


breakthrough

by greyspilot



Category: On My Block (TV)
Genre: (Becky G is her face claim), Angst, Attempted Rape, F/M, I'm from Australia so that's legal age here, I'm used to it, Mari is 17, Martinez!oc, Mentions of Rape, OC Mariana Martinez, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Oscar "spooky" Diaz x oc, Oscar Diaz x oc, Probably ooc, Spooky is like 23 in this story, Teen Pregnancy, Underage Drinking, Underage Sex, abortions are discussed, also on Wattpad, but I'm writing this for fun, dark shit, mentions of drug use/abuse, not until later, she actually turns 18 in the story before anything really happens, so it's not weird for me, sorry if it's weird for you, underage stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-04
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2020-04-07 18:11:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 75,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19090396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greyspilot/pseuds/greyspilot
Summary: "I never asked for any of this. I never wanted you caught up in my mess."





	1. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad news: I totally forgot that I posted this story to AO3 so it hasn't been updated here, my bad.  
> Good news: there's actually 15 chapters of this story and the first few chapters were revised and edited so they're even better!
> 
> I will be updating the story here in future but for now, enjoy a bulk upload of, like, 60000 words of drama and romance, and remember; comments and kudos are love and motivation! (And they let me know what you guys like and want to see more of in the story.)

“Shit,” Mari whispered to herself in a panic. The little blue dot she was relying on to show her around this neighbourhood had frozen in place. “Shit, shit, shit!”

The app closed and before she could even try to reopen it from her home menu, the screen turned black. A long second later and the logo flashed in blinding white, mocking her. With a groan, the girl furiously tapped her finger against the screen of her cheap smartphone as if that would help the situation.

The phone only cost her sixty dollars, two years ago, and was never any good but it was all she could afford. Needless to say, it wasn’t the best phone when she got it and (much like wine or cheese, in her opinion) only got worse with age. The crashing and random restarting was nothing new to her. Still, she was hoping she’d get lucky and the Gods would decide to smile down on her, if only for today.

Boy was she wrong.

The list of things that were Not Great continued to grow. One; it was the middle of summer in L.A., a heat unlike anything she’s experienced before. Two; in an attempt to make herself more comfortable she had tied her hoodie around her waist, but the fabric was too thick and she was stuck adjusting it every five minutes. Three; her back was aching from carrying around her backpack, the one that contained the last few things she had to her name. Now, she got to add 'really, really lost' to that list.

With a shrug of her shoulders, the backpack dropped to the ground by her feet. The afternoon sun was harsh. Holding a hand in front of her face to block the light, Mari squinted as she tried to make sense of her surroundings.

 _This is useless_ , she thought, as she slumped against the fence beside her and stared hard at her phone as though that would make the thing turn on any faster.

Rap music came blaring down the street, that was what caught her attention first - the wolf-whistles came second. The sound made her skin crawl but she told herself it was stupid to let something as small and inconsequential as a whistle make her feel so small, so dirty and insignificant. Stupid, that it could cause chills to run up her spine.

Stupid, maybe, but it only validated further what she already knew about herself; she was weak.

 _Walk away_ , her mind screamed, _keep moving and pretend you’re not affected_.

Still, her feet refused, choosing instead to root themselves in the pavement

A green car stopped in the middle of the road before her. Three men, all in the same shade of green, were falling over each other to get a look out the window. Eyes locked on her, they almost looked more like a pack of drooling dogs desperate for food than they did human.

“Hey ma,” the one in the driver’s seat eyed her up, “you want a ride?”

Mari moved to pick up her bag, though she kept a cautious eye trained on the pack. Like starved animals, they were on the hunt and she was the prey. Any sudden movements would send them into a frenzy and Mari refused to give them the satisfaction of seeing her fear.

“No thanks,” she answered, “I’m okay,”

Right then, Mari decided that she no longer cared about her destination and started to walk. She would find her bearings later but right now her focus was on getting the hell out of there.

The car matched her pace without any difficulty. Rolling along by her side, taunting her, reminding her that even if she ran they were faster and they would catch her. Her pace quickened.

Eyes ahead, long strides. She tightened the grip on her backpack until her knuckles were white. Maybe, she thought, if they tried to approach her she could use her bag to fend them off, like a bat. Heart pounding to the point that it hurt and breathing starting to become a challenge, Mari blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall.

She jumped when the horn of the car trumpeted. The men sniggered but their calls of “smile more, baby” and “do you charge by the hour?” were giving their boisterous laughter an insidious tone.

Something churned, deep in her stomach - maybe it was a mistake to come alone. It's not like anyone knew where she was if she were to go missing. It's not like there was anyone to care.

She supposed she could’ve asked Ruben to come and pick her up from the bus station, but she didn’t want to be any more of a burden. Even if she had asked, he wouldn’t have been at the station until much later this afternoon anyway. There was one item on the list of things that Went Perfectly today. The bus, possibly for the first time in history, arrived ahead of schedule.

From behind her, there was a loud call of “hey!” that snapped her out of her thoughts.

The caller's voice was rough and the guy sounded big - not like someone Mari could overpower. She could run, sure, but outrun a car? She didn't think so, and she was nowhere near familiar with any of Freeridge's backstreets.

The fear she had been feeling settled in like an unwelcome houseguest. Insecurity was slithering down her neck and embarrassment colouring her face. Her chest hurt from her thumping heart. She had just resigned herself to the fact she was going to die at the age of seventeen, and then an arm draped across her shoulders.

“The fuck do you think you’re doing?” The man asked. His voice was deep and gravelly and from this close, it shook her to her core. Frozen in place, she couldn’t respond. Was this guy friend or foe? She was almost scared to find out.

It took her a minute to realise he wasn’t talking to her. Taking a risk, she tilted her head upward to check out the man that was defending her honour. His hair was dark and buzzed short, almost to the point it wasn't there. Deep brown eyes were accentuated by sharp eyebrows - eyebrows that looked perfectly groomed, but she wasn't about to point that out to him. He was sporting a goatee that, admittedly, looked good on him. Mari attributed that to his bone structure; the guy had a strong jaw and cheekbones that could cut glass.

The driver shook his head and reached into his jacket. For a single, naive second, Mari thought they were going to leave. In an instant, there was a gun aimed toward Mari and the stranger.

The driver shook his head and reached into his jacket and then there was a gun aimed toward Mari and the stranger. Staring down the barrel of the gun, Mari felt...nothing. Shouldn’t she be scared? Shouldn’t the urge to run or scream or cry take over her? But there was nothing and that’s what scared her the most. One wrong move could mean a bullet in her brain, dead before she ever got the chance to meet her dad in person, and she couldn’t convince herself to care.

The driver of the car spat his words like they were poison. “What’s it to you, Santo?”

“Es mi hyna,” the man said. Out the corner of her eye, Mari saw him smirk and shake his head before speaking again, “she’s my girl and you’re on _my_ block. You really gonna shoot?”

The guy pulled the gun back, snarled, kissed his teeth and then spat - this time literally. The car revved, loud and obnoxious, and sped off down the road. The guys in green were gone before the saliva had even hit the asphalt.

“Fucking Prophets,” the man with the good cheekbones grumbled under his breath as he watched them drive away. Mari took this chance to take a step to the side and out from under his arm.

She grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder before taking another couple of steps back. Seemingly trapped in the same loop, she glanced around the street in search of an exit strategy. Run and he would catch her. She could try to hide but Mari still had no idea where she was and this guy probably grew up here.

She chose option three: act tough, feign nonchalance and hope he would lose interest.

“Did you just call me your bitch?” She asked, raising an eyebrow. Her arms were crossed against her chest like armour.

The stranger was silent for a moment. He stared at her with a furrowed brow and a curious glint in those brown eyes, sizing her up. Just when his gaze was bordering on a little too long, he pulled a cigarette from behind his ear and looked away. The silence was agonising. He took his time lighting the stick. Mari wondered if he was dragging this out on purpose, if only to make her more uncomfortable. He seemed like the type.

He took a long drag before he spoke again. “I just saved you, mami. I know a couple ways you could show some gratitude,”

He eyed her again, less calculating this time, slow and lascivious. He was making her squirm, but not in the way she’d prefer.

 _Fuck it_ , she thought, _I’m not going to stick around and be objectified twice in ten minutes_.

With that thought, and most of her dignity still intact, she marched on. A weight lifted from her with every step away from that man and that whole situation. She didn’t need someone to save her. All she needed was to find this damn house.

She heard a deep laugh from behind her. Footsteps came next. She picked up the pace but she was tired and her bag was heavy and this heat was hotter than anything she’d felt before and she didn’t have it in her to move any faster. He caught up to her with ease and the weight was back like a brick.

“I haven’t seen you around before, you new here?”

She ignored him and kept walking, grabbing her phone back out of her pocket. No map yet, only a loading screen.

A large hand wrapped around her bicep, not quite hard enough to bruise but firm enough for her to feel a sting. She got the impression that he could break her arm like a toothpick if he tried - or even just by accident.

“Don’t ignore me, hyna,” he hissed.

She yanked her arm from his grip. Who did this guy think he was? He may have helped her with those other guys but that didn't give him the right to feel entitled to anything now. She didn’t need his help and she sure as hell didn’t ask for it.

Rubbing her arm where it stung, she got to have a better look at the guy. He was tall, wearing shorts that fell to his knees and white socks pulled up to meet them. He paired the look with a black wife-beater. Though the outfit seemed stupid on paper, he looked good; Mari didn’t appreciate that.

Next, she took in the tattoo on his neck. First, the large cross that she didn’t get to see before, and then the teardrop. The teardrop was yet another thing on the growing list of things that Should Scare Her, but didn’t.

She didn't feel threatened. He hadn't pulled a gun, hadn't wolf-whistled or catcalled. He may have hurt her arm but Mari got the impression he maybe wasn't aware of his own strength. This guy didn't seem malicious like the others so obviously had.

While his looks didn't scare her, and his attitude was certainly bothering her, she felt compelled to answer him.

“You’re right, I’m new. I got here about twenty minutes ago, on a bus. I’m trying to find my way around but,” she looked at her phone again, the logo teasing her to no end, “I lost my map,”

He took a step, his long stride bridged the distance between them easily. Towering over her slight frame, he peered over her shoulder. Mari hadn't realised until just now that this guy was tall, too.

“Yo," he said, "I think you need a new one of those,”

She shot him a look that screamed _no shit,_ only to find he was already smirking at her.

“What’s your name?”

“Mariana - Mari," she answered, "Martinez. What’s yours?”

“Spooky,”

She cocked an eyebrow. “Spooky? You don't seem very...spooky,”

“Just ‘cause you ain’t seeing that side of me don’t mean it don’t exist,”

She folded her arms with a huff. “Don’t I get to know your real name?”

“Nah,”

“Why? I told you my full name,”

“I didn’t ask you to. My real name is for friends and fam only, hyna,” he frowned a little as if realising something all of a sudden. “You’re a Martinez?”

“Yeah, Ruben is my dad. I’m trying to get to his place,”

His frown deepened. “The kid?”

Mari frowned back.

He shook his head as if to say don’t worry about it. “I can take you there,”

He was walking before she had a chance to process what he’d said. Throwing a glance back at her over his shoulder, he yelled out.

"Keep up!".

They walked in silence for the most part. Maybe he was satisfied with the information she’d given him up until now, or maybe he could just tell she was nervous. It’s not like she was hiding it well - her cuticles were red where she had been picking at them and her lower lip hadn't left its place between her teeth. The stolen glances she took every so often told her he wanted to ask more questions. He didn’t. Silently, she appreciated that.

They reached the house in no time. It was small and beige with a dark door and it was the most intimidating thing she’s ever had to face.

“Thanks for walking me,” she said, turning to him and offering, for the first time since they met, a genuine smile. “And thanks for helping me before too. I’m sorry I was so rude and defensive. I think we met on the wrong day,”

“Or maybe we met on the right one," Spooky flashed her a crooked smile. Before she could ask, he continued. "Go on, you got shit to do,”

She watched him walk away and almost wished he had stayed, if only for some sort of familiarity.

Mari took a deep breath and whispered to herself how much of a bad bitch she is. The walk from the gate across the yard to the front door felt like a million miles.

"Bad bitch," she reminded herself and rang the doorbell.

The silence that followed was deafening. A lifetime passed before the door swung open.

A lady with long, dark hair opened the door. Her face looked young but her eyes had lived lifetimes. She was stunning.

 _Must be Geny_ , Mari thought.

Dead still, mouth agape, Geny was completely caught off guard.

“Hello,” she said. Her tone was cold.

A feeling of unwelcomeness passed through Mari. It was as though she were a salesperson and not an expected guest.

“Hi,” she offered a polite smile and a wave. “I’m Mari. It’s nice to meet you,”

Mari held out a hand. Geny made no effort to take it.

“I know who you are. You weren’t supposed to be here until four. It’s a quarter-past two,”

That _unwelcome_ feeling increased tenfold. She wished she could be upset about it, but she understood. Geny had always known about Mariana. After all, she was the child Ruben had when he and Geny had briefly split and he filled his loneliness with an old high school sweetheart. Despite this, Mari knew it couldn’t be easy to have your husband’s illegitimate child show up on your doorstep.

“I know, I’m sorry - a few people cancelled their trips so we bypassed a few stops. The bus was way ahead of schedule,”

“Well, Ruben isn’t home yet and Abuelita's room isn’t ready,”

They were at a standstill. Geny wasn’t about to budge, and Mari wasn't about to ask to come in. In a mindless attempt to ease the tension, Mari said, “I can come back later,”

For the first time, Geny smiled. _Pretty_ \- that's what Mari thought when Geny smiled. A warm, nurturing feeling washed through her when the older lady smiled. It was a nice feeling, one that didn't last long.

“That’d be great, thanks,” Geny said. And then she closed the door in Mari’s face.

Cursing to herself, Mari realised she was back at square one, if not a little less lost. She walked back onto the street.

Where would she go now? There weren't any street signs in sight. Mari figured that everyone here pretty much knew their way around. She could sit on the sidewalk until Ruben got home, though Geny didn't seem to want her around at all. She could wander through the streets for a while, but what if those guys turned up again? Or she got lost and couldn't find her way back again? Or her phone didn't turn back on and she couldn't keep track of time?

Spooky's voice jolted her out of her thoughts.

“You lost again, mami?”

When he stepped into her line of sight, she almost let herself smile.

“Geny’s just, uh, not ready for me yet. I’m a bit early,” Mari explained, as though she owed him some sort of justification. She knew she didn’t, she owed no one anything, but she needed to save face. This was not her day. “What are _you_ still doing here?”

He shrugged and took a few steps until he was just breaching her personal space.

“Thought I’d stick around, make sure everything went okay. So, you got some time to kill?”

Mari nodded with a close-lipped smile.

Spooky took a puff of his cigarette, almost down to the butt, and then offered it to her, “need some company?”

 

. : ♱ : .

 

There was definitely more than nicotine in that cigarette.

The world was spinning slow, like a galaxy, in swirls of bright blues and pinks against a dark and empty sky. Mari giggled as she reached out for the sun. In her mind, she could wrap her fingers around it - she could rip it out of the sky and keep all the light for herself.

Spooky’s laugh pulled her attention. Black curls fell over her face and clouded her sight as she turned to look at him. Another giggle. Puckering her lips, she blew at the dark strands that were tickling her nose.

A warm, calloused hand grabbed her own from where it hovered in the air.

“What are you doing, girl?” Spooky guided her hand back to her lap.

“I’m catching the sun!” She exclaimed. There was a certain lightness, an excitement, in her voice that hadn't been there earlier. It made Spooky smile.

Exhausted, she let her body fall across the couch and over Spooky’s lap. She looked up at him. Amusement twinkled in his deep brown eyes. She smiled at him. He smiled right back.

“This is the softest couch,” she sighed and closed her eyes in content, the sun kissing her skin.

Mari felt like she was floating, adrift at sea whilst all her problems were being pulled away in a riptide. She had no cares left in the world. Not meeting Ruben for the first time. Not Geny’s obvious dislike of her. Not her junkie mother and, by extension, her mother’s junkie boyfriend. Though it scared her, she almost felt free.

Spooky brushed the hair from her face.

“You good, chica?” he asked. Mari nodded.

The cholo took her by the shoulders and shifted her back into a seated position. Still feeling weightless, she leaned against his side. Spooky took the joint from where it sat on the small ceramic plate that acted as an ashtray.

“I’m great,” she beamed up at him, “never been better! Today has been the best! I’ve come to a new town, made a new friend, and soon, I’ll get to meet my dad!”

Inhaling, he shook his head at the young girl who was resting against his side. He made a conscious effort to turn his head away from her as he exhaled the smoke.

“Is this the first time you’ve been high?”

Her lips twitched into a smile and Mari broke into a fit of giggles.

Something about her innocence should put him off, Spooky thought, but it didn’t. This girl had looked so down earlier; so uncomfortable and fake tough. Now, her lips were stretched into a smile and her eyes were outshining the sun and it made him want to smile with her. Having made her happier gave him a feeling ofaccomplishment as if it were his job to bring out that smile.

He knew he shouldn’t care, but she was a part of this community now; the big, dysfunctional family that is Freeridge. That made her Santos responsibility.

He took on a lot of that responsibility. Maybe it was because he was the leader of the Santos, and that meant it was on him to keep the neighbourhood safe and the Santos in line. Maybe it was because she was so young; new to town and innocent enough that it brought out his big brother side. Maybe it was just because that girl was _fine_ , and he wouldn’t mind staying on her good side. He figured it was the latter; her tan skin and pouty lips definitely didn’t elicit familial thoughts.

Spooky realised with a start that Mari was meeting Ruben in less than an hour but she was in no state to do so. Although seeing her like this may have been cute to the cholo, he didn’t think Ruben or Geny would find the humour. This was far too important to Mari for him to fuck it up now.

Kinks had formed in his neck and down his back from sitting so still, not wanting to disturb Mari as she rested. Using his hands to boost himself up, he reached out his arms to stretch.

Pretending not to notice the way the younger girl was ogling him, he held a hand out to help her up. She didn’t take his hand, but she smiled up at him. Taking it’s time to weave across her face, this smile was sweet, like cotton candy melting in his mouth. Raising an eyebrow in silent question, he did his best to stop his own smile.

“You’re sweet, _Spooky_ ,”

She said his name as though she was challenging him. Maybe, to her, the words were true. He could be sweet when he wanted to, and right now, with her, he wanted to. It was nice to stop being Spooky - the tough, responsible gang leader - and just let himself be _Oscar_.

Of course, he wasn’t about to say any of this. His response was to take her hand and lead her inside the house. She didn’t protest, only asked where they were going. He led her to the kitchen and sat her down at a round wooden table. Small hands grabbed the chair beside her and dragged it closer with a light screech. Looking right at Spooky, she patted the empty seat. Flashing her one of his amused smirks (something she was starting to think was just his face), he shook his head.

“Where are you going?” She asked as he wandered past her into the next room. Her voice came out higher than expected, and her heart started to race. “You can’t just take me into your house and then leave!”

“Calm down, hyna; I’m just making you some food,”

Realising that he was going to be in sight, the kitchen barely two metres away, her speeding heart relaxed.

Mari crinkled her nose at the mix of ingredients he pulled from the run-down fridge. Eggs, cheese, bacon, and cream - not a combination she found appetising.

“What are you making me?”

He smiled a genuine smile. She liked that look on him.

“The Spooky Special,” he said, pulling a bread roll from a little wooden breadbox atop the bench.

She watched silently as he worked, the stove was small but he used it like a pro. Bacon frying in one pan, eggs and cream scrambling in another, the roll toasting under the grill.

“I didn’t know you could cook,” she mused. Domesticity looked good on him; she liked this side of the cholo a lot, and she felt privileged to witness it.

He shrugged and answered as he assembled the greasy breakfast burger. “There’s a lot you don’t know yet. You only met me today,”

“Yet," she repeated, "does that mean I’ll get the chance to know you?”

Staying silent, he set the plate down on the table and sat on the chair across from her, rather than the one she had pulled up for him earlier.

Maybe she would get to know him. Maybe they’d never speak again. Maybe he’d only let her hang around long enough for them to smash. He didn’t know, wasn’t thinking that far ahead. He didn’t want her to get any ideas, so he kept his mouth shut.

Shit, he was just trying to help her out and now she was acting like they were friends. He didn’t have time for a girlfriend, that was for sure, not when Cesar was about to be jumped in. In all honesty, he didn’t know if he could be bothered with her if they weren’t fucking. The Santos were his priority,

“Eat,” he said.

Happy and carefree demeanour now gone, that deep frown, the same one he had when he saw the Prophet$, was back.

Mari immediately regretted her words. The walls came back up the moment she talked about wanting to know _him_ ; not Spooky, but the mysterious, unnamed man underneath.

When she didn’t start on her food, he repeated, this time more forceful and with a bang of his palm on the table, “eat!”

She didn’t mean to, but she flinched at the aggression. If these mood-swings were common, she was starting to understand the nickname.

"Fuck," he hissed under his breath, catching himself. Leaning back in his chair, he tried once more. “Eat, please,”

“Why do you care so much if I eat? Where’s your food?” she pushed the plate away with one finger, to be difficult, and folded her arms. If he was going to be defensive then she was ready for a battle. Turns out, she didn't need to be.

“I’m not hungry, and you’re meant to be meeting Ruben in half an hour. You’re still high, I can tell. Food can help bring you down. I don’t want to be the reason your meeting with your dad goes to shit,”

Shit. Okay. He may have had a point.

She pulled the food back toward herself but didn’t eat it yet.

“What if...” she started, but she almost couldn't bring herself to finish. Cheeks flushing pink, shame heavy in her heart, she couldn’t meet his eyes as she continued. “What if I’m making a mistake? What if Ruben doesn’t want me there?”

Expecting him to laugh, she was relieved when he didn't.

“He know you’re coming?”

“Of course,”

“Then he wants you there,”


	2. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading Chapter One for continuity's sake.

The Spooky Special was kind of delicious, to Mari’s surprise. She washed it down with a glass of water, lemon and cracked pepper. By the end, she was feeling much better. About half an hour later, she was back outside Ruben’s house.

Spooky had walked her there, but she made sure he left this time. It was a scary thought, doing this alone, but she needed to be a big girl and handle it. She knew she couldn’t do that if there was a getaway car waiting right outside.

Crossing the yard a second time was like deja vu. Foreboding hung over her head like her own personal storm cloud. Knocking on the door, she tensed as she waited for Geny’s rejection to pierce through her shield a second time.

It didn’t come.

No, this time when the door opened, behind it was a man. He was tall, with a wide face and a full, greying beard. The hair atop his head was greying, too, a sign of age and low spirits. This man didn’t look dispirited though, or old for that fact. There was a youthful glint in his eye and he was smiling so gleefully like a Latino Santa Claus.

“Mariana?” He was almost giddy.

Swallowing the nervous lump in her throat that threatened to trap her words, she nodded. “Uh, yeah. Ruben?”

The tall man looked like he might cry, his eyes glossing over with unshed tears. And then, he swept in and engulfed her in his large arms. She froze for just a moment before she hugged back. Her mother was never very affectionate, even when Mari was a kid - this kind of contact wasn't something she knew.

Hugging Ruben felt safe, more at home than she ever did with her mother and her mother's boyfriend. Relaxing into him, Mari decided she could get used to this.

“I’m sorry,” he stepped back and sniffled, “I’m just so happy you’re finally here,”

 _Finally here_. That made it clear Geny hadn't told him she was here earlier. Though she didn’t blame her, Mari couldn’t help but wonder if the woman would ever be accepting of her.

“I’m happy to be here,” she said with a smile, hoping to offer him some sort of comfort. “I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you,”

Dropping her guard, she allowed happiness to show on her face; there was no point hiding behind her nerves or fear of rejection. Hopefulness gleamed in her eyes as she stared up at the man - he was her proof that she wasn’t doomed to be just like her mother. Even if the rest of the family - Geny, four kids, and their abuelita, if memory serves - rejected her, Ruben wanted her in his life. That’s all that mattered.

“I’m sorry it took this long,” he confessed, a hint of regret playing at his voice.

“It’s okay," she said with a small shrug. "I know you tried,”

Apologizing was useless at this point; what’s done now could never be undone. Mari only hoped it could be forgotten.

“Well,” he wiped at his eyes and put his happy face back on, “come on in and meet the family!”

Finally, she stepped over the threshold and into her new life.

The walk through the living room to the dining table where Ruben’s family sat, waiting, was a long one. Mari felt like she was walking into a courthouse, on trial for something as trivial as connecting with her father.

If this were the courthouse then Geny was the judge, sitting opposite the door so to cast her judgment the moment she arrived. Mari could feel the judgement from that cold scowl before she had even entered the house.

On either end of the table were two boys.On the left was a shorter boy, no older than 15. Perfect posture and hands clasped together on the table before him, he wore a shirt buttoned all the way up and his brown curls were styled to perfection. The boy on the right was the polar opposite. Wild, unruly hair, a simple t-shirt that looked frayed from age and comfortably hunched over with his elbows on the table. He was older, about Mari’s age, and he was the only one looking at her.

It was pure curiosity. She couldn’t blame him. The younger wasn’t caving though, treating this more like a business meeting. She knew who they were, Ruben had talked about them - Ruben, Ruby for short, and Mario.

An older lady who Mari could only assume was Abuelita, sat with her back to the door, twisting in her seat to get a good look at the teen as she entered.

They were the jury.

Toddlers, two of them, ran in circles around the table. Mari thanked the Gods they were too young to cast judgment upon her too.

Ruben gestured for her to take a seat. She took the spare one by Abuelita. The older lady didn’t stop staring until Ruben sat as well.

Expecting that Ruben would then introduce her, she was a little surprised when he said nothing. Back by Geny’s side he was speechless, unsure what to do or say. Mari didn’t know either, so she sat.

For the first time since she arrived, Ruby turned to get a look in, to make his judgment calls and consider the best opening statement. He didn’t have a chance to get one out because Mario that spoke first.

“Mariana, right?” he asked. Simple, effective.

Overall, she preferred _Mari_. No one ever called her by her first name, aside from her mother, when she was angry, but right now her only focus was on fitting in so she wasn’t about to correct anyone.

“I’m Mario. That’s Ruby, Abuelita, and our mom, Geny,”

“It’s nice to meet you all,”

“So, you’re our sister, huh?” It was more of a statement than a question, something to break the ice.

“Yep,” she said with a small nod, popping the 'P'. What else could she say?

“How?” Mario was speaking to Ruben this time. Brow furrowed, there was a hard look on his face. Bitterness, and something that almost resembled betrayal. “She can’t be much younger than me; did you cheat on mom?”

“Of course not!" It was strange to see him snap, the calm and happy demeanor disappearing for just a second. "I love your mother, Mario. I always have, but as ready as we thought we were to have kids, it was hard. You were a little over one. Geny and I were struggling. We couldn’t agree on parenting and we weren’t getting along. Your mother thought it best we separate for a while. Give each other some space and hope the absence made our relationship stronger.

“It did, but it took a few months. I was lonely, and the times when I didn’t have you with me, Mario, I felt depressed. Then, I ran into Mari’s mother. We were high school sweethearts, and it was nice to see her. Geny wasn’t giving me any indication that we would be getting back together, so I tried to move on. The moment Geny said she wanted to get back together...I left Mallory. I didn't know she was pregnant at the time, and leaving like that is not something I'm proud of,”

He took Geny’s hand when he finished. They shared a smile, one that reflected all the sweetness Mari was sure others saw so often in Geny. Learning this, Mari felt she should feel something like sadness, or even disappointment. After all, Ruben had chosen Geny over her mother.

Maybe if he had stuck around, her upbringing may have been better. Maybe her mother would’ve dragged Ruben down the drug-induced rabbit hole with her. She could consider what-ifs all day, but it wouldn't change anything so she refused to dwell. All she knew was two things; Ruben was happy and, all things considered, Mariana had turned out alright.

“How long have you known?” Mario asked next.

He didn’t respond immediately, choosing instead to look down at the table - in shame, discomfort, Mari didn’t know. What she did know was that she needed to help him out. They may not have had enough time to process the news, but Mari had only managed to find him a few months ago.

Swallowing her nerves, she announced, “four months,”

Geny’s jaw dropped. Had Ruben not told her? He didn’t seem the type to keep secrets, but the look of shame that ghosted across his face told Mari a different story. Ruben looked...sad, almost disappointed.

Regardless, she continued; she had already opened her mouth, what was the point in stopping now.

“I spent almost six months searching; my mom never talked about him. Whenever I asked, she said she didn’t know who he was, or that he was dead, or she’d make up some other story. She would say anything to make sure I never found out.

“We moved around a lot when I was a kid, so any records of him, or anyone who might have had an idea, were gone. Then, about a year ago, my mom’s boyfriend moved in and I...I had to get out. But, even though she wasn't great, I always had her. When I left, I didn’t want to feel alone. I wanted to know I had someone out there. So, I called all the hospitals from all the towns we ever lived in, trying to find out where I was born.

“That led me to a nurse, who led me to a Planned Parenthood clinic, that led me to an old school friend of mom's. She gave me a list of people it could’ve been. I tracked down every single person on that list, but it wasn't any of them until I reached Ruben. We emailed back and forth a few times. When I told him I was leaving, he asked if I would stay here, get to know his side of the family.

“I get this sounds like a made-up story just to give me a place to stay, but I swear it isn’t. I have some money and there’s a hostel nearby that I can stay at until I find a job. Then, I can find somewhere more permanent. I don’t want to cause any trouble here, with your family, but I would really like to get to know you all,”

The air was tense, her confession looming over them in a foggy haze. For the first time, Ruby spoke.

“Those other guys," he said, "how do you know they weren’t lying?”

“My mom is white; so were they,”

Mari didn’t miss Geny’s eye roll.

Raising a curious brow, Ruby looked her up and down, taking in her dark features. Tan skin, dark hair, dark eyes. He nodded as if to say “yeah, that makes sense”.

“Ruben,” Abuelita said, her accent was thicker than Mari expected, “you never knew about this? About her?”

To say Abuelita felt surprised would be an understatement. Ruben had always been responsible and reliable. When someone had a problem they went to him to know what to do. For Ruben to have a child he didn’t know about...that was unlike him.

Geny, who hadn’t said a word to Mari since earlier that afternoon, was having none of it. Without a word, or even a second glance, she stood up and stormed off to what Mari could only assume was their bedroom. The door closed with a resounding slam. Ruben flinched.

Mari’s heart dropped to her stomach. If Geny was his rock then she was the hard place. His wife may not have liked it, but he wanted to know his daughter.

Not wanting to make him choose, she decided for him.

“You should go after her,”

Hesitation lingered on his face. “But you came all this way,”

Doing her best to ease his mind and her nerves at the same time, she gave him a smile and hoped it met her eyes.

“I did," she said, " and now I’m here; we have time to get to know each other. Go talk to her, give everyone some time. We can try this family dinner again next weekend. I’ll even cook,”

Ruben smiled and reached across the table to grab her hand. How was he so lucky to end up with such a mature daughter? He was grateful, and he hoped she would let him make it up to her.

“Ruby, Mario,” he said, looking between his boys, “can you two be nice to Mari? Get to know her, show her around Freeridge a bit?”

The moment the boys agreed, Ruben was up and gone. Though she had urged him to go, her anxiety had peaked. All of a sudden, the room was up in flames in her mind; she was too hot, and the air was so thick she was struggling to breathe.

Abuelita threw her hands up. Muttering something under her breath about “I’m not needed here”, she left the table. And then there were three.

Mario stood too.

“I actually have to go see Angelica,” he said. With a small smile and a shrug as if to say _sorry_ , he left too.

Ruby peeked across at Mari. They both shifted in their seats.

“You don’t have to-” Mari started, at the same time Ruby said, “I was going to-”

“You go,” Ruby said. “Ladies first,”

The sentiment was funny coming from a boy his age, but he seemed genuine. He had manners - Mari wondered if he had been raised that way or if it was _Ruby_ , plain and simple.

“I just wanted to say that you don’t have to do anything," she told him. "I can show myself around, really. I wouldn’t tell Ruben if you had better things to do,”

“I mean," he stated with a sort of half shrug, "I’m meant to be hanging with Cesar and Jamal today. But, Cesar’s brother just got outta prison a few days ago, so we don’t know if he can chill,”

At this point, Mari could tell Ruby was more talking to himself. She nodded along anyway.

“Oh,” Ruby said (and to be honest, Mari had been so in her own mind that she didn't realize he was still going), “you can come, if you want,”

He shrugged as though he hadn’t invited her as an afterthought. She smiled though - behind that unconcerned mask was curiosity,even a little excitement. In fear of scaring him off, she didn’t say anything but agreed with her own shrug. She was curious, even excited, about him too.

They headed to Jamal's first. The walk was a short one but Mari picked at her cuticles, a nervous habit she’d had her whole life, the entire time. Any tension she had been feeling left the moment she met the boy. Tall, lanky, with a bright smile and hyperactive personality; she could tell they would get along fine.

He had stared a little when they first met.

“You look alike,” he had told them.

“It’s the babyface,” she said, and then to Ruby, “sorry, man,”

Ruby agreed and cursed Ruben’s genes.

The three of them chatted as they headed toward Cesar’s house. Talking with Ruby, even Jamal, was easy and she felt as though she had known them her whole life. She learned that Ruby was like, _smart-_ smart, and he liked non-fiction books where Mari preferred to get lost in someone else's made-up life. Ruby watched movies, whereas Mari had always preferred a good TV show. It wasn't much, she had yet to even scratch the surface, but it was a good place to start.

Now although Mari had never been very good with directions, something about this road was familiar. Maybe it only seemed familiar because nothing was, or maybe it was deja vu.

It didn’t dawn on her until they had already arrived. They were at Spooky’s house.

She glanced around, but she didn’t see him. There were a few other guys there now. Most were smoking, a couple of them were lifting weights and one boy, around Ruby and Jamal’s age, was sitting on the same sofa Mari had been high and lazing over only a few hours earlier.

It felt like a lifetime ago now - meeting Spooky, spending time with him. She could chalk it up to attachment to the guy who had saved her but she felt something for him. Friendship? Sure. Attraction? Of course, there was no denying that. Mari had no doubt it was more than that; she may have been young but she had to grow up quick. She knew herself and she was quick to understand other people. There was more to Spooky than he was allowing her to see, but that made her want to see it that much more.

Was it a crush? That was still to be decided. Having to think about romantic feelings, on top of everything else, sounded like a lot of mental work. All she knew, for now, was that he had been nice, and she felt comfortable around him amongst a life that was so unknown.

As soon as the thought crossed her mind the man appeared from inside the house, two beers in hand. He passed one over to the boy on the couch (Cesar, Mari assumed) and took a seat before anyone noticed Ruby, Jamal or Mari.

Spooky saw them first. His eyes met Mari’s but he didn’t say anything, only took a swig of the beer and nudged Cesar with his elbow. Mari didn’t say anything either. She may have felt comfortable with Spooky, but she wasn’t comfortable with all these prying eyes.

“Cesar,” Ruby said, “you busy?”

The boy on the sofa, Cesar, looked happy to see Ruby and Jamal, almost relieved, but in less than a second, that look was gone. An arrogant smirk took over his features. Cesar leaned back into the cushions, leered at Mari, and asked, “who’s the hyna?”

“She’s my sister,” Ruby said with a wave of his hand, as if it were old news, “Jamal’s coming over; mom’s cooking. You in?”

“How about you leave her here and I’ll eat her for dinner,” Cesar had a smug look on his face, but he couldn't seem to meet Mari's eye (not that she particularly wanted him to, right now).

The Santos erupted in laughter, even Spooky. Mari's body went rigid.

Crush? No.

Embarrassed, objectified, singled-out with no way of escape; she had never wanted to disappear so desperately. She knew it was irrational to have a reaction that strong to some words, but she didn’t _want_ those words. She didn’t want that attention from anyone, especially a young boy and his cholo friends. Words fuelled actions. If they were to act, against her will, on the desires they expressed, what could she do to stop them?

Buried beneath the fear and embarrassment, anger started to bubble with the sound of Spooky’s laughter, infinitely louder than the rest. He had gone so far out of his way earlier to stop those others from cat-calling her. Now, when it was one of his own making those comments, it was fine? She thought they were going to be friends. It wasn't as though she expected him to speak up against his own, but he could’ve pretended it wasn't funny.

What Mari didn’t know, was that he didn’t find it funny at all. Hearing his little brother make those comments about her made him feel uncomfortable, even a little annoyed, and he didn’t know why. Not wanting to think too hard on it, he laughed along. Spooky noticed her reaction, had seen the shade of red that colored her face and the way her shoulders tensed. It had made him feel a little sad. It was the kind of sadness that shot through him and settled deep in his stomach.

He had known her longer than anyone else here; in some ways, more intimate. It was Spooky who found her when she was alone, lost. It was Spooky that showed her where she was trying to go. It was Spooky that kept her company Ruby’s family had rejected her. It was Spooky that got her high for the first time and cared for her after.

She was nice, and far too good for any Santo.

Oscar tore his eyes from where Mariana stood, still unmoving. Mentally willing Ruby or Jamal to take notice, he wanted to get her out of there. If they were anywhere else, anyone else, he would’ve been the one to do it.

“Ew, Cesar, that’s my sister!” Ruby scrunched his face in disgust at his friend’s language. Sure, they had all talked about girls and sex before, but this was Ruby's _sister_. Ruby may not have known her yet, but she was family.

“She’s not _my_ sister,” Cesar replied. More laughter.

“Man, you’re lucky Monse isn’t here,” Ruby said, with a shake of his head, “you know how she gets about objectification, woman power, and shit,”

“And when is little Monse getting back?” Spooky asked. His mind was still begging to get Mari out of here, and her eyes were begging to leave. He would give her a reason. “I’ve been thinking ‘bout that hyna. Wouldn’t mind getting at her when she comes home; bet she’s looking good now,”

“I’d think twice about hittin’ that, bro,” Cesar said, “unless you want my sloppy seconds,”

You could almost hear the sound of Ruby and Jamal’s jaws hitting the floor.

“Shit,” Spooky grinned and took a long drag of his cigarette, “you hit that?”

“Oh yeah,” Cesar said, “we smashed, _real_ hard,”

Anger took over Ruby, possessing him in a way that Mari didn’t think was possible. Judging by the look of shock and fear on Jamal’s face, he didn’t think it was possible either.

Ruby marched up to Cesar and got right in his face. Jamal squeaked like a mouse and reached forward like he wanted to pull Ruby back, but couldn’t bring himself to do it.

“You take that back!” Ruby growled. Cesar shook his head. “I swear to god you take that back or-”

“Or _what_?” Cesar challenged, leaning forward with his forearms on his knees. “Go on. What will you do?”

When Ruby clenched his fist and moved to pull his arm back, Jamal sprung into action. Racing forward, he grabbed Ruby by the back of his shirt and pulled him out of harm's way.

That damn, taunting Santos laughter - Mari worried it might add to the list of things that haunted her dreams. The look of anger on Ruby’s face had lessened until it was one of sadness and disappointment. This Santo before him wasn’t his best friend.

The Santos moved in closer, forcing the three of them off the yard and back out onto the street. Oscar started barking, the sound so loud and unexpected and aggressive that Mari flinched and jump back further. Then, all the Santos were barking as they circled the three. It was an intimidation tactic; warning that said they weren’t going to cause any physical harm _today_. It did it’s job well as they fled down the street back toward the Martinez house.

“He’s dead to us,” Ruby said, panting as they caught their breath. He spoke to Jamal, but the look he shot Mari told her the statement was for her, too.

Mari wished they hadn't come. Ruby and Jamal had lost one of their oldest, closest friends while defending another. The only person Mari thought might be her friend had just gone out of his way to intimidate her, to make her feel unwelcome in the only place she felt comfortable. Whatever Spooky's game was, Mari had already decided she didn’t want any part of it.


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

Early morning walks seemed to be the only time Mari had to herself. She found they helped particularly when she needed to clear her head.

Things at the house were both hectic and lonely; too loud but too quiet. Ruby was always with Jamal. Mario and Ruben were barely home. It was rare for Geny to be in the same room as Mari, but when it happened it was ice cold.

Familiarising herself with the block, she tried to spend a bit of time each day just walking. She never strayed too far, going a street or two further each time.

That’s what she was doing when a shiny red low-rider pulled up beside her. Out of fear, she stole a glance. Santos cross and a teardrop tattoo. She didn’t have the energy for him or his mood swings today.

Spooky stuck his head out the window. It was a dangerous maneuver that had her concerned for his safety in a way he certainly wasn’t.

“Where you going, hyna?” he asked.

It'd been a little over a week since she had last seen him, when everything went down with Cesar and Ruby. She made no effort to see him since, despite how much she may have wanted to, and she wasn't about to start now. Ignoring him, Mari kept walking.

She had come to hate that word, hyna.

Every day, a new stranger - Santo or otherwise - called out to her as though _hyna_ were her name and she was sick of it. It’s something she had put much thought into before, but after more than a week of people looking at her like something to fuck, she had grown to despise it. Starting today, she was going to acknowledge her self-worth. Fuck anyone who didn’t know what that worth was.

Spooky tried again at her silence.

“Come on, get in,”

Disregarding his orders, she shot him a frown, definitely not the look he was hoping for.

The car raced ahead and swerved hard, stopping across the middle of the street and blocking her way.

“Get in.”

His voice was deep with frustration and she knew there was no ignoring him this time.

Unsure where they were going and too scared to ask, she got in the car.

His mood swings were giving her whiplash. One second he was calm, teasing happiness with a cheeky smirk. The next second he was angry and intimidating, looming over her.

He pulled a long, thin cigar from behind his ear and held it out to her, attempting to break the ice.

Mari shook her head. Frustrated, he stopped too long at the red light and lit the cigar for himself.

“Still not talking?”

“Nothing to say,” she said with a shrug.

Green light. The car stayed.

Staring Mari down with a deep frown, he asked, “yo, what’s your problem, hyna?”

“That is!” She snapped, eyes narrowing to a glare.

Face softening, a smile played at Spooky’s lips; she may have been shouting but he got a reaction.

“I don’t get you," she continued, face getting warm from the way her blood was boiling. "You saw how uncomfortable I was with those Prophets when we met. Fuck, Spooky, you _helped_ me because of it! Then, Cesar says the same shit and it's hilarious? You’re so hot and cold. I hate it. I don't have time for that childish shit,”

“Cesar didn’t mean nothin’ by it. He’s a good kid,” he said.

Taking a puff of his cigar, turned away from her when he spoke next. If Mari didn’t know any better, she’d say he was almost shy.

“We’re having a party at my place Saturday,” he said, “you should come. Make some friends your own age, y’know,”

Mari snorted a laugh. “I’m pretty sure Ruby is closer to my age than you are. I can’t, anyway. I’m making dinner for the fam,”

Resting grump face in place, he faced her again.

“Come over during the day then. I’ll give you a recipe,”

“No, thanks,”

Shifting in her seat, she tugged at the seatbelt that suddenly felt too tight.

“So you just don’t wanna come around. You didn’t seem to have a problem with my place last week,” he argued, “or with me?”

Mari sighed. “The cholos weren’t there then. You’re different when we’re alone,”

Spooky growled, raised his hand and smacked his palm hard against the steering wheel. Mari flinched. She didn't think he would hurt her, but she couldn’t stop the way her body tensed at the loud bang.

“I didn’t choose this!” He yelled. Somehow it helped ease her fears knowing for sure he wasn’t angry at her.

Taking a moment to collect himself, he continued quieter, calmer. “I’m their leader. I keep them in line but they’re still cholos. When they fuck up, I clean up the mess. They’re _my_ responsibility. I can’t lead if they don’t respect me, and they won’t respect me unless they see me as one of them. So, when they laugh, I laugh,”

She looked at him like she was seeing a new person. Though she didn't agree, she understood. Whatever he did, he did for his family.

“They’re only thinking with their dicks. I thought a hyna like you'd be used to it,”

Noticing the way she squirmed, the tint of red coloring her cheeks, Spooky grinned.

"What? Are you a virgin?”

 _I don't owe him an answer_ , she reminded herself, _I don't owe him anything_!

Considering her options, she thought it'd be a good idea to get out of the car while they were still stationary. Sensing her thoughts, he started to drive

Fuck. There goes that option.

With a groan, she said to him, “yes, not that it’s any of your business. And stop calling me hyna! I’m not a piece of meat,”

Spooky nodded. They turned into Mari’s street.

“I'm sorry. I shouldn’t have let Cesar talk like that. You’re my friend,”

Mari smiled at him. Friends. She could do that.

They pulled up outside of the Martinez house. Mari didn't rush to leave.

"Phone," Spooky ordered, hand out.

After unlocking it, she watched as Spooky struggled through the freezing and crashing. He gave a lighthearted laugh, a sound that made Mari's heart flutter, and handed the phone back.

“You need a new one of those,” he joked, then more serious, “I didn’t like not hearing from you. I got worried, y’know. Text me,”

“I will,”

She meant it, too. They were friends. Hopefully, now he wouldn’t revert to an asshole when people were around.

Thanking him for the ride, she got out of the car.

“Stay safe, mami,” he said, ducking his head to look at her through the window.

Although she rolled her eyes, her smile betrayed any annoyance.

“Well I have you to drive me around, even though I was like, a street away from home,”

Spooky flashed her a sheepish grin, “it was the only way to get you alone,”

Then he was gone, speeding down the road. Warmth started in her stomach and spread throughout her whole body at his words. Giddiness settled deep within as she opened up her phone and scrolled through her contact list in search of the extra name. Her heart skipped a beat when she saw the latest contact: Oscar.

 

. : ♱ : .

 

Mariana had been cooking all day to ensure everything was ready by the time Ruben got home. Tonight, she wanted everything to finally run smoothly.

Life with the Martinez family was crazy.

Maybe it was his tendency to overshare, but Ruby didn't seem to have a problem letting her in. With Ruby, it was as though she had always been around. At least she felt welcome with one member of the family.

There had only been a few passing hellos with Mario; the occasional “how’s your day been?” here and there. He was often out with Angelica and when he was home, he was in his room. In the off chance he was home and out of his room, whenever Mari tried to approach him he would say he was busy. Somewhere along the way, she had stopped trying.

She had even spent some time watching re-runs of soaps with Abuelita. The person she had yet to spend quality time with was Ruben. It was funny; she spoke to him more when they were exchanging emails. Taking on more overtime now that there was another mouth to feed didn't leave him much free time. When he was home, he had to spend time with his wife and the twins. Not too long after that, he was in bed for the night, ready to do it all again the next day. That’s why this dinner was so important to her. That, and her relationship with Geny.

Things were still on thin ice with Geny. Mari helped clean after meals in the evening. She helped get the twins ready every morning. Too young to know what was going on, they seemed to like her enough and that earned her some brownie points with Geny. By no means close, still barely on speaking terms, she and Geny were just starting to share personal space. Despite that, Geny was extra cold today.

Mari was taking the vegetables out of the oven when Geny walked through the kitchen, washing basket balanced on her hip like a pro. Geny didn’t say anything as she passed, didn’t even spare a glance. Mari switched off the stovetop, covered the food with foil and followed Geny to the living room. The older woman was folding clothes in silence.

Approaching slowly, as though Geny were a wild animal that Mari didn't want to scare, she asked, “Can I help?”

Still refusing to look at her, Geny nodded.

Mariana took a seat in an armchair near the sofa. It was a bit of a stretch to reach the laundry, but Geny was a ticking time bomb and Mari didn’t want to set her off.

No one made any move to speak or clear the air. Mari wanted to know what happened. They were making progress; they were almost having conversations. They even, on occasion, traded tight smiles. Mari wanted to know what she did so she knew how to fix it.

Shoving all impulse control out the window, Mari asked.

“Geny, if I’ve done something, please tell me,”

Geny’s face contorted into a look of “what could you have done?” but she didn’t say anything.

“I know you don’t want me here. I know that my entire existence is a hindrance to your life, so please tell me what I can do to make it any easier." Still nothing. "You hate me, I get it, but I don’t hate you and I want to be a part of your family,”

There was a pause.

Geny inhaled, setting aside the unfolded top, then placing her hands in her lap. She may have looked placid, but Mari suspected this was the calm before the storm and she braced herself for the hurricane.

For the first time today, Geny looked at Mari. If looks could kill, Mari thought, she would be dead ten times over.

“Your existence,” Geny spat, “is a living reminder of the darkest time of my life. Ruben and I were split up. I was suffering from untreated postnatal depression. So, while I was taking care of our son, and getting help for myself, Ruben was off with your mother.

"But I don’t hate you; you’re a part of our family now. It’s hard for me to forget that when you’re around, but there’s more to the story than you know about.

"And Ruben is a great, _loving_ man, but he’s soft. There’s something he hasn’t told you, we both haven’t told you, because he doesn’t want to hurt you. I’ve wanted to tell you, but I didn’t want to betray him. That’s why I’ve been so distant,"

“Why are you telling me this?” The words came out in a whisper, as though her body itself didn’t believe what she was hearing. What didn't she know? All she had wanted were answers. Now that she was about to get them, she wasn't sure if she was ready.

"Because you deserve to know; we’ve known about you, mija," Geny said, "longer than you think,”

Mari’s breath caught in her throat. For months, she was so happy she found him, so proud of herself and so thankful he accepted her.

A million thoughts raced through her mind; the whole time, he knew? How long? Why didn’t he look for her? Did he know what her mother was doing? Did he care?

“We found out about you not long after you were born, when your mother started demanding child support. He paid for it until she contacted him and he realized where those payments were going. He felt so guilty, Mari, for not finding you sooner.

“He truly thought you were having a good life and he didn’t want to get in the middle of that. If we had known what was happening in that house, we would have got you out of there,”

Mari bit her cheek to stop the tears she could feel welling in her eyes. Betrayal churned in her gut, causing a sickly feeling. He had known. He had sat idly by while she defended him and told his children that he didn’t lie, that he didn’t know better.

For eighteen years, he sat here with his beautiful wife and his beautiful children in their beautiful house. Meanwhile, Mari didn’t know when the power would be cut off, or when she would get her next meal, or when her mother’s boyfriend would come onto her while no one was around.

Geny said he didn’t know how to find her. Maybe that was the truth. Still, he had almost eighteen years. Mari only needed four months to find him. Maybe the truth was that he didn’t really want to try.

Reaching out a hand to touch Mari’s shoulder, Geny wanted Mari to know she wasn't alone in this, that she was supported.

Mari brushed the hand away and stood. “I need some air. Food’s done, by the way,”

She was out the front door before Geny could stop her.

Already halfway down the street, Mari realized she had started to cry. Hot air made her tears feel sticky and she wiped at them with her hands. Taking it one step at a time, her feet led her to the only other familiar place.

The front door of Spooky's house was closed, but there were a few cholos hanging around the yard. Hip-hop was playing somewhere out back, loud enough for her to hear from a few houses down. Numbness flooding her veins, she approached one of them, albeit the smaller, less intimidating one.

“Is Spooky here?” She asked.

The guy stepped to her. “Why you wanna know, hyna?”

“He invited me yesterday. I said I couldn’t make it but plans changed,”

The guy looked her up and down, but not in the sort of wanting way that she had become accustomed to since moving here. After a long moment of sizing her up, figuring her out, he nodded and gestured to the house.

"He's probably out back somewhere,"

Entering the house, all the doors she could see were closed, most had smoke leaking out the bottom. The hall she walked through was thick with smoke and the smell of weed was so strong she expected a secondhand high. Following the sound of the speakers, she made her way outside.

Scanning the crowd, she didn’t see him. Her disappointment grew; first Ruben, and now Oscar wasn’t at a party that _he_ invited her to? Okay, she said she couldn’t go, but right now she was hurting. Who could expect her to be rational at a time like this?

Mari wanted something to numb the pain further (and further until she didn't feel anything). The bottles of tequila across the yard seemed like a good place to start. Since Spooky wasn’t here to show her the ropes, she helped herself to a red solo cup and dropped a lime wedge in there, for good measure. Drinking alone at a time like this wasn’t as fun as it seemed. So, she drank more and more, until she cared less and less.

A group of girls sat on the sofa a few feet away. Feeling a bit giddy and full of liquid courage, Mari made her way over. As she got there, a couple of Santos did too. Three of the girls left, leaving Mari alone with one blonde who looked only half-conscious.

The blonde girl's body swayed. She looked pale, and maybe it was the mix of moonlight and smoke, but she was starting to look a little green. The blonde girl opened her mouth to speak, but immediately bought a hand to cover it.

Hunching over, head between her legs and hair in her face. Mari jumped over with a cry of “oh, girl!”

Mari pulled the girl’s hair into a ponytail, held together by her fist, as she chucked all over the floor. Then, she passed out.

Mari let the blonde’s hair loose with a groan and slumped on the seat.

“So much for making friends my own age,” she muttered to herself and downed the rest of her drink.

Her throat burned, but that last mouthful seemed to do the trick. Her thoughts no longer made sense. The party kicked up a notch. The guy standing at the makeshift bar giving her those bedroom eyes was starting to look pretty damn fine.

Holding his gaze, she made her way over. He was taller than her, but not as tall as Spooky. He wore cut off denim shorts, long black socks, and a black wife-beater. It was a look she had recently discovered she was into, but maybe that was just Oscar. On this guy, the outfit wasn't making her drool the way it did on the leader of the Santos. She briefly wondered again where he was, but it was out of sight out and of mind when the man spoke.

“Hey mami,” he greeted. It didn’t give her the same sort of tingle she got when Oscar called her that, even by text. Still, she didn’t mind the attention. “Can I get you a drink?”

Mari glanced at her recently emptied cup, and then at the swarm of bodies that were grinding to the loud music.

“I wanna dance!” she shouted a little over the volume.

“Ay, we can do that,” he nodded, placing a hand on her lower back. The touch jolted her a little. It was almost sobering, as goosebumps ran up her arms at the touch. She wished it was a good thing, but her heart wasn't racing in a good way. Did she really want to go and grind on a guy she didn’t know in front of a bunch of strangers? Swallowing her anxiety, she decided; yes, she did.

“One sec!” she ordered, holding up a finger.

Turning to the bar, she took four of the disposable shot glasses and lined them up, pouring the liquor until they were full. Taking two for herself, she downed them one after the other. The Santo chuckled.

“Damn, bitch,” he said, grabbing the other two glasses, “I like the way you think,”

Mari took one of the shots back. “Uh-uh! only one of those was for you, compa!”

Flashing him a smile, she took the shot before grabbing his hand and dragging him into the crowd. His hands found her hips and she swayed, gently at first, sure to keep some distance between them.

“What’s your name,” he leaned into her so that she could hear him.

Gripping his shoulders to steady herself, she stood on her toes to reach his ear as she replied, “Mari!”

As she slipped back down, she lost her balance and fell into him. He caught her with a smile and kept his arms around her waist, like they belonged there. Telling the apprehension at the back of her mind to go away, she snaked her arms around his neck.

“I’m Sad Eyes,”

She wanted to roll her eyes at the nickname, but she thought that might be disrespectful so she said nothing.

They danced for another minute, and then he said, “you, uh, you got something on your top,”

He pointed to her shoulder. Whether it was the sauce she had been cooking earlier or blonde girl’s vomit, she didn’t care. With a shrug, she lifted the top above her head and threw it into the slew of people.

Sad Eyes’ smile widened and he bought her in closer, his body pressed against her chest clad in only a lilac bra.

His hands weren’t warm against her skin like she’d hoped they would be, but the warmth she got from the tequila helped her forget about that. She didn’t know how long they were dancing, only that time was passing and she wasn’t thinking. They danced until her feet hurt.

Beginning to tire, she looked around to take in what everyone else was doing. There were people doing body shots on the table that had acted as the bar. Mari couldn't help but stare. She had never been to a party like this, never seen anyone acting like that.

“Look fun, mami?” Sad Eyes asked.

Mari nodded, slightly hesitant. Sad Eyes pulled her over, getting ready to go next. The crowd cheered as the cholo finished the shot, Mari joined in. She didn’t know exactly why she was cheering, but the atmosphere was electric. Here, she felt welcomed, comfortable and included for the first time in a long time.

When it was her turn, Sad Eyes helped her onto the table. He handed her a shot of tequila and placed a lime wedge between her lips. His hot tongue licked a stripe from the bottom of her ribcage to the spot above the rose gold jewelry piercing her bellybutton. He poured the salt along her abdomen where his tongue had been and flashed her a cheeky smile.

He pressed a hand to her knee. She could feel it where her black jeans ripped at the knees. Despite how much he had touched her tonight, it wasn’t familiar like she knew some simple touches could be.

As he leaned back down to lick the salt from her tan skin, time moved in slow motion. There was a heat pooling inside her and for a moment, she let the feeling take over as she closed her eyes. The face she saw behind her eyelids didn’t belong to Sad Eyes; it belonged to Oscar. The thought jolted her so much so that she immediately opened her eyes again.

Before his tongue could touch her skin for the second time, he was yanked away. All of a sudden, Oscar was towering over her.

Eyebrows knitted together, nostrils flared; she had never seen him so furious.

“Get up,” he ordered. His voice was deep and rough and it gave her butterflies.

In this state of mind, she was unable to take him seriously. Taking the lime out of her mouth, she held the shot out to him.

“Oh, come on Mr. Spoilsport,” she slurred, “you can at least take the shot!”

His usually soft eyes turned hard as he shot her a glare. Soon enough, the Santos and all their hynas were chanting for Spooky to take the shot. Hastily grabbing the shot from her hand, he drained it before he angrily swiped at the salt on her stomach. His hand caught the metal bar and tugged at the piercing. Mari let out a small yelp of pain and Spooky’s eyes softened to a point she didn’t expect. He almost looked guilty.

“Shit, Mari,” he muttered so low only she could hear, “I’m sorry. Just, please get up,”

Hearing him plead like that broke her resolve. She didn’t know what his problem was, but how could she care when he was looking at her with those eyes?

She got off the table and he didn’t hesitate to wrap an arm around her bare torso, shielding her from any lecherous gazes. There was the warmth she had been missing all night, the casual intimacy and the tingles it caused.

Arm tucked tight around her waist, he led her through the foggy halls into the room at the far end of the hall.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

Walking into Spooky’s room was like entering a whole new world. It felt almost too personal, like he was opening his heart and soul for only Mari to see. Like the man himself, it was organized chaos. The bed was made but covered with piles of clothes. The furniture - bedside table, tallboy, chair, and a bookshelf - all tidy but mismatched. There were CD’s on his dresser but haphazardly piled up in a sort of leaning tower, and there was one single framed. It was a picture of Oscar, his arm thrown around Cesar. They looked younger in the photo, happy. Mari hoped she could see that smile more.

Making sure to close the door behind them, Oscar set her down on the bed. He didn’t say anything and that worried her. Shame and humiliation crashed into her like a wave. Feeling smaller than ever, her mind repeated the same mantra; _stupid, stupid, stupid_. She never should have come tonight.

His pointed silence spoke volumes. He was angry, as if she were a child that had disobeyed his orders, but she wasn't a child, and he had no authority to order her to do anything.

With a resigned sigh, he headed to the dresser. He took out a white t-shirt, handed it to Mari and ran a hand over his face in exasperation.

“Did I hurt you?” He asked, caving. He wanted to stay mad, but the guilt was eating at his insides like a bad disease. He had heard the yelp as he tugged the piercing, had felt the way it snagged on the palm of his hand.

Despite his arms being crossed over his chest like a shield, Mari could sense his vulnerability in the way he nibbled at the inside of his lip. He was worried, afraid that he had really hurt her. It caused a strange tightness in her chest.

Desperate to erase the pained expression on his face, she assured him that it only hurt for a second and, promptly changing the subject, she gestured to the photo on the dresser. “Cesar your brother?”

Oscar nodded. Mari remembered something Ruby had said - something about Cesar’s brother recently getting out of jail.

“You were in prison?”

“Yeah,” he said, “that scare you?”

“No,” she said, surprising herself when she realized just how much she meant it. Anything he had done, it couldn’t have been worse than what she experienced with her mom.

“Well it should,” The sincerity in his eyes made her want to be afraid, for him, but she wasn’t. He heaved a sigh and the bed sank where he sat beside her. “What are you doing here?”.

Lost in his voice and so close she could feel his breath on her face, it took her some time to find a reply. “You invited me,”

“You said you couldn’t make it,”

“Then I could. What’s the problem?”

“The problem is you should be with your family, not hanging around here with a bunch of cholos!”

 _Without me_ is what he didn’t say.

He was getting riled up again, but that didn’t stop Mari; as far as she was concerned, he had no right to police where she was or who she was with. His voice boomed, but anger was tainted with a tone of something else; jealousy, if Mari didn't know any better.

That excited her, egged her on to provoke him further until he acted on his feelings. “What does it matter if I’m here, with or without you?”

“Because I’ll protect you!”

Time itself paused at his confession.

Oscar sucked in a deep breath - he hadn't meant to say that. He needed to calm down; he didn't want to bite her head off.

“You know, Mari," Oscar's voice was gentle this time when he spoke, filled with a tenderness that Mari had never expected from him. "No matter what - Prophets, Santos, anything - _I’ll_ keep you safe. I can’t say that for the rest of them. Fuck, Mari, they don’t know you; they don’t care! _I_ care. So don’t fuck around like that when I’m not there,”

His admission overwhelmed her in the best way, simultaneously too much and not enough. On the one hand, Mari had no idea she mattered that much to him. All her life, there was never anyone to care. The revelation that Oscar _did_ scared her, almost to the point she wanted to run.

On the other hand, she was craving more. More of him. More of the words that made butterflies flutter in her stomach. More of the way he made her feel less alone, and like she wasn't the only one of them that felt this _something_ , for the other.

 _Crush?_ She thought. _Yes_.

Mari needed to do something - to comfort him or to let him know she heard what he was saying, she wasn't sure. All she knew was that her body was itching, like a junkie having withdrawals, she _had_ to touch him. So she did. In a move so bold she would never dare do it sober, she took his hand in hers.

The touch made her entire body set fire; blood turned to lava and her bones melted pleasantly from the heat. Mari never knew that an action so simple could cause such fervent feelings to awaken within her. Still, it didn't feel like enough; she wasn't satisfied. This was a dangerous feeling, scary and new, but it was addictive. If he were the flame then Mari was the moth and she would burn with a smile on her face.

In one fell swoop, she swung her leg across his lap and turned her body into him, knees sitting comfortably on either side of his thighs. Both hands found the back of his neck. With all the strength and tequila-induced bravery she could muster, she pressed her body against his and kissed him. She hoped that, in her kiss, he could hear all the words she was too scared to say aloud.

She closed her eyes, melting into his fire. She swore he was kissing her back, but then his hands were on her shoulders and he was pulling away.

He lifted her from his lap and she cursed at the way she liked being manhandled by him.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea, Mariana,” he said so low she almost missed it as he stood from the bed. Any other time, she thinks she would’ve loved the way he said her name, but hearing it at the butt end of a rejection just hurt.

A knock at the door saved her from having to respond. Spooky shot her a knowing, almost sorry, look before heading over to open it. On the opposite side of the threshold was Ruben. Sobriety hit Mari like a ton of bricks.

“Ruben?” she blanched, “what are you doing here?”

“I came looking for you,” he replied.

Mari snorted, rolled her eyes, and muttered, mostly to herself, “only took eighteen years,”

Her father looked down, red-faced.

“Mari,” Oscar frowned, “give him a chance,”

“He didn’t even bother, Spooky!" she yelled.

She was angry; at Ruben, for doing nothing to save her from the life she was living, and Oscar, for making her feel something that terrified her, then shutting her down. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew she was being unfair. But life was cruel, and she was desperate for someone to blame.

"I was starving!" she screamed, "Stealing money to pay the bills! Staying up all night to make sure my own mother didn’t OD in her sleep, or choke on her own vomit! And he didn’t even _bother_ to contact me to see how I was doing!”

Oscar nodded his understanding. There was a softness in his eyes, one that was reserved only for her, as he took two steps to stand before her. He took her face into his hands, forcing her to face him as his intense gaze bore holes into her soul.

“I know, Mari,” he said, “but he's here now, and he’s trying,”

Mari wanted to stay mad. She wanted to say no, and to make Ruben go away, but then she looked at Oscar and he was giving her that pleading look again. When he was looking at her like that, she knew she couldn’t say no, and she hated that.

Mari made a mental note to work on her resolve.

She gave in with a sigh. Spooky's hands dropped from her face but her cheeks burned where he had touched.

“How did you know I was here?”

“Um,” Ruby’s voice sounded and he appeared from behind Ruben, a sheepish look on his face, “that was me,”

Spooky looked between them. “I’ll give you guys a minute,”

He gestured the Martinez men into the room and then let himself out, closing the door behind him.

Mari turned on Ruby, arms crossed. “Spill,”

Ruby shrugged. "I may have, on occasion - by accident, with no intention to snoop - seen you texting Spooky. I called Cesar and asked if you were with Spooky but Cesar said Spooky was with _him_. Then, apparently, Spooky got all worried when Cesar said we were looking for you, so he texted the other cholos to find you. He heard you were at the party, so he got you and Cesar texted me and I told dad,”

“I thought you weren’t talking to Cesar?”

“Cesar is still dead to us,” Ruby confirmed with a nod, “this was a one time only interaction because it was for a good cause,”

“Mari," Ruben cut in, "you have every right to be angry, but please don’t run off like that! Geny and I were so worried when you didn’t come back. I didn’t even know where to start looking, I-”

“I’m not mad; not at you, anyway,” Mari interrupted, hearing his anxiety rise with every word.

She hadn't meant to make them worry. Her anger wasn't toward Ruben, not directly - he was simply the closest target. She was mad that she never got the life she could’ve had if Ruben _had_ tried. It couldn't be changed, she knew that, Mari only wanted a night to stop thinking about the bullshit that had been weighing her down.

“I’m sorry I ran off. I was overwhelmed, and jealous. Ruby, Mario, the twins; they all got to be kids! They got birthday parties and siblings! They got to go to school! I never had that and I was so angry that you didn’t look for me that I took it out on you, that wasn't fair,”

Ruben hung his head, shame coloring his face. All of a sudden, Mari felt awful. Guilt swirled in the pit of her stomach, making her feel sick. Was she being too hard on him? Too overdramatic?

“Not trying harder to have you in my life is one of the biggest regrets of my life,” he said. When he brought himself to look back up at her, his eyes shone with tears. “I’m so sorry,”

Tears stung her eyes. Things had been so full on lately. Finding Ruben, meeting his family and her confusing feelings for Spooky; it was all becoming too much to carry. Now, she felt like a huge weight had dropped from her shoulders. The road was far from clear, she still had to tread lightly, but it was a start. She was done with feeling suffocated, and ready to move forward.

She flung herself off the bed and wrapped her arms around Ruben in a tight hug. She felt another arm snake around her back and she shifted to bring Ruby in. It felt good and warm and safe; it felt like family.

“I’m sorry, too,” Ruby said as the hug ended. “On behalf of me and my siblings. I’m sorry you never got any of that stuff, and that you never got to be a kid. We’re going to make up for all of that, starting with a kickass - butt, kickbutt - birthday party! When is your birthday?”

“Next Saturday,” Ruben answered with a smile, “July twenty-eight,”

Mari smiled back, heart fluttering happily. “You knew that?”

“Other than your name, it was the only thing your mom told me. Geny and I already got you a gift,”

Ruby gaped. “Next Saturday? That doesn’t leave me a lot of time to plan, but that’s okay. I’ll rally the squad; Jamal and...Jamal, I’ll rally Jamal. We can come up with something. Who are all your friends?”

“Uh...Spooky?"

“Guestlist pending,” he said to Mari and then turned to Ruben and uttered, “I’ll have to ask mom about that one, right?”

Ruben nodded and clapped Ruby on the shoulder. “How about we leave the party planning until tomorrow? We should be getting home. The streets aren’t safe this time of night,”

Ruby began to argue, saying there wasn't time to waste, but Ruben was already pushing him out the door.

Oscar was waiting outside when Mari left the room.

“Were you eavesdropping?”

“Nah,” he said, “Just keeping an eye out,”

She nodded. Mari wanted to say more - about them, and about that kiss - but it wasn't the time. She bit her tongue to silence all the words she wanted to say, to repress the urge to kiss him again.

Instead, she said, “thank you for everything. I’ll wash the shirt before I return it,”

“No rush,” Oscar shrugged, “it looks good on you,”

He was giving too many mixed messages for her brain to decipher. He pushed her away when she was _sure_ he kissed her back. He didn't want her, yet he wouldn't let anyone else have her. How was she supposed to keep up when he barely seemed to know what he wanted? Mari didn't know how to reply, so she said nothing.

Swallowing her feelings, she offered a wave and a small smile. Then, she walked away and she didn't look back.

 

. : ♱ : .

 

In the days that followed the party, Mari spent some time reflecting on where her life had led. Up until now, she had taken care of herself and her mother.

Her mother haunted her dreams, more than usual. The nightmare replayed in vivid flashes every time Mari closed her eyes.

Lying in Spooky's arms, only to be woken by her mother, screaming at her that she didn't belong. In the dream, Mari turned to Oscar, wanting to hide her face in his chest, but he was gone - the bed untouched like he had never been there. Her mother dragged her out of the house by the hair and threw her into an empty room as she screamed.

Everything went dark. She screamed for help, for someone to let her out. She shouted until her throat was raw and when she could no longer speak, the lights came back on, and a dark figure sat opposite her. Inching closer and closer, his features became clearer. Mari scampered away from him until she found herself backed into a corner. No escape. He laughed aloud, wicked cackle and reached a hand out to touch her face. That's when she woke up - drenched in sweat and short of breath.

Mari glanced to the bed on the other side of the room, hoping she hadn't woken Abuelita. The older woman was out like a light.

Icy fear ran through Mari's veins. She finished off the glass of water that sat on her bedside table.

After too many nights of that same dream, Mari felt helpless. Trapped, like a bird who had flown the coop, only to land in a gilded cage. Her whole reason for running away and coming here, other than meeting Ruben, was to start her life over. In order to do that, Mari needed to stop relying on everyone else - Ruben and Geny for shelter, or Spooky for comfort.

Sitting up in bed, screen-brightness turned down all the way, she searched for job openings in Freeridge. Job opportunities were limited, though it shouldn't surprise her. This was a town whose main economy was tied up in gang business. There were the basic necessities - hospital, Costco, a few diners and cafes - but business wasn't exactly booming.

There was an ad for a management position at an old convenience store. It seemed like it cost more to run than it was worth, and Mari was sure she would earn less than minimum wage. Working conditions would be atrocious, but she needed something to fill her days (and her pockets). The advertisement read: **No experience needed. You are expected to run things yourself. Don't expect a promising career**. Mari hit _apply_.

Feeling somewhat satisfied that she was doing something with her life, earning her keep, she eased back to sleep. When she woke again, there was a new email in her inbox from the current manager of the store asking her to come in.

She dressed in her best jeans and a sleeveless, lemonade pink top - the first thing she ever stole.

It was the first night Mari had been left alone with her mother's boyfriend. The first night she knew she was no longer safe in her home. Burning with resentment - toward the world, and everything she didn't have - and desperate to feel pretty again, she took the nicest thing she saw. If the universe could take so much from her, Mari remembered thinking, then she would take something, too. Still, the guilt ate her up. After that, she only took what she needed to survive - some food, here, a couple of dollars, there. Not anymore; she was determined to be better than that now, for Ruben, and for herself.

Wild, untameable curls pulled into a top-knot, she brushed on mascara and a touch of eyeliner. She felt beautiful, confident, put together - everything that she had always wanted to be.

She got the job right away. When they said 'no experience' they meant it. The now-ex manager told her that the store was right on the border of Santos and Prophets territory. He was too scared to keep the job.

He gave her a thirty-minute general walkthrough. How to use the register, when to restock and where to find the taser in case of Prophet$.

Then, he was gone with a "thanks, man, and good luck!"

It wasn’t very busy. People would come in every now and then, but it definitely wasn't enough to pass the time. To keep the boredom at bay, she flicked through every magazine in the store - right to the horoscope section.

Every month, without fail, it would tell her that something amazing was about to happen. Of course, it never did, but it kept her spirits high when she was down, gave her something to believe.

She exhausted the magazine selection quickly, so to kill time, she turned to Instagram. Cesar’s Instagram, to be specific. Oscar didn’t have an account of his own. Scrolling until she found a picture of Spooky, she would sit and stare like a junkie that needed a fix. Fear poked around the back of her mind. Fear that this addictive personality was genetic or, at the very least, a learned behavior.

The electric bell dinged, signaling a customer. Not seeing anyone, she continued her scrolling until a familiar voice greeted her.

“Mari?”

The girl in question all but threw her phone aside, fumbling to lock the screen and hide what she had been looking at.

“Oscar, hey!”

Trying too hard to sound casual and happy made the words come out forced and awkward. What do you say to your only friend, mere days after you kissed them?

He nodded to where she stood on the other side of the counter. “What are you doin'?”

“I work here now,” she beamed, full of pride.

"You need money?"

Mari let out a quick laugh. "I _need_ something to do. Besides, I'll need to move out of Ruben's some time."

Oscar’s brows knitted together and he stepped closer, slamming his items on the counter. Mari had braced herself for the impact, then mentally gave herself a pat on the back for not reacting to the harsh slam.

“They kicking you out?" he asked, eyes glazing over in anger. "Not treating you right?”

“No, chill, I just want more freedom. And since I’m nearly eighteen...well, no time like the present and all that shit, right?”

Spooky visibly calmed. Mari's stomach did flips at his concern.

“Yeah, your birthday next Saturday. I heard,”

"So you _were_ eavesdropping! Then you know Ruby wants to throw me a party. Will you come?”

He raised a brow in question. “Ruby didn’t tell you? Shit. I can’t, Mari. I’m...not allowed,”

Mari outright cackled. “Not _allowed_?”

“Ruby talked to me. Said Geny doesn’t want a convicted felon in her house. I gotta respect that,”

Fury bubbled deep in her; Spooky had been the one looking out for her from the start. How could she sit by and let Geny dictate her relationship like that?

Then again, did Mari even have a relationship with Spooky anymore? They hadn’t spoken since the party. Not wanting to deal with this now, Mari opted for small talk. Mari looked at the items he had set down between them; a six-pack of beer and a family bag of Flaming Hot Cheetos.

“Big night with the boys?”

She meant it as a joke, but his ears burned red as he handed her some cash. The doorbell rang again.

A blond, much closer to Spooky’s age, walked in. This girl was supermodel gorgeous with a contoured face and legs for days. Mari's heart sunk - she was inexperienced and prudish; every caress had to be gentle, every kiss had to be earned. Why on earth would Oscar want Mari, when he could have this girl?

Something about her was familiar, too. The girl reached Spooky and draped herself over him. Then it hit Mari - this was the blond girl from the party. Mari was ready to disappear.

“Spooky, I’m sick of waiting in the car,” the girl whined, “what’s taking so long?”

“I’m almost done. Go wait,” his words were for the blond, but he wasn’t looking at her.

She stomped a heeled foot. “I’m not some hyna you can boss around, you know!”

“Then leave!”

Bottom lip pouting, she looked at Mari and then back at Spooky.

“I’ll be in the car,”

And then she was gone, as though she didn’t just drop a bomb on Mari's heart and leave her to pick up the pieces.

She felt like such an idiot - not only had she kissed her friend but that friend wasn’t even single.

“I’m sorry,” she blurted, unable to stop herself. Her heart always worked faster than her brain. “I never should’ve kissed you. I didn’t know you were with someone!”

He didn’t look at her. Was he ashamed for not telling her?

“It was nothin’,” he said.

 _Nothing_. Right.

“Spooky, do you believe in love at first sight?” She wanted to smack herself the second it was said - she had been reading too many horoscopes - but she couldn’t undo it.

She snuck a glance. He shrugged. She looked down as he raised his head to look at her.

“Love is a chemical reaction in your brain,” he said, “easily triggered.”

She huffed a laugh. Of course, he would say some smart shit like that. If she knew anything, it was that there was more going on in that pretty head of his than people gave him credit for.

Finding the courage to look at him, she offered a tight smile, and when she spoke, it was soft, as though barely allowing the words to leave her lips. "I think you triggered my chemical reaction. I’m not saying I’m in love with you, but I like you. I think about you all the time. I get excited to see you. You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know. Kissing you was a mistake, but it wasn’t 'nothing'. Not to me,”

His dark brown eyes weren’t sparkling with mischief like they usually did. Mari suddenly wished she hadn’t said anything.

“Here’s your change,” she handed him some coins. “You should get back to her, she’s waiting,”

Spooky nodded and wiped his face with a large hand. Grabbing his things, he headed for the door.

A pained look on his face, Oscar knew he was in his head. Mari was smart and beautiful, but she didn’t know what she was saying. The sensible side of him dominated. It was the side that knew he couldn’t entertain those feelings. He wasn’t good for her; she was too young to get tied up in this life. But there was a devil whispering things in his ear, and for just a minute, that devil won over.

“I’m not with her," he said, stopping at the door, "and you look good,”

Slumping, Mari held her head in her hands as she watched him leave. What did he want from her?

There was something electric in the air between them, she could feel it; energy that pulsed with life whenever they were together. But he was giving her so many different signals, that maybe it was static.

Her phone rang. It pulled her out of her thoughts and back into the present. She didn’t bother checking the caller ID as she answered.

“Hello?”

“ _Mari_!” Ruby’s voice called from the other side, “ _quick, are you more of a strawberry or chocolate girl? And gold or rose gold? Oh! And edible glitter or gold flakes_?”

“Strawberry, rose gold, gold flakes,” she rattled off, “done?”

“ _Done, thanks_ ,”

She ended the call and sighed. Maybe it was for the best that Oscar wasn’t coming to her birthday. Maybe she needed some time away from him to get over him.

The phone chimed again and she answered with a groan.

“Ruby, I-” she started, but was interrupted by a woman yelling.

“ _Mariana Martinez_!” Her mother’s voice rang out.

Mari froze, feeling as though she was paralyzed and trapped in her nightmare all over again.

“ _Where the fuck did you_ -”

Mari ended the call, set her phone to silent and shoved it in her pocket. She would remind herself to block that number when she got home. Heart racing, Mari realized it was only a matter of time until her mother found her.


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

The Martinez house was full - Mari didn’t know this many people could fit in such a tiny four-bedroom. That was part of the problem though.

It was Mari’s birthday and Abuelita had made her a gorgeous dress - deep red, crushed velour with spaghetti straps and a hem that fell just above the floor. Ruby took part of the credit, as he bragged about how he snaked Mari’s phone and scrolled her Pinterest boards for inspiration. She felt beautiful, like a star, but she was far from the center of attention.

Almost everyone here was either extended Martinez family or Ruby’s friend. Though she appreciated the effort Ruby had made, she really didn’t know what to do with herself. When people would speak to her, it was usually a friend or family member of Geny’s who wanted to get the scoop on Ruben’s long lost daughter.

It was suffocating, and Mari was overwhelmed, but at the same time, she felt more alone than she had since she got here. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she had eyes on her everywhere. And yet, no one seemed to be taking the time to get to know her. She never thought she’d miss the birthdays she spent alone at her mother’s house, but at least there she didn’t feel like a sideshow act.

On the bright side, Mari hadn’t heard from her mother since the other day. She had also had made a point of not answering private numbers. She blocked her mother’s number and she didn’t mention it to anyone- it wasn't a big deal, after all. She was fine here; that’s what she kept telling herself.

“Fuck,” she muttered to herself as she glanced around the room, desperate for a distraction. Something to keep her mind occupied, her hands busy and her nerves down.

Just as the thought crossed her mind, Jasmine - one of Ruby’s classmates that she had met tonight - walked past with a plate of what looked like mini fajitas.

 _Food, perfect_! She thought, reaching out an arm to stop Jasmine.

“Girl,” she said, taking the plate from Jasmine’s hands. Mari bit the fajita off the toothpick in one clean bite. And then the second, and the third. And the fourth.

“Damn, girl!” Jasmine grinned. “I gotta admit, you looked like another one of them skinny bitches but shit, you can eat! Oh, but girl, don’t worry; I’m into it, I’m into it,”

“Jasmine, these are really good!” Mari liked Jasmine. The girl seemed genuinely interested in knowing Mari - when she wasn’t trying to get the gossip on her, anyway.

“I know right!” Jasmine replied, popping one in her mouth, “my mom made them a couple weeks ago and she was just going to throw them out but I was like damn, what a waste! So I just reheated ‘em, no big deal,”

Mari stopped eating immediately. “Wait, weeks? Jasmine, this is chicken - how old are these?”

Jasmine shrugged, “like two, three weeks? Don’t worry though, I had them for lunch yesterday, they’re fine!”

“Yesterday? How many times have they been reheated?” Mari shook her head, “actually, no. I don’t wanna know,”

Resigning herself to the fact that she probably just contracted salmonella or something, Mari headed for the bathroom.

“Mari!”

Ruby. She really didn’t know if she could deal with this right now. There were too many people Staring and whispering about her. She just ate three-week-old chicken. This wasn't her night and she was ready to hide in her room until everyone was gone.

“Ruby, I’m pretty sure I just got food poisoning from Jasmine, so I really need to go and vomit now,” she said, exasperated. “Is this important?”

“No, that’s perfect!” Ruby said, eyes lighting up. He grabbed a nearby chair and climbed onto it so that he could yell above the crowd. “Yo, everyone! Mari ain’t feeling well so she’s gonna go throw up! I’d avoid the bathroom until she comes out!”

Mari gaped at him until he clambered back down.

“Ruby, what the hell?”

“It’s fine,” he said as he opened the bathroom door and shoved her inside, “have fun!”

The door closed behind her with a slam. Mari looked around the room. To the side of the window opposite the door, there was a piece of lined notebook paper stuck to the wall. Written in colorful markers, the paper read **EXIT THIS WAY**. The sign was punctuated with arrows pointing to the window, and beneath that was a chair with another note.

**I know it’s small, but it’s the only window without bars on it. Sorry! :(**

Mari giggled and curiosity got the best of her. Though it took a bit of contortion, she shimmied her way out. When she was finally outside (and breathing fresh air for what felt like the first time all night) she looked around. Laughing when she saw what was waiting, Mari felt like the wind had been knocked out of her.

Standing near the gate was Oscar, clad in his usual shorts and white socks, complete with a black wife-beater. In his hands was a small cake with a handful of candles on top.

“Ruby thought you would be feeling a bit out of place,” Spooky said, plain and casual as though the sight of him alone wasn’t making her heart beat so hard it could break her chest.

What was he doing here? After everything that had happened between them, the last thing she was expecting was Spooky to turn up.

“So he arranged me a…you? With a cake?” She asked with a laugh, crossing the yard to meet him.

“The cake was my idea,” he said with a smirk and a half-shrug as if to say it was no big deal. She was pretty sure her heart skipped an actual beat.

Too embarrassed to face him, her face bright red, she chose instead to stare down at the cake. Deep purple-red and in two layers separated by some sort of white icing. Red velvet, if Mari were to guess.

What was he doing to her? Did he know the things he made her heart do? Was it on purpose?

“Ruby knows me well,” Mari said, “I couldn’t wait to get out of there,”

“So, let’s get out of here,”

From the moment he said it, Mari knew she shouldn’t leave with him. It would be rude; to Ruby, who planned this, and Geny, who was letting all these people trash her house, and Ruben who would be so worried. Her throat closed up at the idea of going back in there.

Regardless, the answer was simple.

“Let’s go,”

It was a bad idea. She was only going to cause herself more embarrassment and heartache, but he had this power over her. He had this kind of magnetism about him, and Mari couldn’t stay away.

“You look good in that dress, mami,” he said. He was taking care to stay about a foot away from her, but she didn’t miss the way his gaze lingered a second too long on every curve. “Real good,”

“Thanks," she said, smiling a little to herself, "Abuelita made it for me,”

“It, uh, fits well,” he cleared his throat and offered one last lingering glance. "Real well,"

Mari's skin tingled, her body was on fire. When he was with her, saying those things, desire pulsed through her, and she was beautiful. His stare didn't make her feel dirty, his words didn't make her want to hide. With Oscar, she forgot every other time someone had made her feel like her body wasn't hers to control.

“You didn’t have to do this,” she said, gesturing to the cake in her hands.

“I wanted to,”

The line gave her all kinds of feelings; heat in her stomach and a cold hand that wrapped around her heart and _squeezed_. She couldn’t keep this up. She needed to get over him and he wasn’t helping.

Mari stopped walking and turned to him. “Then, what I mean is that you can’t keep doing this,”

He paused and asked, “and why is that?”

And then he continued walking. With a sigh, she walked with him. Maybe this conversation would be easier if they weren’t facing each other.

“Surprising me,” she said, “the cake, letting me know you aren’t with that girl, saying I look good. You know I’m into you. You’ve made it clear you aren’t into me. Doing all this shit isn’t helping me get over you,”

At some point, they had reached Oscar’s house. The lights were on but the place was quiet; Mari suspected this was a rare occasion no one was home. Spooky didn’t say anything as he unlocked the door. Neither did Mari. Her cards were on the table, now it was his turn.

Did she want to know what he was thinking? Yes. He looked so deep in thought though, a cute frown on his face and a small pout. Mari didn’t want to push him - if she pushed too hard those walls would come right back up.

He led her inside and locked the door behind them. Taking the cake from Mari’s hands, he set it on the kitchen bench as they passed. His hand pressed against her lower back, they walked through the vaguely familiar hall to his room. His hand was warm. Mari was loving the feeling of his hands on her. The tingles were back.

He watched, silent, pensive, as Mari sat on the edge of his bed, waiting for her to make herself comfortable before speaking. “When did I say that?"

Mari blinked. "What?"

"When did I say I wasn’t into you?” he clarified.

“At the party," she told him, "when I kissed you,”

He made his way over and sat beside her. This situation was all too familiar and she was starting to get antsy. They were only sitting together, they'd done it before, so why did this feel so intimate?

Spooky looked at her, he was so close she could feel his warm breath on her face. He smelled of cigars and beer.

“I said it wasn’t a good idea," he said, voice low, "I never said I didn’t want it,”

“So," Mari swallowed the nervous lump in her throat, "what are you saying now?”

Spooky looked away. “That maybe you triggered my chemical reaction, too,”

It was suddenly too hot. Mari’s hands were getting clammy, her heart was racing and her dress was uncomfortable. What is he saying? She shut up as he continued.

“I didn’t know at first, that I was into you. I knew you were a fine ass hyna,” he raked his eyes down her body, “and I knew I wanted a piece. Then, the other day, I was with you, and she walked in...it just sorta clicked in my brain. I wasn’t interested in her when you were around,”

Mari’s world was spinning. Her feelings were returned and she wasn’t crazy! She wanted to kiss him again, but she wouldn’t risk it yet. He had to make the first move this time.

Instead, she asked him, “what now?”

His answer broke her heart all over again. “I still don’t think it’s a good idea,”

“Why?” She snapped. She couldn’t keep doing this, playing his stupid game of back and forth. She wanted to leave, and she was definitely going to, but she needed answers, she needed closure. “Is it my age? My family? What is it?”

“It’s my life!” He yelled back, “You can’t be safe with me, Mari. The Prophets are unpredictable. Most of them won’t shoot when your woman is around, but that don’t mean you're safe. I won’t risk you,”

Mari wanted to argue, but she couldn’t. Her previous anger evaporated as she melted into him. He had his reasons, and they were good, so she had to respect that.

Maybe they couldn’t be together long-term, or in any sort of serious way, but did that mean they couldn’t be together at all? She wanted him, that much was simple, and he wanted her back.

Turning to him and letting her hands rest on his knees, she looked up at him through her lashes.

“One night," she pleaded, "just give me one night. I like you, you like me. I've never known sex as a positive thing and...I want to. I want my first time to be with someone I trust. It doesn’t have to be a _thing_. No strings, no feelings. Tomorrow, we act like nothing happened, just friends,”

“I don’t know, Mari,” he said with a shake of his head, “aren’t there already feelings?”

She scooted closer. “So call it closure,”

Oscar paused and glanced at her lips, covered in a thin layer of gloss; plump and shimmering. One night wouldn’t hurt, right? Closure. Right. One night. Then, he would know what it was like to be with her and finally get it out of his head.

Right?

The devil on his shoulder won once again.

He cupped her cheek and captured her lips with his. The gloss tasted like cherry and her lips were softer than he had imagined. She let out a small whimper as she melted into the kiss, her hands finding his arms. The sound urged Spooky on. He took it as an invitation to swipe his tongue across her lower lip and slide it into her mouth.

She fumbled a little but picked it up quickly, returning the kiss with fervor. Her body pressed closer to his. He let his hand fall to her hips. Gripping her tight, he pulled her onto his lap as they kissed. She knelt across him, knees on either side of his legs and dress pushed up to her thighs.

Spooky’s hands found their way to her ass and slid under her dress. He pushed the dress up further, grabbing handfuls of her thick backside as she started to grind against him. Oscar’s hands fumbled with the zipper on her dress as he relished in the friction she was creating.

“Look at me, mami,” he ordered, voice like gravel and low enough to send shivers down her spine. She obeyed, meeting his hooded eyes with her own.

He stood from the bed with her in his arms and kissed her once more before he set her down gently. Spaghetti straps slid over her shoulders and the dress fell to the floor in a cascade of crushed velour. In only a pair of peach, seamfree panties, she would’ve felt embarrassed was it not for the way Spooky’s eyes clouded with lust at the sight of her. Instinctually, she brought her arm up to cover her chest.

“Your turn,” she said bravely, despite her pounding heart.

Mari enjoyed the show as Oscar removed his own clothing. She noticed the way each of his muscles moved as he pulled the wife-beater over his head, revealing olive skin. Heat pooled in her core, she could already feel the wetness between her legs. Once he was in only his briefs, he bridged the distance between them.

His arm wrapped around her waist and pulled her body into his. Mari felt his erection press against her, briefly wondering if he was going to be gentle with her. He took her face in his hands and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. That was enough to dispel any doubt.

Oscar’s blood boiled as he felt her breasts press against his chest. Her black hair was still curled to perfection, but her cheeks were rosy, her lips were kiss-swollen and her gloss smeared. She was truly beautiful. Just a moment, he wondered what the hell she was doing here with him.

He brushed the thought aside quickly. Unable to think of a time he had wanted anyone else this badly. He wanted to rip off that dress, turn her around and take her. If it were up to him he would have, but this wasn’t up to him. This was Mari’s night and he wanted to make sure he took his time worshipping her.

Feeling bold, she slid her hand down his chest, past his stomach to his growing bulge. She touched him gently at first, but the way he began to press into her hand urged her on. Mari closed her eyes and let her head drop to his shoulder so he couldn’t see her blush. Her instincts took over, moving her hand up and down in a smooth rhythm. He moaned softly into her ear and she could feel his thick length pulse.

With a hungry growl, he threw her back onto the bed. She let out a small giggle as she landed. The sound was music to his ears and he smiled as he climbed over her, propping himself up on his elbow. His free hand tangled in her hair and he pulled her back for another kiss.

She tasted like cheap champagne and cherry lip gloss and it was addictive. He kissed her hard, with confidence, but she could feel the hesitation on his tongue as it glided over her own.

“Don’t do that,” she whispered against his lips. “Don’t hold back. Kiss me like you mean it,”

He didn’t need to be told twice. Hesitation gone, he kissed her like it might be the last chance he got. His hand left her hair and found its way to her knee. Fingertips tickled the skin of her inner thigh, trailing higher, higher, until he reached the elastic of her panties. Pushing them aside, he let his fingers slide over her wet heat.

Mari’s hips bucked into his hand, a silent plea for more friction. She had never felt anything like this, her body melting in his flames in the best way. Oscar sucked and nipped at the skin of Mari’s neck, then slid his tongue over her skin to soothe it. He repeated this, doing his best to distract her, marking her as his across the expanse of her neck and chest, as his fingers entered her. She cried out, a little from the pain, but most of it was from pleasure.

“Want me to stop?” Oscar mumbled against her ear.

Mari shook her head. “No, I want it,”

He continued pumping in and out of her, slow at first, but picking up speed as her whimpers turned to needy cries. Her back arched off the bed, eyes closed and mouth slightly open. He couldn’t help but think about what it would be like to hear dirty words coming from that pretty mouth of hers, but he wanted her to be comfortable, not pressured or pushed outside of her comfort zone.

A needy whine escaped her lips when his fingers left her. She had never felt anything like that in her life, so euphoric and intimate and she never wanted it to end. Still, she couldn’t wait for what was to come. Glancing down, between her knees, she could see the outline of his length straining against his briefs. From what she could make out it wasn’t too long, not that she had much to compare to, but he was thick and she wanted to feel him.

"Fuck" Oscar muttered, suddenly frustrated and starting to move off the bed. Within a second Mari, had grabbed his arm to stop him.

Where was he going? Was he having regrets? Did he not like it? Mari’s mind was on overdrive, she wished she had the control to stop those thoughts.

“Where are you going?”

She hated the way her voice shook as she asked but then he looked at her with a soft smile, as though he was reading her mind. Chapped lips met her forehead in a small kiss, something that felt both too innocent and too intimate in the moment.

“I need to find a condom, nena,”

Mari tried to ignore the butterflies she got from the pet name. “I’m on the pill, it’s okay,”

She wasn’t sure where the courage to say that came from, but she didn’t care when a cheeky smile spread across his face.

“You sure?” He asked, cocking an eyebrow in that way that makes Mari melt because she doesn’t understand how a single person can be so attractive. She could only nod, pulling him back to his position between her thighs.

She hooked her fingers around the band of his underwear, tugging them down as far as she could in his kneeled position. His cock sprang out of the cotton confines; he was bigger than she had thought and it excited her, but it scared her. She bit her lip, a little too hard, to get rid of any hesitation and grabbed the base of his length, stroking him with steady confidence, reminding herself it’s okay she has no skills because he wants her.

Oscar hissed a “fuck” under his breath and, curious, Mari looked up to gauge his reaction. His brow was furrowed, but his mouth was slightly open and his deep brown eyes were staring at her with intense hunger. Oscar made a low, guttural sound and grabbed Mari’s thighs hard. She almost hoped he’d leave bruises in the shape of his fingerprints so that when she wakes up tomorrow she has some tangible proof that this actually happened - for just one night, she had him.

“Take off your panties,” he ordered and she was quick to obey, watching with a wanting gaze as he removed his own briefs. “Lie down,”

He hovered over her, forearm by her head to hold himself up.

“Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” she said, “this is good. I-Is this good for you? Don’t guys like-”

He cut her off with a kiss and she could feel him aligning himself with her entrance.

“I like this,” he said.

“Oh, okay,” she exhaled into a smile and wrapped her legs around Spooky, locking her ankles behind his back and pressing him into her. “I’d like you to fuck me now, Oscar,”

And then he kissed her again, though, it wasn’t enough to completely distract from the sting of pain she felt as he pressed into her. He filled her up completely and though the feeling was foreign, it was better than she ever thought it could be.

“You good, mami?”

“Yeah, I- Oscar, I need more,” she whined, using her legs to pull him closer to her.

The pain persisted, but Mari focused her attention on the feeling of Oscar’s tongue on her neck, and the smell of cigars and Corona on his breath, until she barely noticed the sting. She pressed a kiss to the Santos cross on his neck, tasting the sweat on his skin as she traced the ink with her tongue.

Oscar touched every inch of skin he could reach until his fingers settled between her legs once more. He rubbed her with practiced movements while he thrust into her, steadily losing the pace he had built up.

Mari’s orgasm crashed over her like a wave. She cried out, almost worried that the neighbors would hear, but not caring enough to do anything about it. Her legs shook and her back arched off the bed, her nails raked down Oscar’s arms.

“Shit, Mari,” he warned, and the sound that Mari made in response tipped him over the edge as he reached his climax, spilling into her.

Once he’d come down, he looked at her and brushed a stray curl from her face.

“How do you feel?” he asked, soft and tender, almost like he was afraid she wasn't okay. His eyes searched her face for an answer before she spoke.

Mari met his gaze and felt her face burn. “I feel good, really good,”

He smiled and kissed her gently. She could still feel him inside her; it was a strange feeling, stranger still when he pulled out. She felt disconnected, like the intimacy between them was gone, and the curtain pulled back to expose the reality that they were still no more than friends. But that was her idea; she had no right to feel so hurt about it. This was what she wanted, what she asked for, and he had been perfect.

Oscar took some time to clean her up with an old t-shirt that was draped over a chair by the bookshelf (full of books that Mari wanted to ask about, but felt that wasn’t the time), before he went to his dresser and handed her a large tee. She felt a funny sense of deja vu - the last time he did that was right before he rejected her advances, and now, here they were.

“Thank you,” she said as she slipped it over her head.

He nodded and grabbed a half-smoked cigar from the ashtray atop the dresser. He had already put it between his lips and had started to light it when he spoke.

“The bathroom's across the hall,” he said, and then, “you should probably go,”

Mari felt like a bucket of ice had been poured over her as the words hit.

 _Only friends. Just sex_. She reminded herself.

“Okay, yeah, uh, I should get home,” she agreed, trying to act cool as she sat up in the bed and scanned the room to find her clothes, “everyone is probably wondering where I am,”

Spooky laughed, a happy, amused chuckle. Setting himself down on the side of the bed, he pulled her to him. She hit his solid shoulder with a soft thud and a small “oof”.

Finger hooked under her chin, he tilted her face to look at him and scooped down to capture her lips in a languid kiss. It was different from all the others they had shared that night, somehow. It wasn’t as hasty, as needy, as desperate. It was slow, all plump lips and warm tongues, like a beautiful dance instead of the battle it had been. She liked it, but Mari couldn’t help but notice; this kiss didn’t feel like a one-last-time.

“Mariana,” he breathed her name as he broke the kiss, “I meant you should go to the bathroom, not leave. Stay, tonight,”

So that’s what she did. She ran to the bathroom and rushed back to him, not wanting to waste any of the time she had convinced him to allow her. That night, as she lay in his arms, she felt warm and safe and so very not alone. She couldn’t help but hope that, only for this perfect night, the nightmares wouldn’t come.


	6. Chaper Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

That night, the nightmares were more like bad dreams that Mari barely remembered when she woke at two a.m.. Hair stuck to her face by a thin layer of sweat, short of breath and mouth dry. Upon instinct, she reached out toward the bedside table where her glass of water always sat. It wasn’t until she closed her fist around thin air that she remembered her surroundings - this was Oscar’s bed. Oscar’s house. Oscar’s leg thrown over her own, his arm that felt heavy across her torso.

Slowly, careful not to wake the man sleeping beside her (though judging by his snoring, he wouldn’t be waking any time soon), she made her way out of bed. In only Oscar’s oversized tee, she padded through the dark house to the kitchen. Hands out to find a light switch, she collided with something solid. Before she had the chance to wonder what it was, the light flickered on, and she was face to face with Cesar.

Mari froze.

Shit.

If Cesar knew, then Ruby would eventually find out. This was supposed to be a secret and they couldn’t even last 24 hours.

Cesar looked just as shocked, but he composed himself a lot quicker.

“I saw nothing,” he said, throwing his hands in the air in surrender. She gave him a grateful smile in return.

He turned to leave but Mari felt she should say something. Oscar said he was a good kid, and even Ruby and Jamal had said that he didn’t seem like himself that day. Even tonight, for just a second, Mari got a glimpse behind the facade. He was lost. She couldn’t punish him for that; she was lost herself.

“Ruby misses you,” she said. The teen froze and turned back to her.

“He talks about me?” He asked, voice shaky and laced with a hopefulness that broke Mari’s heart.

“He’s been telling me all these stories,” she explained, “you were one of his best friends for years. It’s hard not to talk about you, as much as he may want to avoid it,”

Cesar nodded with a frown, avoiding Mari’s eyes. The boy looked like he was about to cry.

“Hey, I’m sorry,” he said, suddenly facing her. “For the shit I said. It wasn’t cool, and I’m not usually like that, I just…I don’t know,”

He needed to talk, that much was obvious, and Mari felt bad for him. She knew what it was like to feel as though you have to wear a mask to fit in. This boy before her…he didn’t look like a kid who wanted to be in a gang. Why didn’t Oscar see that?

“You know what? Sit,” Mari said, pointing toward the round kitchen table. “Where are your glasses and cutlery?”

“Far-left cabinet, top drawer,” he answered, pulling up a chair.

Mari filled a glass with water and offered one to Cesar, who shook his head no. Juggling a glass of water and two forks in one hand, Mari used the other to grab the cake that Spooky had made. Maybe a bit stale after sitting there for most of the night, Mari didn’t want it to go to waste. Besides, she reasoned, alcohol aside, what better than sugar to help someone open up?

“Spooky spent all day making that cake, you know. Getting it perfect,” Cesar said. Mari took a seat across from him and handed over a fork.

Knowing he had worked so hard, spent so much time on her, filled Mari with warmth.

“Where did he learn to cook so well?”

“I dunno, I guess when I was growing up he had to cook for me a lot when mom wasn’t there. Suppose he just picked it up,” he said, before adding, “he really likes you,”

Mari’s lips twitched into a sort of half-smile. Sure, she had recently learned about Oscar’s feelings for her, but it was nice to hear confirmation from Cesar, too.

“I really like him too,” she said. “I just don’t know how I would really fit into his life,”

It was only a half-lie. She liked things with Oscar how they were, but she wanted more. She wanted to kiss him more and hold his hand, and she definitely wanted to repeat tonight, but she had to think of the bigger picture. Spooky _is_ in a gang - more than that, he's their leader. He said that his life wasn’t safe and he was right; what would Mari do if the Prophet$ rolled up on her? What if something happened to Oscar? She had to keep telling herself these things otherwise, knowing what she knows now, and having had this night with Oscar, she would never get over him.

“You’d be good for him. A girlfriend might actually help him unclench a little,” Cesar said, interrupting her thoughts and bringing her back to Earth. “He’s a good guy, Mari. A bit of a dick, especially around the cholos, and he has some temper issues, but that’s because he cares a lot. He has a good heart. And he means well. So, don’t let his tough-guy act scare you off,”

“Yeah,” Mari said. How does she respond to that when she knows Spooky has already made his feelings clear? “Enough about me and Spooky. Onto you; why did you say that shit? Because it made me feel like crap, and it’s caused this shit with Ruby. Now you’re apologizing to me, which I appreciate, but wouldn’t it be better to, like, mend your life-long friendship first? I don’t get it, Cesar,”

Cesar sighed.

“When I said that to you I was just trying to show off in front of the cholos. Spooky only just got out and I was new to the gang. I have Spooky’s reputation to live up to, y’know? Lil’ Spooky and all. What I said about Monse…” He met her eyes with a serious expression, “whatever I say tonight, you can’t tell _anyone_ ,”

“Hey," Mari said, with a flourish of her hand, gesturing to herself and her minimal clothing. "Clearly, whatever we learn tonight stays between us,”

Cesar nodded. “What I said about Monse was true. We hooked up before she left for camp and we agreed to keep it on the DL. But then Oscar was saying that stuff, and I had to keep him away from her, so I claimed her,”

“Wait, _claimed her_? What does that even mean?” Mari asked, shoveling a forkful of cake in her mouth, leaning forward intently.

She had never heard the term before and, though it sounded mildly derogatory, she was curious to know as much about Spooky’s world as she could. Maybe, she thought, if she knew more she would understand why he wouldn’t be with her. Or, she could convince him otherwise.

“It means like,” he was struggling to find the words while not offending her, before deciding; fuck it. Nothing leaves this room anyway, “when you smash a girl, she’s yours; none of the other cholos can touch her or make a move. So, I claimed her,”

“That’s kinda disgusting,” she said, “but I get it. You were protecting your friend in your strange, Santo way. She’s gonna find out what happened sooner or later, and if you guys did say to keep it on the down-low, she’s going to be pissed. Have you thought about telling her?”

Cesar shook his head. “I can’t, it’ll ruin her summer camp and I don’t...I don’t want her around this life,”

“Isn’t it better to hear it from you than Ruby? Or some Santo on the street? You should tell her,”

“Why don’t you tell Spooky how you feel?” He challenged, avoiding the topic.

“I did,” Mari snapped; if he was going to fight, she could too. Maybe it was his tone. Maybe it was the simple fact that her feelings were still an open, gaping wound, but something struck a nerve. She took a breath to calm herself. “I told him how I felt and all I got was this one night stand,”

There was a pause, and then; “isn’t that the title of a Fall Out Boy song?”

Mari chuckled, grateful for the ease of tension. The cake was mostly gone at this point, and it was getting earlier, which meant she would have to leave in a couple of hours. She wanted to spend those hours back in Spooky’s arms.

“We should get to bed," Mari said. "I have to leave once it’s light out. Geny is going to kill me for leaving my own party. Shit, how are we gonna explain to Spooky that the cake is gone?”

“I’ll think of something,” Cesar said with a shrug.

“Thank you,”

“No, thank you. It was good to have someone to talk to,”

Mari smiled. Cesar was a good kid and she liked him. He just needed someone to be a good influence on his life, maybe bring Oscar down a notch when it comes to his future. If she were to stick around, she would happily be that person. Whoever Oscar did choose to bring into his life, Mari hoped she appreciates Cesar too.

They said their goodnights and Mari made her way back to Oscar’s waiting arms. She set the glass of water down on the bedside table as quiet as possible and reclaimed her place in the sheets. The moment she was under the covers, his thick arms snaked around her.

“I thought you left,” Spooky’s deep voice murmured in her ear.

A pang of disappointment hit Mari, right in the gut, as it occurred to her that if she had left, he was going to let her. So this really was it, a one night stand.

“Just getting water,” she said.

“I thought I heard talking,” he said. Before Mari could say anything else, he had already fallen back asleep. Closing her eyes and curling into him, she let sleep take over her.

The second time Mari woke up, it was because her stomach hurt. She heard it growl and felt it churn as she tried to hang onto sleep. Admitting defeat after a few minutes, she looked up at the window, a shred of sunlight filtering in past the curtains.

It was only a few hours later, right as the sun was pulling into the sky. About five a.m., if she were to guess, but there was no way for her to check since she had left her phone at Ruben’s last night.

Knowing she was in for it when she got back, she tried to prepare herself as she put on her dress and slid on her shoes. Spooky was still dead to the world. Mari didn’t bother waking him as she crept through his bedroom and out the front door.

Freeridge looked different during these hours. A gentle glow had settled over the neighborhood and everything was silent. There were no Santos coming onto her, no Prophet$ rolling up on her. No kids screaming as they played in their front yard, or couples screaming as they fought behind closed doors where they thought no one would hear. In these hours, Mari thought Freeridge was beautiful. She only wished her stomach would settle long enough for her to enjoy it.

The cool, fresh summer air helped the nausea a little, but drowsiness was creeping up and she felt like she was going to vomit at any moment as she approached the Martinez home. Wanting to avoid any conflict, or general human interaction, she tried the front door but it was locked. Of course, it was locked - no sane person in Freeridge would leave their door open. She wondered absently if they’d let her get a key as she knocked hesitantly.

The silence that followed was deafening. A lifetime passed before the door swung open.

It was Geny that opened the door. Her dark hair mussed from sleep, though Mari didn’t think she got a lot of it, based on the dark circles under her eyes. The look on her face was one of worry and it instantly aged her. Mari felt bad. She wanted to apologize, but she also felt like she might throw up and desperately needed to get to the bathroom.

Geny flung her arms around Mari in a tight hug.

“We were so worried about you! You weren’t answering your phone and Ruben almost called in sick from work to go looking for you!” Her voice was shrill and Mari could tell she had been genuinely concerned. It felt nice, finally knowing where she stood with Geny, finally feeling accepted. Then, Geny broke the hug and her face turned to anger. “How _dare_ you run off like that?! And from your own party! You better have a good reason, young lady!”

Mari’s stomach lurched and Geny’s yelling made her head pound.

“Geny, I’m sorry,” she mumbled, dizziness setting in, “I don’t feel well, I can’t do this now,”

Geny bellowed an incredulous laugh and said, “oh, we are talking about this now, I-”

Mari didn’t let her finish, as she ran inside, straight for the bathroom, and vomited ungracefully into the toilet. Geny stopped questioning her for now, with the promise that it wasn’t over.

About an hour later, when she could finally go at least twenty minutes without throwing up, Geny drove her to the doctor. The appointment put a dent in her savings, at the price of $80 for a consultation alone - any medication was extra, and Mari made a mental note that whatever this was would pass and she could stick it out.

The doctor she saw was a short lady with a _can I speak to your manager_ haircut and a face like she just ate a lemon. She didn’t give Mari much of a chance to talk about her symptoms, choosing instead to ask curt questions and make judgemental noises.

“Have you eaten anything strange?” She had asked.

“Really, really old chicken,” Mari answered, ashamed.

“Ugh,” she added a note on the computer. “Are you sexually active?”

Was she? Is she considered 'sexually active' now? Did she have a sex life? She supposed, for all intents and purposes, she did.

“Yes,”

“Hm. Contraception?”

“The pill,” she said, then remembering she had nearly run out of her stash, added, “which I actually need a new prescription for,”

“Mhm. Last time having unprotected intercourse?”

“Uh, last night,” she said. Was this doctor suggesting she was pregnant? It was a ridiculous notion; she’d been on the pill for over a month now, not to mention she and Spooky had only had sex the night before. She was no expert, but she was almost positive that it didn’t quite work like that, and this doctor just wanted something to gossip about.

The doctor had decided, after all of that, it was most likely a small bout of food poisoning and would be over in a day or so. Mari thanked her, mostly for nothing, though she did write up a new prescription for birth control, and left. She would go to the pharmacy later (if Geny and Ruben let her out of their sight) because she sure as hell wasn’t about to buy contraception with Geny. She wasn’t ready for that talk.

 

. : ♱ : .

 

The doctor was right; the sickness passed in just a few days.

Two days that Mari wasn’t able to work and make back the $130 she had to fork out on medical expenses. Two days that she didn’t hear from Oscar and, out of pride (and maybe a little humiliation), she made no effort to contact him either.

She tried to put it out of her mind as she worked, tried to forget about how it felt to be with Spooky and how bad she wanted it again. It was hard not to think about though. Especially when the day was passing so slow and there had been only a handful of customers. That was pretty common for this small corner store, but usually, Mari would be texting Oscar, or stalking Cesar’s Instagram to pass the time. Right now, even looking at Spooky made her hurt.

She restocked the shelves, helped herself to a can of soda from the fridge and was flipping through a trashy teen magazine for her horoscope when the doorbell buzzed. Happy to have something to do, even if it was just for a few minutes, she set the magazine aside and stood at attention with a smile.

A boy walked in. He looked about her age, with blond hair that looked like it came straight from a bottle and sat in a mess atop his head. There was a swagger in his walk as he headed toward her, like he knew exactly what he wanted and how to get it, but the shy smile on his face betrayed that confident air.

“Hey,” he greeted casually as he approached her, a crooked smile on his face. Within a second, he straightened up, lost the smile and tried again, “I mean; hello,”

Amused, Mari humored him with a giggle and a smile and said, “hello. How can I help you today?”

“Oh, right,” he said, pulling his backpack off his shoulder and rummaging through it, “shit - oh, _shit_! Damn it - sorry!”

Finally finding what he wanted, he pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of the backpack. He glanced at the paper and then back at Mari. His posture slumped again and he scratched the back of his neck sheepishly.

“I’m sorry, for my language and everything,” he said. When he handed the paper to Mari she saw it was a resume with so little experience listed it was kinda sad. “My family is moving here so I’m trying to get in early and get a job. I was so not prepared and, to be honest, I wasn’t expecting someone…like you,”

Mari raised an eyebrow. Like her?

“So are you ageist, sexist or just racist?” She asked, immediately jumping into defense mode and ready for a fight.

The boy’s face contorted into shock.

“Oh, no! No!” His white face turned beet red. “I just meant that you’re really pretty. It’s intimidating,”

A beat passed and Mari broke into a smile. She liked the feeling of him calling her pretty. It was a nice change of pace from the usual catcalls, and the hot and cold with Oscar. Pretty. It was simple, sweet.

“Oh, well, thank you,” she glanced down at the crumpled resume in her hand, “Trey. Let me check with the boss if we’re hiring,”

She headed to the back toward the office - a room the size of a shoe-box with a single landline. The Boss, it turned out, was never actually here. He was some businessman that lived in a place called Brentwood, and had acquired the store in a business deal. It wasn't worth anything to be sold, and it would cost more to liquidate then it was worth. He didn’t put a lot of effort in, and would never degrade himself to come in person. Instead, he had a direct line to his work mobile set up in case of emergencies. So Mari called him and although he wasn’t happy to be reminded of this bad investment, he agreed to hire the boy, Trey, even if just to get her off the phone.

When she returned to the front, she asked Trey, “when can you start?”

“We’re officially moved in next week,” he said with an excited smile. Mari couldn’t help but notice he didn’t have dimples, like Oscar does when he smiles at her. They arranged a time for him to come in for a training shift once his family was settled in. He looked eager to work and he gave her a wave and a goofy smile as he left.

Call her conceited, but she liked how much he liked her. It made her feel confident and beautiful that he was so unashamed, so easy to read about his attraction. That was what she needed, what she wanted from Oscar.

Spooky, though he made her feel gorgeous in the dead of night when no one was around, couldn’t seem to want her like that. Everything with him was so intense - he had feelings but they had to be a secret, they hook up but it had to be a secret. That night was amazing, she thought nothing could be more perfect. But things look different in the dark, and now, in the light of day, what happened between them felt like nothing more than a dirty secret.

Of course, she took some of the blame. He told her how he felt and she pushed. If she said she wasn’t expecting him to fight for her after that, she would be lying. She felt naive and she hated it. She didn’t want to feel like a child, and she didn’t want this dead air to hang between her and Oscar. All she wanted was someone to care for her, to keep her out, in the light.

She decided to close up early that day. She was exhausted and far too lost in her thoughts to deal with the four customers that had come by. Plus, she had to stop by the pharmacy on the way home before it closed.

That alone seemed like too big of a chore, but she managed to drag herself to the nearest pharmacy. She handed in her prescription and waited as they got it ready, walking aimlessly down the aisles, snickering at off-brands that were far too on the nose.

Something caught her eye as she passed through the feminine hygiene aisle. It was stupid, she knew it, but that doctor had gotten inside her head, tore it open, and picked at her biggest fears. Paranoid that all her worst nightmares were coming true, and unable to talk herself out of it fast enough, she grabbed a cheap, at-home pregnancy test just as they called her name.

She paid for the test and the prescription and then she used her phone to find the nearest public toilets. Her phone was so slow and froze so often that it would’ve been faster to go home, but speed wasn’t her concern. She didn’t want Geny and Ruben to find out that she had sex. She didn't want them to make any assumptions about her situation. That drama was the last thing she needed.

Instead, she found a dirty public toilet, got comfy in a cubicle that was far too narrow and peed on a stick. Her heart pounded as her five-minute timer ticked down. She read and reread the instructions. Two lines, pregnant. One line, not pregnant.

Her phone started buzzing and she checked the stick. No result. Looking at her phone to extend the timer, she saw it wasn’t the timer making her phone go off - she was getting a call from an unknown number. The phone may not have recognized the number, but Mari sure did. It belonged to her mother’s boyfriend. The man that supplied her mother with enough drugs to keep her happy and complicit. The man who ruined Mari’s life.

She couldn’t deal with this right now. She felt sick again, hoping it was still food poisoning. She terminated the call and tried to distract herself with the instructions again. Two lines, pregnant. One line, not pregnant.

Finally, the timer went off. Mari took a deep breath and looked at the stick.

One line.


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

Ruben and Geny didn’t want to punish Mari when she was sick, but the moment she was feeling better, she had been grounded. Geny had even considered putting bars on the bathroom window but was talked out of it by Ruby.

Her phone was confiscated (not that it really mattered, it’d been stuck reloading for almost a full day now). Mari had never been grounded before, since there was never anyone to care what she did, so she wasn’t happy. She said as much with a proclamation of “my mom never grounded me!”. Geny countered her argument by pointing out that abusive parenting isn’t a great point of reference. Mari knew she was right, but she had never had rules to follow. It was strange, just knowing someone cared where she was. It made her feel loved, but it made her feel suffocated.

She only got in more trouble for arguing back. Ruben was shooting her a pleading look of “please stop” and Geny sent her to her room.

Letting her head fall into her hands, she had started to sulk. Not wanting to see her feeling sorry for herself, Geny closed the door as she walked past. Mari was being treated the same as any of their other children would be, Geny told herself.

Mari looked up just soon enough to see Geny’s face behind the door as it clicked shut. That’s when the panic set in.

Suddenly, she couldn’t breathe. When she tried it was as though her mouth was filled with dust. Her heart was beating too fast and she could feel it too hard against her ribcage. The room was starting to warp, the walls closing in too quickly for her to escape. Eyes stinging with tears, she leaped across the room to the door and banged until it opened.

Ruben was there in an instant, Geny in tow, asking what was wrong and telling her it wasn’t locked. Mari broke down and fell into Ruben’s arms. They led her to their bedroom after she admitted, embarrassed, that she couldn’t be in her room for a few minutes. They sat her down on the bed. Surrounded by love and support, with Geny on one side and Ruben on the other, Mari spoke for the first time about some of the abuse she suffered at the hands of her mother, and later, her mother’s boyfriend.

By the end she was crying in that way that made her chest heave with harsh sobs, her eyes burn and her nose run. Tired and sore, she felt weak. And then, Geny and Ruben wrapped their arms around her and reminded her how strong she really was.

She was still grounded, though they did their best to be respectful of her past. Boundaries were set. They had all come to some sort of understanding, and it was like a small part of the weight she carried around lifted.

 

. : ♱ : .

 

Close to the end of summer, her grounding was over and with it, so was Mario's avoiding her.

Mari was sitting in the living room, curled up on one end of the couch with a book in her hand. The space on the sofa beside her dipped as Mario occupied the space beside her.

“Hello,” she said gingerly, closing the book and sitting up.

“Hey,” he said with a smile, and then, “you’re coming with me to a party,”

The way he said it made it clear to her that she wasn't getting a choice. She couldn't help but ask why, after all this time, he wanted to spend time with her now?

Mario apologized, explaining how hurt he was when he found out his parents had broken up. He blamed himself for their split, and he took it out on her. Add to that Angelica dumping him at the beginning of summer, well, he didn't handle it all well. Now that he was leaving for college in a few days, he didn't want to leave on a bad note. This was his olive branch.

Mari's head was spinning with too many thoughts; happy he was finally speaking to her, hurt that he had been mad because she was born. Yet, despite all the questions she had, she could only say one thing, “Angelica dumped you? Haven’t you been hanging out with her all summer?”

Mario shrugged bashfully, the tips of his ears turning pink.

“I may have lied,” he admitted, “I wanted an excuse to avoid you. That, and I didn’t want you to know your big brother got ditched before going to college,”

Her heart warmed when he referred to himself as her big brother. She felt safe and, for once, like she could let her guard down.

Mari caved easily, and a few hours later they were chatting, happy and easy, as they walked to the party. The closer they were, the harder Mari tried to ignore the way her stomach was sinking deeper and deeper. She was beginning to think she was cursed. Were the gods punishing her for running away? How did she always get herself into these situations?

Arriving at the party, Mari immediately regretted coming. She should’ve asked Mario exactly where they were going, because she sure as hell didn’t expect to turn up back at Spooky’s house.

It was instinctual, the way her eyes immediately searched for Oscar. She spotted the Santos cross on his neck first. Then his dimples, as he smiled at something another cholo was saying, and finally she landed on his eyes. She loved his eyes. The feeling of happiness she got when she saw him smile - lips spread across perfect teeth, pronounced dimples and eyes crinkling at the sides - was so strong she thought it might knock her over. That man completely took the wind out of her.

“Spooky!” Mario called, far before Mari was ready.

She tucked a black curl behind her ear and brushed at imaginary lint. Now, she wished she had dressed nicer, her high-waisted shorts and mustard-yellow crop no longer cutting it. She thought she had looked nice when they left. Hot, in a casual way; good enough for a house party with Mario’s friends, as there was no one she was trying to impress. But now, standing before the first boy she’s had real feelings for, the guy she gave her heart and body to, she wished she'd at least had the decency to throw on a pair of the cheap false lashes she had saved for special occasions.

Her pulse quickened as Spooky turned, spotted Mario and smiled. Mari hadn’t seen him this happy and carefree and it warmed something deep within her soul. Watching as they went in for a bro-hug, her palms started to get clammy. She knew he would see her any second now and she would have to face him. She would have to remember; every kiss, every touch, every whispered sweet nothing. She would have to remember how she left without a word and how she avoided him, yet yearned for him to call. She would have to look at those breathtaking brown eyes and remember every detail. And then, she would have to pretend she didn’t remember a thing.

It became clear to her, as Spooky met her gaze, that if Mario had said he was bringing someone, he didn’t say who. Oscar, for a fleeting second, looked like a deer caught in headlights. His smile vanished and his jaw dropped just the slightest. Forgetting himself for a moment, he dragged his eyes over her body, taking in her smooth thighs and the curve of her hips.

“You know my sister already, right?” Mario said, oblivious to the thoughts running through his friend’s head.

Oscar immediately became aware of his surroundings, nonchalance painting his face. He nodded.

“Good to see you,” he said. There was a layer of truth to his words that only Mari could decipher.

“You too,” she said, trying to keep her head up despite how much she wanted to hide. In a desperate bid to remove herself from this situation, and Spooky’s thrall, she added, “Mario, let’s get a drink,”

He agreed with a nod and told Spooky they were heading out back. The Santo said he’d see them soon and watched as they left, letting his eyes linger on his friend’s sister a little too long.

“I didn’t know you knew Spooky,” Mari said as they made their way through the house. She hoped she came across as unbothered and casual as Spooky had been.

“Oh yeah,” Mario said, “we met a few years back. It’s hard to avoid becoming friends when our siblings are so close, y’know? He’s actually really cool,”

They maneuvered through the throng of Santos and hynas that crowded the small house. Mari didn’t miss the way a few girls stared down Mario with hungry eyes. She definitely wasn’t oblivious to the gazes from men who wanted to devour her, either. She breathed in the air, tainted by a thick layer of smoke, as they stepped outside and headed toward the drinks.

Mario handed her a beer and she didn’t have the heart to tell him she hated the taste.

“Did you ever consider becoming a Santo?” she asked. She knew how much the gang meant to Spooky, and how easy it was to be pulled in by his words and magnetic enthusiasm.

Mario nodded and took a swig.

“I did,” he said, “I prospected right before I finished high school. I mean I’m like, book-smart but I can be a bit...stupid. I know that. I thought, ‘man, how am I going to survive college on my own?’. I thought I couldn’t, so Spooky took me under his wing. I wasn’t cut out for it though and I think he knew that. Actually, I think he was hard on me on purpose, to make me realise that college was going to be way better for me. But he’d never say that. So, I left before I got jumped in. Stayed in school, stayed friends with Spooky, and here I am. Leaving for college soon,”

And then, Mario's eyes glossed over, as though everything just sort of hit him at once. He was leaving Freeridge, his family and friends, the place he had grown up. His girlfriend he had known since high school broke up with him. He has a little sister he knew nothing about. Overwhelmed, he chugged the last of his beer.

“Whoa, slow down,” Mari said with slight concern, masked by a weak chuckle.

Mario nodded and poured himself three shots, all in a row, “I’m fine, yeah, I’m uh, I’m fine,”

He wasn’t fine, Mari knew that. He would be, but right now his life was changing.

So Mari would give him the best night. They took shots and stole a joint from someone who had left it lit and sitting in an ashtray. They got high and danced until their feet hurt, and then they sat on the couch and talked about their dreams - dreams that would eventually be crushed by their expectations of the future.

Mari confessed that she had never felt as loved as she did with the Martinez family. She thanked Mario and hugged him, telling him that, no matter what, his family would always be here for him.

Mario confessed that he wasn’t over Angelica. He wasn’t even close.

He cried, a little bit, as he recounted how they met and immediately fell in love. And then she, apparently, fell out of it. She had said it was because he was going to college and she wasn’t, but he could tell from the unsympathetic way she had broken his heart that she simply didn’t care anymore. Mari was sure that wasn’t the case, you don’t just wake up and stop loving someone after all, but she could tell that wasn’t the sort of comforting he needed.

He cried that he needed to get over her. Mari pointed out a dark-skinned brunette he had been dancing with earlier.

Mario took another shot before he marched over with confidence. Mari watched as they talked for a minute. Her hand fell on Mario’s arm and he leaned into her, before disappearing back into the house.

Heaving a sigh, Mari looked around. She was happy for Mario, he really needed tonight, but here she was at Oscar’s house, once again, all alone.

She saw Spooky across the yard, cigar hanging between his teeth and a girl hanging off both arm, and her heart leaped into her throat. Jealousy clawed at her.

Oscar was watching her with an intensity that made her insides burn as if she were his. (Which she was; if only he would ask.) His gaze made her want him alone, even if only to talk. She just wanted a few minutes with _Oscar_.

She held his eyes for a few moments. One of the girls tried to get his attention and all he did was shrug her off of him. Mari felt a swell of pride.

The way he made her feel like the prettiest girl in the world, even from the other side of the room, went to her head. With a rush of longing, Mari pulled her phone from her back pocket and sent him a message.

**Meet me @ your room in 5**

He was quick to follow her. Definitely less than five minutes. He paid no mind to the other women as he left them, his focus was on Mari. He didn’t know what she wanted but he didn’t care, he was happy to see her - happy she was talking to him.

When he found her waiting, she was standing by his dresser holding the one photo he kept around, the one of him and Cesar. She was smiling, so engrossed in her thoughts she didn’t notice him enter the room. Oscar didn’t mind, he liked seeing her like this; so casual and unguarded in his space.

He closed the door, softly so as not to scare her.

“You’re pretty comfortable in my room,” he said, gaining her attention.

She set the photo back in its place and turned to him with a teasing smile. “I have some fond memories here,”

He smiled right back, that dimpled smile that she loves, brown eyes twinkling. He waved his phone at her.

“You could’ve come and spoken to me,”

Her smile lost a hint of its bliss and she gave a halfhearted shrug. “You had your hands full,”

Her jealousy was poorly concealed, if at all, and the sentence hung in the air between them.

Oscar broke the silence.

“You were gone when I woke up,” he said. There was more that went unspoken, a silent question of _what was I supposed to do_?

She didn’t comment on what he didn’t say, only offered a poor excuse. “I had to get back home, I was in a lot of trouble,”

“You didn’t hit me up,”

There wasn’t a beat before she hit back. “Neither did you,”

“I didn’t think you wanted me to,”

Mari could barely contain her eye roll. Oscar was smarter than this, and it’s not like she had been secretive about her feelings. At this point, she was starting to think he was only stringing her along.

“Of course I wanted you to!” She was getting worked up, about to unleash it all on him, when she was interrupted by her phone ringing. She glanced at the unknown number and groaned, shoulders slumping in disappointment.

“Who is it?” Oscar asked, eyebrow raised in curiosity.

Mari sat on the bed and let her phone drop beside her.

“My mom. I blocked her number and now she’s been calling me on all these burner phones. It won’t stop, Oscar,”

He took a seat on the bed beside her and wrapped one arm around her waist.

“Maybe you should answer it,” he offered.

Mari shook her head. “I don’t know what she wants, but it’s not going to be good,”

“Mari, she’s your mother,” he reasoned, voice deep and comforting in a way that Mari didn’t particularly want right now, “you know, if it was my mom-”

“It’s _not_ your mom!” Mari snapped, her eyes shooting daggers. “And I raised myself! I’m better off without her,”

Despite her fury, Oscar wasn’t fazed. He grabbed the ringing phone from where it sat on the bed and handed it to her, scooting closer.

“Then call it closure,” he said, using her own words against her.

With a heavy sigh and a heart full of reluctance, she answered the call.

“What do you want, mom?”

“ _Where did you go_?” The voice on the other line, the one that’s haunted so many of Mari’s worst dreams, asked.

“Why does it matter? I’m looking after myself, like I always have,”

“ _Well, you need to come home, right now_!”

“I am home,”

“ _Oh don’t give me that bullshit, Mariana! The power’s been out for days, the water is cold and I don’t know any of the account numbers for the bills! Come home and get this shit sorted out,_ ”

"Wherever I’m safe is home to me, and that definitely isn’t with you,”

“ _Don’t you think you’ve played this game long enough_?” Her voice was getting deeper, closer to a growl, and though Mari would never admit it, fear shot up her spine. “ _You take all our money and get on a bus to God-knows-where. You’ve been gone for over a month_ ,”

“Like you care what happens to me. You just need someone to make sure your bills are paid and the gas stays on because you’re too fucked up to take care of yourself, let alone me!”

“ _Come, home. Now_.”

Every word, every syllable made Mari recoil into herself, into the scared little girl she had been for the past seven years, ever since her mom started using - or at least stopped trying to hide it. It only got worse when she brought her dealer home. Things had been bad before, but they’d never been worse than when he was around. Before that, things weren’t great, barely even good, but she could manage. Ever since he came into the picture, she couldn’t deal, she wasn’t safe.

She had to push past the fear and speak up for herself. She had to remember that she was here and her mother was there. Here, she couldn’t be hurt. She couldn’t be starved, she couldn’t be locked in a room and she couldn’t have wine bottles thrown at her because she didn’t earn enough to pay the water bill that month. She had to remember, and the feeling of Spooky’s warm hand squeezing hers helped her do that.

“Is he still with you?” Silence followed and that was answer enough. “As long as he’s there, that’s not home and I’m _not_ coming back,”

She ended the call and dropped the phone in her lap. Her lip quivered and she sucked in a sharp breath, biting her lip to stop the tears. Oscar pulled her into him. Head resting on his shoulder, breathing him in. A stray tear escaped and she wiped it away, but Oscar pressed his lips to her forehead in a comforting kiss and the tears started.

“Hey, mami,” Spooky said, cupping her face and tilting her head up to meet his eyes, “you’re alright here. You got me, you’re safe, and I’m proud of you for doing that, yeah? You know that,”

Mari nodded, holding his gaze. Her eyes flickered to his lips. Maybe she wasn’t in the right state of mind right now, but his hands were so warm and he was making her feel almost okay. He intoxicated her, always had, and she needed to feel something good right now. Winding her arms around his neck, she kissed him.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

Oscar kissed back with fervor; hands on her hips, lips devouring hers. He ran his tongue across her glossy lower lip, savoring the taste of cherry as allowed him entrance. She ran her hand upward of his neck to his head, the fuzz of his short hair tickling her palm. Moaning into his mouth she pressed her body closer and that was Oscar’s cue to break the kiss.

“I thought we said closure. No feelings?” he was short of breath from the kiss, voice low with lust.

There was a hitch in his voice when he mentioned feelings that let Mari know he wasn’t over his own. She wasn’t over hers either, but she wasn’t about to tell him that.

“This isn’t about feelings, I just...I need a distraction,”

With a small smirk, Oscar ran his palms up her top, further and further until he was pulling it off over her head.

“I can do that,”

He brought his head down to her chest, pressing kisses to her collarbone, her sternum and the soft skin of her breasts that spilled over her bra. Once again, she was ill-prepared - plain cotton bra and panties. Oscar didn't seem to mind, as he pulled the cups down to expose her chest to him. He took one of the small brown nubs into his mouth, sucking and teasing as he took the other in his hand.

Mari gasped in pleasure, feeling the heat pooling in her lower stomach and the wetness pooling in her panties. She didn’t want this to stop. She didn’t want to leave at the end of the night, but then she remembered real life.

“Shit,” she hissed and threw her head back, “Mario’s going to be looking for me soon. We have to make this quick,”

Spooky’s mouth left her and she whined at the loss. His hand found her hair and he grabbed it in his fist as he tugged her in for another messy kiss.

“Take off your shorts and turn around. Get on all fours,” he whispered against her lips. Quick to obey, Mari threw her shorts off the side of the bed, where her top was earlier discarded.

She turned away from Spooky as he was pulling his wife-beater. Her heart was pounding as she sat on her knees and leaned forward, resting her forearms on the bed. Nervous and far too exposed, but excited. She heard thick fabric fall to the floor, followed by the sound of Spooky pumping himself a few times before he found his place on the bed behind her.

Large hands gripped the back of her thighs and he spread her legs wider. She felt his tip rubbing gently at her entrance. She let out a mewl. Her body was trembling in anticipation, only finding relief when he started to push himself inside. Oscar let out a wanting growl as his length fully sheathed inside her tight heat.

“You good, baby?” He asked before moving any further. Mari could hear the pleasure and concern battling in his voice.

Nodding, she wanted this more than anything. It was almost all she could think about since it last happened. She knew that the pure bliss she was about to feel would overpower any pain.

Clutching tight at her hips to keep himself at a steady pace, he started to thrust. Slow and sure at first, as Mari’s moans grew louder and needier his thrusts grew faster until he was pounding her relentlessly.

She threw her head back with a cry, hair spreading across her back in a disarray of messy curls. Oscar set a hand on her lower back, pressing down to create more friction as he fucked her. His thrusts were becoming sporadic, losing their pace. She knew he was close. She came with a cry of his name and he followed soon after, her warmth clenching around his shaft and milking his orgasm until his legs were weak.

He pulled out and collapsed on the bed, pulling her down with him and enclosing her in his arms. Tired and spent, she closed her eyes and let her head rest on his chest. She knew her time with him was limited, and the clock was ticking, but she needed this - she deserved this. She let herself lay there for a few minutes, listening to his heartbeat and wondering if he knew hers was thumping just as hard.

His arms were warm and heavy around her. She felt safe here - like he was this impenetrable force standing between her and harm. As good as she felt, Mari knew it couldn’t last forever and she would have to leave the fortress soon.

“Hey,” she said, propping herself up on her elbow as she gazed up at him. He met her eyes, raising an eyebrow in that way that made him look like a curious boy, “thank you,”

He let out a loud laugh, his eyes lighting up and his lips stretching into a wide smile and he looked so happy that Mari wondered if she’d ever seen anyone more beautiful.

He shot her a cheeky smile, “you don’t need to thank me, nena,”

Mari rolled her eyes but her soft smile let him know she wasn’t annoyed.

“Not for that,” she said, “for everything. You’ve looked out for me from day one. You always seem to know what I need. You’ve never let me deal with anything alone. You’ve been so great, Oscar. I’m really lucky to have you as a friend,”

Her voice broke at the word ‘friend’, at the same time his eyes darkened. They both wanted more, but it couldn’t happen. At least, not right now. Mari knew she had to stop thinking like that - he was a Santo, for life, and that meant it couldn’t happen ever - but she also couldn’t bring herself to stop hoping for that someday.

He sighed and shifted into a sitting position. He pressed a kiss to her cheek and one more to her forehead. He wanted to kiss her lips, but he knew that would make it harder for him to let her go. Picking up his clothes from where they sat in a pile on the floor, Oscar stood from the bed and started to re-dress.

“I’ll head out first,” he said, pulling his shorts on. “You should wait a couple of minutes before leaving,"

There was a pause in the atmosphere around them as their eyes met. Last time, Mari left before he was awake to avoid this. There was so much unfinished business and at the same time, nothing more to be said. A kiss goodbye was too intimate, a hug or a wave not intimate enough. How did they leave this?

“Alright,” Oscar said with a nod, “I’ll see you around,”

They left it like that then, she supposed.

Mari waited a few minutes before she got dressed. She rubbed her hands over her face, then tangled them in her hair and tied it in a ponytail with the elastic she kept in her pocket for emergencies. Though it made her forget everything in-the-moment, she now felt more dazed and confused than ever.

The moment she left the bedroom the real world hit her - in the form of Mario.

“Oh, hey,” he grabbed her shoulders to steady her. “I was just looking for you. Did you come out of Spooky’s room? I swear I saw him come out of there a few minutes ago-oh my God! You hooked up with Spooky!”

Her eyes widened. She slapped a hand over Mario’s big mouth and looked around the room, making sure no one heard.

“Shh, Mario!” She whisper-yelled, pink creeping up on her cheeks. “No one’s supposed to know,”

“Shit! I knew something was going on!” He was beaming, more than proud of himself. “When he saw you earlier - I saw those looks! It's happened before, right?”

“Once,” she sighed, “when I snuck out of my birthday party,”

She wasn’t sure if she should say anything, but it felt good to tell someone. Sharing the weight made it somewhat more bearable.

“I had no idea you guys were so close,” he said, mostly to himself.

“It’s nothing! It’s just this; no feelings. Mario, you can’t tell anyone,”

He stared hard at her, thinking about what he had seen between them. Oscar was surprised to see her and had checked her out pretty obviously. He'd even come across slightly nervous. In all his years of knowing the Santo, Mario had never seen him even close to anything resembling nervousness.

No feelings? Bullshit. Mario wasn’t dumb and he could see what was going on, but they couldn’t so he would let them figure it out. For tonight, he would be a good friend and a good big brother.

So, with a smile and as much sincerity as he could muster, he made a promise, “Your secret’s safe with me.”

Mari smiled and he threw an arm around her. “Now, let’s get you home before mom grounds us both for life and I never get to college.”

 

. : ♱ : .

 

Geny cried as she watched Mario drive away. The whole time they were loading boxes into Mario’s car she had been holding back tears but it wasn’t until he was driving away and halfway down the street that the tears had really started. Ruben wasn’t crying, though he looked like he was about to. He was holding Geny tight, grounding her and reminding her that everything would be okay. Reminding the both of them that Mario wasn’t gone forever.

Mari smiled when she looked at them. She had never seen two people so in love and she wanted to have that one day more than anything. Someone who made her feel loved and safe and wanted, something her mother never let her feel. Maybe it was stupid to be so young and want something so permanent, but she didn’t mind being a little stupid. If only she could stop convincing herself she could have that with the one person she wanted.

The twins had hugged Mario’s legs and Mari noticed that’s what almost broke Mario’s carefree facade as his eyes brimmed with tears. He blinked them back, squeezing his eyes shut tight, and then crouched to their level to hug them each one-by-one. He then told them to “scamper, brats,” and they did, but not before they gifted him with a tissue full of their snot. A sweet gesture, Mario thought, but that didn’t stop him gagging and chucking it the moment they were out of sight.

Ruby had just said “later, bro,” and then called Jamal to come and check out his new room before heading to orientation.

Abuelita, never much for unnecessary words, only gave him a hug. At least, that’s all the Martinez family saw. According to a text that Mario had sent Mari later that day, Abuelita had also asked that he bring her back “some of that good weed,”.

Mari didn’t cry. She felt guilty because she was sad he was leaving, and, had he treated her from the start how he did yesterday, she may have been devastated right now. She loved Mario and they seemed to get along well; he could’ve been her best friend and closest confidant had he not decided to speak to her only a day before he left. Maybe she could’ve felt better by now, had less in her mind to deal with, had someone to talk out this Spooky shit with. That was no fault to Mario, by any means - Mari understood his feelings toward her and she was just happy they moved past them. Still, it kinda sucked that the person she had felt most comfortable with, in this entire family, was now gone.

Once Mario was out of sight they went back into the house. Mari made work on the dishes from breakfast so Geny didn’t have to, Jamal arrived with a wave and a “hey, Mari,” before proceeding to Ruby’s room (where they both squealed like little girls and were not subtle about jumping on the bed) and Ruben said he needed to get to work. But then, he stopped in his tracks and he cried.

Mari set the dishes aside, wiped her hands on a small towel and brought him into her arms without a second thought. Her smaller frame and spindly arms probably didn’t provide much comfort but it was everything she had to offer, and she would give it to him. More than once she had seen Ruben staying strong when he looked like he would crumble. Now that he was, Mari wanted him to know that it was okay, that he had support even if it was in the form of an eighteen-year-old girl.

With a sniffle, he smiled down at her and kissed the top of her head.

“Thank you, mija,” he said and then stepped out of the embrace with a shaky exhale, “I am going to be late for work if I don’t leave now. Be good today, I love you,”

The statement made Mari’s chest warm every time she heard it. Her mother never told her she was loved - in fact, had told her the opposite to the point that Mari was sure it was true.

Mari had just finished up the dishes and started to get herself ready to head to the store when the front door opened and a dark-skinned girl with unruly brown curls walked in as though the house was her own. Mari froze and awkwardly glanced around the room for someone who might be able to tell her just who the hell this girl is. Was she an intruder? Did she know the Martinezes?

The girl answered for her when she shot Mari a crooked but welcoming smile.

“Hey,” she greeted, stepping to Mari with a happy bound in her step, “you must be Ruby’s sister, Mari, right? I’m Monse,”

The girl, Monse, offered her hand and Mari took it without hesitation. It felt weird to be shaking hands with a fourteen-year-old girl, but she supposed it was more comfortable than a hug - a thought that Mari expected would be changed in no time. Ruby’s friends were great; so kind and welcoming that it made her feel as though she had always been there. Even Cesar, though he wasn’t on speaking terms with the rest of the squad. Mari already knew Ruby enough not to mention that.

“Yeah,” Mari replied with a smile, “I’ve heard a lot about you from Ruby and Jamal. It’s nice to finally meet you. How was writing camp?”

“It was okay,” Monse said, but the huge smile on her face gave away her nonchalance. “I missed the guys though, it’s good to be back. I feel like I’ve missed everything,”

Mari blushed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear; she was the 'everything' that Monse had missed. While Mari knew the other girl didn’t mean anything by it, she still hated knowing that, to someone, she was still news.

Monse’s smile dropped and she stammered to apologize.

“Oh, I didn’t mean-”

With a gesture of her hand, Mari waved the apology away.

“It’s cool,” she said and offered Monse a genuine smile, “I was pretty unexpected. I’m sure Ruby will fill you in. The boys are just in Ruby’s room,”

And then, as if on cue, Ruby’s voice piped up.

“Check me out, bitches!” He exclaimed, “I got my own room! My own room,”

The two girls giggled between themselves at Ruby’s excitement.

“I better go,” Monse gestured to Ruby’s new own-room, “let them know I’m back. It was nice to meet you. It might be good to have another girl around,”

“If you ever need anything, you can probably find me at the store,” Mari glanced at the clock on the wall behind Monse and added, “at work, where I’m meant to be now. Shit; I’m late, I gotta run,”

“Go,” Monse flashed an easy smile, one that made Mari feel as though they’d been friends for years, “I’ll make sure Ruby gets to orientation alive,”

Mari was out the door with a grateful “thank you”.

Her first day as someone’s manager and already she was late. Not a very good first impression, though she supposed it wasn’t exactly the _first_ impression. Trey had been adorably smitten upon meeting her, and Mari doubted tardiness was about to change that.

Kicking a dented Coca-Cola can back and forth between his feet and leaning most of his weight casually against the door, Trey was waiting for her to arrive. The bumbling, high-energy boy Mari had once met was gone, and in his place was someone looking weary beyond his years. His skin was tinted red from the sun and his otherwise soft-looking blond locks were matted with sweat, sticking out at odd angles. With a pang of guilt, Mari wondered how long he had been waiting out here in the heat.

“Hey,” Mari dipped her words in sugar, in the hopes that he wouldn’t be mad as she offered her apology. “I’m sorry I’m late; family stuff,”

It wasn’t exactly a lie: Mario leaving, Ruben crying and then Monse turning up. It’d been a busy morning. The excuse was vague and didn’t justify her being almost fifteen minutes late, Mari was banking on Trey’s infatuation to get her off the hook this once. It seemed to work as he looked up at her with a bright smile.

“It’s no biggie,” he shrugged, “I’m sorry I look like I have no sense of personal hygiene. I showered! I swear; I put on body spray and everything! I just, uh, I’m not used to this heat,”

Mari let herself laugh at his reaction. It was cute, she supposed, in a sort of childish way.

“I was exactly the same when I moved here. Come on, let’s get you out of the heat,” she offered her understanding, unlocking the store and heading straight for the standing-fan that acted as air-con.

Once inside, Trey set his backpack down behind the counter and expected her to get right to it: deactivate any security alarms, turn on the lights, set up the register, prepare for the day. Already behind schedule, there was no time to waste. What he didn’t expect was for her to turn around and lock the door once more.

“What are you doing?” He asked, glancing around the store, suddenly nervous and questioning his safety.

“Relax,” she said with a casual smile and a roll of her eyes, “follow me,”

Mari led him behind the counter, through a door labeled **STAFF ONLY** , past the ‘office’ and the bathroom and through to the stock room. It was small and crowded and filled with boxes - all but two of which were blanketed in dust. Trey figured this was where Mari spent her breaks; alone in the dark, perched atop a cardboard box. He was happily going to change that.

It took most of her strength, but Mari managed to move two of the smaller but heavier boxes aside to reveal a metal sliding door. Grabbing the handle with both hands, she used all her strength to pull the door aside. Trey’s face split into a grin and he looked at her like she hung the stars.

“Welcome to the Crystal Fortress,” Mari revealed the cool-room with a flourish of her hands, as though she were one of those game-show girls. “Come on in,”

Trey huffed a laugh but obeyed nonetheless.

“Are we even allowed to be in here?” He asked, though there was another large box in here with a curve in the top that told him this wasn’t the first time Mari hid back here.

She shrugged and closed the door behind them as the younger boy took a seat. “This place...is an anomaly. It makes just enough money to pay us and keep running, but the boss makes nothing. It’s been on the market for years, isn’t it worth anything though. Boss doesn’t really care what we do with it. In fact, I think he’d be pretty pleased if it burned down in the middle of the night. At least he’d get an insurance payout,”

Trey shook his head and leaned back against a wall, closing his eyes and relishing in the cool that immediately flooded his too-hot veins. “Something tells me Freeridge isn’t gonna be the _simple town_ mom had in mind when we moved for a fresh start,”

 _Tell me about it_ , Mari thought.

“Why’d you move?”

“Uh,” the blond boy avoided her eyes, his own darkening as he looked anywhere but at her.

Too soon. Got it.

Mari tried again, “where are you from?”

“Brentwood,” he responded with a small smile, one that told her everything she needed to know; if it were up to him, he never would’ve left.

Suddenly, Mari felt as though she were intruding on something personal; intruding on his life. Dusting off her skirt, she cleared her throat and opened the door of the cool-room. Sharing time was over, it was time to leave the fortress and rejoin the real world.

“We better get to work,”


	9. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

Mari had never been anyone’s manager before. Everything she did, she did herself and it had never occurred to her that she would ever have to teach someone things that she’d learned all on her own. This job was no different; her training, if you could call it that, was barely existent and she had taught herself almost everything. Now, she was passing on her knowledge to someone else and he was, surprisingly, doing okay.

Trey was smarter than he seemed, Mari had quickly realized. Outside of work he was a fumbling mess, tripping over his words (and sometimes just tripping) every time he tried to speak to her. During work, he was obedient and careful, listening to everything she had to say and focusing on doing it right. Mari was impressed, but she worried his head might explode if she admitted that.

But above all of that, Mari realized something else. Somewhere between safe-for-work banter and the way Trey’s gaze lingered when he thought she wasn’t looking, Mari discovered that they actually got along. She liked him - not in the same way he liked her, but maybe she could learn to.

At the same time, the thought crossed her mind, Oscar’s face flashed behind her eyelids. Mouth open in a smile, eyes crinkled at the sides. The scent of Corona and cigars filled the air. Taking in a sharp breath, Mari opened her eyes.

Maybe she could learn to like Trey, but first, she would need to unlearn Oscar.

Spooky wasn’t someone Mari could just _get over_ ; he was more than a girly crush, deeper than teenage feelings. It was in the small things; the way he smiled at her when she said something stupid, the way he let her try new recipes before he showed anyone else, the way he played music way too loud as he drove but turned it down when she was in the car because he’d rather hear her talk. It was in the way he looked at her, in the way he knew her body like no one else. It was simply Oscar and everything that went unspoken in the air between them.

Two things snapped Mari out of her thoughts. The first was the small buzz of the doorbell that announced their first customers of the day; it was just after one p.m. and there had been _no one_. Usually that meant Mari spent the day bored to death, flipping through horoscopes (and Cesar’s Instagram) and texting Oscar, but she didn’t mind today as it gave her time to show Trey the ropes (and get to know him more, but she was trying not to focus on that; her feelings were confusing enough as it is right now and she didn’t need to add a high school boy to her list of problems).

The second thing was the shrill ringing of Mari’s phone that she forgot to put on silent in her flurry this morning. Geny’s name flashed on the screen and something in Mari’s stomach churned, feeling like she just drank bad milk. Geny didn’t call for no reason.

Not sparing a glance up at the customers, or Trey, she ordered, “Trey, you can handle this one,” and took the phone into the storeroom.

“Hello? Geny?” She answered, trying to keep the panic out of her voice.

“ _Mari_!” Geny responded, not bothering to conceal her alarm. “ _Oh, honey, I’m so sorry to bother you at work but I wanted to tell you before you got home_ ,”

Heart pounding in her chest so hard she could feel it against her ribcage, all sound drowned out until all she could hear was her heartbeat heavy in her ears. Eyes closed. Deep breath in. Mari counted to ten and though it wasn’t enough to subside the anxiety completely, it helped enough that she could speak and hear Geny’s response.

“Geny, what is it? What’s wrong?”

“ _Your room; it’s flooded_!”

Mari almost laughed as she let out a shaky exhale, all tension leaving her body. That was it? _That_ was the emergency? Okay, maybe it was still definitely an issue, but this was Freeridge and in the grand scheme of things, Mari knew more than most that worse things were possible.

“What?”

“ _The washer broke and it flooded Abuelita’s room! We’re moving her in with Ruby until it’s fixed so you’ll have to be on the couch, I’m sorry_ ,”

 _Oh_. The couch. Okay, that wasn’t ideal. The twins tended to get up at ungodly hours of the morning and play in the living room. Ruben and Geny follow not long after as they get ready for the day - mornings in that house were loud enough from the confines of a bedroom. Not to mention the couch itself barely seats three people. Mari didn’t want to sound ungrateful, but how was she meant to sleep if she was expected to do so in a living room shared by seven people?

She couldn’t; she would just have to figure out another arrangement in the meantime. Ruby’s room wasn’t going to fit a third person so she didn’t bother suggesting that. Maybe she had one other option: Spooky.

“It’s okay,” Mari said, “it isn’t your fault. I don’t mean any disrespect, but, uh, I might ask around for somewhere else to stay, just in the meantime,”

Geny sighed on the other end of the phone as if she knew something Mari didn’t. As if to say _I know what you’re asking and you aren’t fooling anyone_.

“ _Of course_ ,” Geny responded with a tone of _who am I to stop you?_ in her voice. It made Mari feel almost guilty.

She swallowed down a thick lump in her throat and told herself there was nothing to feel guilty about.

“Thanks,” she said, suddenly at a loss of words for the older lady. Mari wondered if Oscar would always be a sore spot between the two of them, especially after the events of Mari’s birthday. She hoped not, but she wasn’t about to let Geny make her feel bad for having feelings. “Is that all?”

Mari cringed at her own choice of words. Geny snapped “ _that’s all_ ,” and hung up.

With a soft groan, Mari closed her eyes and let her body slump against the wall behind her as she searched for the courage to contact Spooky. How would he react? What would he expect? No - he would never _expect_ anything from her. Shaking her head like it would shake away the thoughts, Mari opened up her messages and typed out a new one.

**Hey Oscar, sorry to bother you, but are you free tonight?**

She barely had to wait for a reply; a quality that she appreciated about him. He never waited too long to text her back, never let her anxiety take over. If he were ever busy and couldn’t respond, he’d text her beforehand so she’d know. He was thoughtful like that and part of Mari wished that more people got to see that about him. (Then there was the selfish part of her that relished in being one of the only people he shared that side of him with.)

**You’re never a bother, mami. Got some cholos coming around. The usual, you know. What’s up?**

A party. There was always a party, but could she do it tonight? Be there, with Oscar, and a hundred other cholos and hynas? Whenever he was around them he was different. Different in a way that made Mari want to recoil back into her shell - a feeling she despised considering Oscar was the same person to pull her out of it.

She tried to keep her response as casual as possible while allowing him the opportunity to decide for her.

**It’s no big deal, I’m just looking for a place to crash tonight.**

Her phone rang. Oscar’s name popped up on the screen, accompanied by a picture of him, beaming, with a Snapchat filter that made his smile twice as big. Mari had taken it the first time they hung out; lying on the couch in his front yard, high and carefree and cackling at the picture.

Mari hit 'answer' and bought the phone to her ear.

“Spooky,” Mari hoped he couldn’t hear the tremble in her voice.

“ _Mari_ ,” came Spooky’s voice; deep and thick and rough from years of smoking. “ _What’s going on? You need somewhere to stay_?”

“Just for tonight, at least,” she clarified quickly, letting him know everything was okay - that she was okay. “The room I’m staying in flooded so I need somewhere to stay, or it’s the couch for me. I’m not sure how long it’ll be until it’s fixed, but-”

“ _Nena_ ,” he stopped her. There was an amused smirk in the way he spoke, “ _Of course, you can stay. When do you get off_?”

Mari bit her cheek to repress the flush that threatened at his choice of words. “Um, four,”

“I’ll pick you up,”

His tone made it clear there would be no arguing, so she agreed and let him know she needed to get back to work. Spooky left the call with a promise that he would see her later, a prospect that made the butterflies in her stomach settle happily.

Any thoughts she had been having of Trey earlier were wiped clean from her mind with only one phone call. It almost scared her, the power Oscar held over her. Almost but not quite. Spooky or not, she knew him too well to be scared of him. Tough on the outside, but on the inside, he was cotton candy; too sweet and too soft to ever truly hurt her.

The last few hours of the day, after that phone call, were a struggle to get through. The banter she had with Trey lost its edge and his love-struck puppy eyes lost their allure when Mari knew a Santo was waiting for her at the end of the day.

Business picked up a little that afternoon, something Mari was silently grateful for. More customers meant more time spent working and less time for Trey to swoon over her every move. As the day ticked on, a heaviness burrowed deeper and deeper into Mari’s chest. Earlier today she had been reveling in the teen’s crush on her, the way his gaze built her up until even she thought she was as beautiful as the stars. Now, after speaking with Oscar, the fog of her feelings for him had cleared and she felt bad for leading Trey on, however unintentional it may have been.

“I had a really good day today,” Trey said, restocking the chocolate bars (that’d been cleaned out in a rush of thirteen-year-olds) as Mari counted the register, ready for tomorrow.

“What, at work?” She asked with a small laugh.

“Well, I mean, with you, yeah,”

Mari stopped counting and Trey set down the box. Slowly, she looked up to meet his hopeful eyes. His brown eyes were shining, he was staring at her with a giddy smile playing at his lips. He had never looked so young and so innocent. Mari didn’t want to be the one to take that away from him.

“Trey, I-”

“Do you want to go out with me? We could, uh, get coffee?”

Something about Mari doubted this nearly-seventeen-year-old drank coffee, but she appreciated the effort. Now, she had to let him down gently.

Opening her mouth to do just that, Mari didn’t get a chance to speak as another (deeper, rougher) voice joined the conversation.

“She’s busy,” Spooky said. Mari turned to face him, going beet red and feeling as though she was just caught with her hand in the cookie jar.

Trey spoke with a healthy dose of fear, “Is this guy your boyfriend?”

“What’s it to you, puto?”

“Spooky!” Mari reprimand, her tone saying clearly _don’t be rude_. With a softer demeanor and an attempt at a smile, she said to Trey, “I need to lock up, you should head out. I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Trey glanced between Oscar and Mari. He considered fighting further, ( _Mari is too good for a guy like this,_ he thought) but decided against it at the last minute.

Trey conceded with a small bow of his head. “Yeah, see you tomorrow,”

Oscar sneered and kissed his teeth as Trey tiptoed past him. Clearly intimidated, Trey avoided any eye contact and rushed past. Mari had never seen Oscar look so much like a cholo.

It wasn’t until he was already out the door - and away from Spooky - that Trey turned back once more, offering Mari a wave and a small, shy, smile.

Spooky huffed a laugh and shook his head at the display. Who was this kid, anyway?

“What’s so funny?” Mari asked, raising an eyebrow in question.

“High School over there,” Spooky replied.

Mari’s face grew warm but she feigned nonchalance and replied with a shrug, “I think it’s kinda sweet,”

“It’s sad,” he countered with a roll of his eyes and a small shake of his head. “The kid actually thinks he has a chance with you,”

“You think he doesn’t?” She snapped. Her words were a little harsher than intended, but there was something about his tone, something smug, that got under her skin. Spooky had made it clear he wasn’t going to be with her and she was sick of this emotional tug-of-war they seemed to be trapped in.

Oscar scoffed as though that’s all he could do to reply. A smirk tugged at the corner of Mari’s lips.

“Oscar Diaz,” she said, her voice taking on a teasing edge, “are you jealous?”

Dark eyes narrowed in her direction.

“Jealous? Of High School? Nah mami,” Oscar’s voice deepened to a growl. He took a step toward her. He grabbed her hips and pulled her into him. Mari wondered if he could feel her heart pounding against her ribcage. “I’m the only guy who’s touched you. The only one who knows what you like, how to keep you satisfied. He can’t handle you, nena. He couldn’t keep you happy,”

The cholo was staring down at her with a hungry fire in his deep brown eyes. It was the kind of look that made her insides twist and her stomach flutter and heat pool between her legs. He looked as though he could devour her, right now, and if he tried she would let him without protest.

 _Friends. Friends. Friends!_ her mind screamed. Coming back to her senses, she pushed him away and stumbled out of his clutches. She cleared her throat with a weak cough and dusted herself off as though that would wipe away the things he made her feel.

“We should get going,” she said definitively.

Spooky chuckled, throwing his head back casually and blissfully unaware of the way Mari just about drooled over the sight of his long neck, pronounced Adam’s apple and Santos cross (that Mari always found inexplicably sexy, not that she would ever tell him that).

He gestured to the door with one hand, the other pulling the cigarette from behind his ear and placing it lazily between his lips.

“Lead the way,”

 

. : ♱ : .

 

A handful of Santos were already hanging around the front yard when Mari arrived with Spooky. Denim skirt suddenly feeling too short, Mari pulled at it as she struggled to get out of the car gracefully and flushed when some Santos whistled and commented under their breath, too quiet for her to hear. Spooky didn’t seem to pay them any attention as he grabbed her hand and led her right past them and into the house.

Lounged comfortably across the sofa, Cesar caught her eye. He offered an indiscernible smile as they passed. Mari gave a slight wave in return, thankful that, other than Oscar, there was a familiar face around.

“I don’t have a spare change of clothes,” Mari told Spooky as he pulled her into his bedroom.

He shot her a dimpled smirk. “You don’t need clothes in my bed, mami,”

At his words, Mari shot him a look and he amended, with a playful roll of his eyes, “You can borrow some of mine when you wanna sleep,”

Mari wanted to argue - she was an independent woman, she could handle a walk home and back without a supervisor - but the idea of spending the night with Oscar, bundled in his clothes and lost in his scent, was too good to pass up. So she didn’t argue.

Instead, she agreed with a small nod but told him that she was going to at least take a shower to wash off the sticky layer of sweat she had acquired throughout the day. He handed her a new towel and told her to find him out front when she was done.

Pausing right before he left the room, with a hand on her bare shoulder, he stared down at her with a hard look. It was just a second but in that second, Mari swore he was going to kiss her.

Oscar was out the door before she knew what’d happened.

The now-empty space where his hand had been burned. Every inch of her tingled. Every inch ached for his touch. Oscar Diaz was so deeply embedded in her soul - the thought of him alone made her feel like there something hot was crawling around under her skin. As the spray of the shower ran over her, Mari scrubbed until her skin was raw.

That tingly feeling didn’t leave and she wondered briefly if it ever would.

Mari cut her shower short. This was no time to be led astray by her feelings; not tonight. Tonight, they would be friends. At least, that’s what she told herself as she redressed and left the house in search of Oscar.

Mari frowned as she approached the door and heard a familiar voice coming from outside. Monse?

“I need to talk to you,”

“I’m listening,” Mari heard Cesar reply, an unbothered edge to his voice that she knew was a front.

There was silence as Mari tentatively stepped outside. Monse looked around the yard. She noticed Mari, confusion dancing in her dark eyes, but said nothing.

Facing Cesar, she said pointedly, “privately?”

“Yeah, we can go inside,” Cesar offered, his nonchalant facade cracking just a little.

Spooky huffed a suggestive cough. There he was; the other Spooky. The one who was rude and inappropriate and mean, just to get a rise out of someone. This was the side of Spooky that made Mari ashamed to say she was falling for the guy.

Cesar glanced at him, desperate to impress the Santos and, most importantly, Oscar.

“But if you wanna sit on my face, you gotta put that mouth on pause so I can concentrate,”

 _Oh Cesar, you idiot_ , Mari thought.

The Santos laughed; Oscar included. Monse looked heartbroken, eyes wide with shock and chest heaving as though breathing alone was a challenge. Looking at Mari, Monse shook her head as if to say _it’ll happen to you too, you know_ and then she was gone before anyone had the chance to stop her.

Mari moved to follow, but a hand around her arm kept her in place.

“Leave it,” Spooky said. He gestured across the road where Monse was storming down the street, a stricken Jamal in tow.

With a sigh, Mari snatched her arm out of his grip and marched back into the house. Heavy footsteps echoed her own but she made a point to act as though she didn’t hear them following her into his bedroom.

“Come on, Mari,” Oscar said, watching as she proceeded to ignore him. Heaving a sigh, he sat on the bed beside her, thighs pressed up against each other. “You gonna tell me what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, mami?”

“I just don’t get it,” she admitted with a shake of her head, “why you’re like that around them. He _likes_ her, Oscar! And you know that! Why can’t you just let them be together?”

“The sooner he realizes it ain’t gonna work, the better,” his eyes narrowed as he stared her down. Mari could hear the frustration rising in his voice, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself.

“And how do you know it won’t?” She pleaded, “If you won’t even give it a chance, how do you know it won’t work?”

“Because you deserve better!”

Oscar regretted the words as soon as he’d said them - not because they weren’t true, but because to say it out loud made it real. Because to say it out loud meant that he had to stop pretending they had a chance.

“It’s not fair for me to drag you into my life! You deserve more than I can give you,”

The sparks of a raging fire flickered within her. It was always the same excuse with him: _you deserve better_. But that didn’t stop him from kissing her or touching her or doing all the things they would do if they were together. It only stopped him from acknowledging it.

“And what about you?” She hissed, “What about what you deserve, Spooky?! You act like us being together would be some enormous deal but it wouldn’t - it would just make you happy and for some reason, you don’t want that!” Taking a deep breath, she calmed down and shuffled closer to him, laying a hand on his knee. “Oscar, you deserve good things too; you’ve given up so much, for so many people, your whole life! Why can’t you let yourself have this one thing?”

He stared at her, dark eyes searching hers for an answer he couldn’t seem to say out loud. Oscar didn’t get it. Whatever it was that she saw in him, he was blind to it; he was a convicted felon, with nothing but blood money, a stolen impala and two strikes to his name. He didn’t deserve. _shit_.

But he couldn’t say that to her. Not when she was staring at him with those big round doe eyes, begging him to sweep her off her feet. Oscar knew he couldn’t give her what she wanted. He couldn’t give in to her dark eyes and pouty lips, but he could give her tonight. Another _one last time_.

Hands found her hips and he pulled her into a kiss. Mari clutched at his chest, bunching his shirt in her fists as she kissed him back with a kind of hopeful desperation that almost made Oscar feel guilty.

Running his tongue across her lower lip, his fingertips found her inner thigh, inching closer and closer to the hem of her skirt. ignoring the way her body reacted to his touch, the way she wanted more of it, Mari caught his arm. Eyes closed, unsure if she would have this courage if she were looking at him, she pulled away.

“No,” she said, “no, Spooky, I need you to say it,”

Oscar let out a deep breath in a feeble attempt to mask an exhausted sigh.

“Say what, Mari?” His words were almost sharp enough to pierce her thin resolve, “What else can I say, huh? You already know I want you!”

“I need to know you want me in the same way that I want you! I want a relationship with you, Spooky! Okay? Not this meaningless flirtation, and definitely not these cheap fucks when we need to feel good about something. Can you say the same?”

Her question was met with a silence that spoke volumes. The man beside her was staring blankly at the wall before him, seemingly unable to look at her. His usually carefree smile was downturned into a frown, his brow was furrowed and there was a look of sadness in his eyes. If Mari didn’t know better, she could’ve sworn he was about to cry.

She wanted nothing more to comfort him, to make that look of despair disappear and turn it into one of his bright, dimpled smiles. But that would only hurt her in the long run, and she had to look out for herself. For now, she had to be selfish. Pushing herself up off the bed, she crossed the room to put some distance between them. Though it was barely five feet, she felt like they were oceans apart.

“I can’t keep doing this to myself,” she whispered, standing before him and silently pleading for him to look at her. “You either wanna be with me or you don’t. Tell me, Oscar, because this is it. This is the last time I lay it all out on the line and hope for the best. So say it,”

Mere seconds passed without a word, but it was almost long enough for Mari to change her mind - to say _to hell with it_ and run back into his arms and kiss him until she forgot about all the heartache she’s been feeling. Almost.

He still didn’t look at her when he finally spoke, but Mari was kind of grateful for that because his words made her eyes sting with tears.

“You know, maybe you should go,” he said.

So she did, and she didn’t look back.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

After the first night on the couch, Mari had decided to temporarily renounce the idea of a good night’s sleep. Curled into the fetal position just to fit, she tossed and turned all night. She wished she could blame the lumpy cushions or the light that streamed in from the blinds, but every time she closed her eyes she saw Oscar and she knew that was the source of her problem.

Desperate for a distraction she threw herself into working, waking earlier and coming home much later. There were two silver linings to this newfound work ethic: the first, money. Though the guy that owned this place didn’t care what happened to the store, or what hours she worked, he did believe in somewhat fair pay for fair work. She may still be earning only two cents above minimum wage, but he paid her for every hour that she worked. The way she was going at the moment, that was stacking up and soon enough she could start looking for a new, permanent, place to live.

The second thing was Ruben. Surprisingly, now that she was spending more time away from home, she was also spending more time with her father. They shared small talk over black coffee and toast in the mornings and late-night discussions after a long day of work. It was nice in a way that made Mari feel comfortable and safe.

School had started up again and it was, admittedly, a little quiet and a little lonely without Trey there. She killed time the same way she usually did, with trashy magazines and horoscopes, but this time she didn’t creep onto Cesar’s Instagram, yearning for just one glance at that gorgeous face. Mari feared her she wouldn’t be able to recover if she were to do that to herself.

At least she had Mario. He had called her during his free period and for that, Mari was eternally grateful. She told him about what’d happened; about Oscar and Trey and Cesar and Monse. She told him how she begged Spooky to accept her heart and instead, he broke it.

She had imagined that she would feel better after talking about it, that she would feel lighter and that breathing would no longer be so hard. But none of that happened and it was just as bad as before, only now someone else knew about it. More than anything, she wished Mario were here. He would convince her that everything is going to turn out alright. She needed that reassurance right now because that light at the end of the tunnel was starting to dim.

“Hey,” Trey called as he entered the store and made his way behind the counter.

Checking the clock, Mari realized how late in the afternoon it was already. It was seemingly harder to keep track of time lately; she was losing hours of her life in various states of disassociation. If she was being honest, it was starting to scare her.

“Hey,” she offered a smile, but it was weak and if he looked hard enough he would see right through it. “How was school?”

At her question, Trey crinkled his nose. “When you say that, I feel like you’re my mother, and that’s definitely not how I want to think of you,”

Mari let out an almost genuine laugh. “Okay, okay, I’m sorry,”

Trey smiled and grabbed an empty box, heading into the aisles to sort the expired goods. Mari was about to return to her horoscope (she had been reading something about a fresh start for emotions and self-worth, and now more than ever she needed to believe things would change) when the doorbell buzzed and a pair of light giggles filled the air. Smiling, she set her magazine aside. She knew those voices.

“Monse,” Mari called, grabbing their attention, “Olivia, what are you guys doing here?”

Mari was always happy to see Monse. They got along well and the younger girl seemed to appreciate having backup when Ruby was being, however accidentally, a little insensitive - something that was occurring more and more since Monse decided to stay friends with Cesar. Things weren’t completely mended between them, any of them, but Mari was happy to see them try. It was more than she could say for her situation.

When Olivia moved in a couple of days ago, after things with Oscar had fallen apart and right around the time Abuelita’s room got fixed, Mari had been more than a little resentful. All the time she had spent trying to earn enough brownie points to worm herself into Geny’s good graces and she had almost nothing to show for it, yet this girl was welcomed with open arms. Mari had a door slammed in her face and Olivia got all her favorite meals cooked for her.

Mari had just had her heartbroken. She had just lost the person who was her solace, her only escape from this daytime soap that was her life, and she couldn’t even feel sorry for herself anymore because this girl had it worse.

It wasn’t until, on Olivia’s first night there, Mari returned home at almost midnight and found the younger girl curled on her bed and holding a picture frame for dear life. At that exact moment, Mari dropped all misplaced anger and held Olivia as she talked about her parents and cried herself to sleep. It made her heart hurt, hearing the stories Olivia had to tell. Mari hadn’t grown up with loving parents and she thought that’d been the worst thing in the world, now she realized it may have been worse to have had it and lost it.

Aside from that night, they hadn’t had much time to get to know each other. But they were sharing a room now and Olivia seemed nice, not to mention Ruby and Monse seemed to like her, so Mari wasn’t worried.

“Monse is showing me around the neighborhood,” Olivia said with a warm smile as they made their way over, “so we thought we’d stop by and see you!”

“Yeah,” Monse agreed with a smile that was almost too wide, even for her, “and get snacks. But, mostly you!”

“It’s cool,” Mari laughed, “I’m sure I can hook you up with some snacks,”

“What do you recommend?” Olivia asked, placing both elbows on the counter.

Mari raised an eyebrow. “I may have some potato chips and chocolate bars that hit their ‘best before’ a couple of days ago. They’re going to the trash unless you guys want them?”

Olivia laughed happily. “Sounds perfect!”

“I’m not sure what I have out back,” Mari said, “but Trey is checking the shelves now so you might find something with him,”

“Great!” Monse suddenly exclaimed, a little too eagerly. “I’ll go check out back with Mari. Olivia, do you wanna have a look out here?”

“Uh, sure,” she agreed warily and headed out to Trey.

Mari frowned at Monse’s strange behavior but let the girl follow her nevertheless. Monse was silent as they made their way through to the storeroom.

“So, Trey, huh?” Monse finally spoke as Mari started sifting through boxes. “I haven’t seen him around before. Is he new to Freeridge?”

“Uh, yeah,” Mari replied. “His family just moved here from someplace called Brentwood. He’s a junior so you probably don’t see him around school,”

“ _Brentwood_? What’s a kid from rich, white, suburbia doing working in Freeridge?” Monse said, folding her arms across her chest and them unfolding them. Her fidgeting was starting to make Mari nervous.

“Monse, as happy as I am to see you, you’re acting weird. What’s going on?”

Monse huffed a sigh and dropped her arms to her sides, a pained expression on her face.

“First of all, I want to preface this by saying that I don’t understand why you’re friends with him. He’s sleazy, obnoxious and he just went to prison for drug possession! I get that you probably think he’s cute but the bad boy thing only works out in movies. His life isn’t safe and you shouldn’t get mixed up in it, I just really don’t know what you see in him. I mean you’re sensible, Mari, I-”

“Monse!” Mari snapped again. She felt bad for losing her temper, but the last thing she wanted right now was a lecture on all the reasons she shouldn’t be with Oscar. “I’m sorry, you’re kinda losing me,”

Monse sighed again, but she seemed less pent up this time. This time, she seemed almost nervous.

“I need you to talk to Spooky,”

Mari froze. Did she hear that right?

“What?”

“I need you to talk to Spooky, about Cesar. Jamal and Ruby and me, we’re trying to get Cesar out of the Santos and the only way we can do that is to reason with Spooky. They won’t let me do it because I’m too confrontational, and Jamal is...well, Jamal. So that only leaves Ruby. And don’t get me wrong, the boy can talk, but I don’t think he’s right for this. He seems to have a soft spot for you, do you think you could try?”

Mari bit the inside of her lip. She wanted to help Cesar, she knew how much he didn’t want to be in this life, but she couldn’t do it. Seeing Oscar, trying to convince him to let Cesar out was the last thing she wanted to do and, given how things went down the last time they spoke, Mari wasn’t so sure Oscar would listen to her anyway.

“I’m sorry Monse, but I don’t think I can,”

A cocktail of anger and disappointment flickered behind Monse’s dark eyes, so Mari continued before she got the wrong idea. “Spooky and I aren’t on speaking terms right now. As much as I wish I could help, I think that if I were to do this, it’d do more harm than good,”

Monse softened. “Oh. I’m sorry, I know you guys were close,”

Mari could only nod in response to her words. They were close, and now they weren’t anything. What was there to say?

“Ruby said you’ve been working a lot, he’s getting kinda worried. Is that why?”

Mari almost laughed. The list of reasons she had to bury herself with work was ever-growing.

She ran away from home to be with her dad and was no closer to him than she was before. Her mother was trying to get her back, yet refused to leave her shitty boyfriend. Mario, the only person to make her feel truly at home in this family and the only one she could talk to about Oscar, was gone. She trusted someone with everything she had left and he used her up and broke her heart. It was safe to say, Mari thought, that her life was on a steady decline and she was struggling to see past tomorrow.

“A little, I guess,” she didn’t want to get into it right now. In fact, she wanted to keep pretending that she was fine because she would be, eventually. “Oh, here, I’ve found the candy bars,”

Eager to get out of the conversation, Mari all but threw the food at Monse and shoved her out of the storeroom. Monse and Olivia left soon after that, and Mari was grateful for her ability to read the room. The moment the girls, or more specifically, Monse, was gone, Mari found herself breathing a sigh of relief. All she wanted to do was move on from Oscar, forget everything she thought he meant to her, and that was a lot easier said than done.

Mari was starting to wonder if coming to Freeridge was the best decision, though it wasn’t as though she had much of a choice, to begin with.

“Hey, Trey,” Mari called to the boy who was already making his way over, something Monse said earlier had lingered in her mind. “Can I ask you something?”

“Sure,” he flashed a lopsided grin and leaned across the counter toward her, “but only if I can ask you something in return,”

“Deal,” Mari returned with a sweet but halfhearted smile. She hoped he wouldn’t notice. “What are you doing in Freeridge? I mean, you’re from Brentwood, right? I hear that’s a pretty nice place,”

Trey blanched, looking almost afraid to answer.

“Oh, uh, yeah,” he said, though he was avoiding looking directly at her, something Mari noticed was extremely out of character for the boy. “My dad had to relocate, for work,”

“What do your parents do?”

“My dad’s in finance. He’s an investor for some big company,”

“And your mom?”

“Uh, events. Like functions and parties and stuff,” he answered, though Mari didn’t miss his hesitation. She didn’t dwell on it though, as that charming, boisterous smile was plastered back on. “My turn,”

Mari nodded and smiled, “shoot,”

“Will you go on a date with me?”

Mari’s stomach dropped. How did she not see that coming? And how could she let him down easy when he was smiling at her like that? It wasn’t fair. She didn’t want to hurt him, but she wasn’t over Oscar and she didn’t want to lead him on.

“Look, Trey,” she started, “you’re really sweet, but I-”

“Wait! Before you keep going, if this is about that guy with the tattoos and the cool car who looks like he’s in a gang-”

“He is in a gang,”

“Oh - well, that’s beside my point,” Trey shook his head to clear his thoughts, his mop of blond hair falling into his eyes and making him look like a stray pup. “My point is, he clearly isn’t making you happy. I see you every single day, alright? Every day.

“And even though you try to hide it, I see how sad you look and I know it’s because of him. I know because ever since he turned up here, you haven’t mentioned him and every single day it’s like you lose a part of your spark.

“I don’t know what happened between you guys, and quite frankly, I don’t think I want to know. All I’m asking is for a chance to make you happy,” He was pleading, hands clasped together and cheeks red and Mari’s resolve was cracking. “Just one date,”

The corner of Mari’s lips twitched, almost into a smile.

“Just one date?” She repeated, making sure that’s all he was asking because she couldn’t give him much else.

Trey’s hopeful grin widened and he nodded. “And if you aren’t into it we can pretend it didn’t happen,”

If there was one thing Mari had to appreciate it was his honesty. He was putting it all out there for her, laying it on the line. That was a scary thing to do, a dark cloud of potential rejection constantly looming. Mari knew how bad it hurt when that hopeful bubble bursts, so she would throw him a bone.

“Okay,” she agreed, and the way Trey’s eyes lit up almost made her heart flutter. Almost. “One date. I’ll text you my address, pick me up at seven,”

 

. : ♱ : .

 

At promptly six-fifty, a beat-up Ford pickup truck parked across the street. Trey sat in the car, waiting patiently, counting down the minutes until it was exactly seven before he crossed the street and knocked on the door of the Martinez house.

“I got it!” Mari called, but Ruby was already at the door.

Mari groaned. This was not the first impression she had been hoping for.

Ever since he had arrived home from school today, Ruby had been down; pouting non-stop and making belittling comments about himself. For a while, he refused to tell her what was wrong. Olivia had said that Monse said it was because he wanted his own room, so Olivia had tried to give it back, but Mari knew better.

So she confronted him about the real problem - his meeting with Spooky. And then, Ruby told her that Cesar had been promoted, all because of him. Fury flooded her veins. How could Oscar do that to him? He knew Cesar wanted out and yet he trapped him in the life anyway.

“Um, hello?” Ruby’s voice brought Mari back to the present.

 _Right_ , she thought, _I’m going on a date_.

She needed to stop thinking about Oscar.

“Hi,” Trey replied. He was smiling but he was jittery and Mari could tell from where she stood on the sidelines that his nerves were getting the best of him. If she were being honest, she kind of liked that he was nervous. “I’m uh, here to pick up Mari,”

“Oh,”

They each stood there, for a moment. Ruby said nothing and Trey didn’t know what to say. What was the correct etiquette in these situations?

So, he said, dumbly, “you don’t talk much,”

Ruby shook his head. “Bad things happen when I talk. Oh, there’s Mari,”

And then he walked away.

Mari made her way over, plastering on a smile as she came into view.

“Hey, Mari,” he greeted, almost sighing with relief at the sight of her. “You look beautiful,”

The white sundress with pink flowers, that Olivia had insisted she borrow, felt foreign on her. Her legs felt exposed and the fabric felt too light and she almost changed into jeans and a t-shirt one hundred times. But she would be lying if she said she didn’t like the way Trey was looking at her, so she put her insecurities aside.

“So, where are we going?” She asked as they crossed the street to his car. He opened the passenger door for her and helped her in, using one hand to hold her dress down and clasp her hand in the other. It was nice, sweet.

“There’s a diner just on the outskirts of town that I heard is okay,” he said, starting the car, “I thought we could have dinner there,”

“That sounds great, I-”

“Oh, I love this song!” Trey announced as some top-forties song came on the radio. He turned the volume up to max and sung along as he drove, only stopping to scream over the music, “do you know it?”

Mari only offered a polite smile and shook her head. Trey continued singing. Crossing her arms, she leaned back in the chair and did her best to enjoy the ride.

The diner they arrived at was small, maybe enough space for twenty people at best, with a couple of booths on either side and a group of round tables in the middle. I was cramped, but the large windows and white-and-beige color scheme made it seem bigger than it was. The paint was chipping on the walls, and the rood was water damaged, but the furniture and floors looked newly renovated.

Taking her hand, Mari let Trey lead her to one of the booths. A waitress came around to take their orders, but Trey paid her little mind as he told Mari about a comic he had been reading, his hands gesturing animatedly.

Mari couldn’t help but relish in the way he made her feel - the way he looked at her like she was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen, the way he ignored everything else in favor of speaking only to her. He made her feel warm inside. Slowly but surely he would help rebuild her confidence, but was that enough of a reason for her to stay with him?

Maybe not, she couldn’t help but think. Maybe she was enjoying this for all the wrong reasons, all the selfish reasons, because she sure as hell wasn’t as passionate about him as he was about her. And you need that to make a relationship work, right?

And then, just when Mari was beginning to suspect it wasn’t possible anymore, he made her laugh. It was a stupid dad-like joke that came completely out of the blue, and Mari laughed. It bubbled up in her chest, a light feeling like when you swallow soft drink too quickly, and before she knew it her head was thrown back and she was laughing, and it was real.

That was until, against all odds, Spooky walked in, two Santos in tow. He met her eye as he walked past but was quick to avert his gaze. She couldn’t bring herself to do the same though, like staring at the sun she couldn’t look away no matter how much it hurt.

The Santos sat in a booth across the diner. They were loud and they were smoking and the other two had already started cat-calling the waitress. Spooky laughed.

The shred of happiness she’d been feeling before sizzled away until it was replaced almost solely by anger. Anger for Cesar, for Ruby, for herself, even for Trey - because he knew he couldn’t compete, judging by the disheartened look on his face.

“Shit, Mari, I’m sorry,” the teen said, as though he could’ve done anything to prevent this. “We can leave if you want?”

Through sheer force of will, she managed to peel her eyes away from the cholo.

“No, we can stay,” she said, eyebrows knitting together, “but um, I know this sounds bad, but would you mind if I just go and talk to him?”

Trey licked his lips and his gaze flickered away, just for a second. “Uh, yeah, sure, go ahead,”

With a muttered “thanks,” Mari was already striding towards Spooky.

She didn’t wait for him to notice her and she didn’t say anything to the other cholos as she sat down in the booth before him, arms folded across her chest.

Spooky took a long drag of his cigar, dark eyes trained on hers as though he was challenging her.

With a groan, he released the smoke and fell back as though he couldn’t be bothered doing this right now.

“Give us a minute,” he told the Santos. Mari hadn’t realized until right now exactly how much she had missed that deep voice. Once they were gone, he continued, “you look nice,” he glanced over at Trey, “happy,”

Mari’s frown deepened. Happy? How could Oscar miss something that even Trey could see - she was far from happy.

But she wasn’t about to fall into his trap. She wasn’t going to say that she missed him or that she wasn’t happy without him. She wouldn’t say that she needed him, no matter how true it was.

Instead, she said, “how could you do that to Cesar?”

“What are you talking about, hyna?” He shook his head and rolled his eyes. Mari knew that look - it’s the look he gives girls at parties that he isn’t interested in or Santos that ask him dumb questions. Mari never thought she would be on the receiving end of it.

“Cesar running for the Santos!” She clarified, voice escalating. The more he treated her as though she wasn’t worth his time, the rage inside her only intensified because she knew better. Actions spoke louder than words did, and his actions had told Mari long ago that she was worth every second. She just needed to remember that.

“Oh, that. You can thank your brother for that,”

“Don’t put this on Ruby!” She snapped. Oscar almost flinched at her sudden reaction. “You made this choice for Cesar, don’t use Ruby as a way to avoid feeling guilty,”

“You think you know me?!” Oscar screamed, slamming a hand down on the table so hard that Mari jumped back in her seat. “You don’t. So how about you fuck off and deal with your own messed up family instead of worrying about mine?”

Her vision blurred with tears. Her chest was tight. Her throat closed up until she couldn’t breathe.

Everything he knew about her she had told him in confidence and now he was using that against her. Maybe he was right, she really didn’t know him.

Without a word she stood from the table and rushed out of the diner. It wasn’t until she collapsed on the sidewalk, the curb hot against her legs, that she let herself cry.

“Mari!” Trey’s voice came from behind her. Within a minute he was crouched beside her and pulling her into him. His arms were thin and wiry and nothing like the arms she was used to, which was probably a good thing right now.

“I’m sorry,” she choked out, wiping frantically at her face, “I shouldn’t have spoken to him. I ruined everything,”

From the corner of her eye, she noticed Spooky and the others heading out to his car. He caught her gaze, and maybe she was being hopeful, but his eyes glimmered with something akin to regret. Still, he kept walking.

“You didn’t ruin anything,” Trey said, “I got our food 'to-go', so how about we go? Just for the afternoon, we can leave Freeridge and have a picnic somewhere,”

Somehow, she managed a smile through sobs. He was persistent, that’s for sure, but it was endearing. Maybe, if she just let herself accept what Trey was trying to give, things could get better.

Maybe he was her light at the end of the tunnel.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

It was safe to say that Trey had saved their date. After what happened with Oscar, they did what Trey suggested - they got in his car and they drove until they were out of Freeridge, away from everything that threatened to bring them down. It was getting dark by the time they found somewhere to stop.

On the side of a road on a hill overlooking the beach, they sat in the back of Trey’s truck under the warm light of the sunset as the ate. Once the sun had set, they wasted time counting stars and talking. They didn’t talk about the deep things, the real things, and it was a nice reprieve from the heaviness that is ever-present with Oscar.

She felt light and she felt happy and she agreed to a second date, and then a third and a fourth until Trey didn’t even have to ask. He had taken to picking her up every morning, too. It meant he had to get up earlier to make it to school on time, but he was worried about her.

Mari spent almost every waking hour at that store, not to mention the heat was only increasing. She was leaving herself no time to rest. If he could force her to stay home even an extra couple of hours, he would consider that a win.

“Hey,” Trey greeted with a smile as she jumped in the car. He reached over and pressed a kiss to her lips. She didn’t kiss back. It felt strange, wrong somehow, to kiss someone else. He didn’t make her heart race like Oscar did, didn’t taste like cigars and Corona.

“Hi,” she said, wiping her forehead with the back of her hand. She was too hot and she was sticky and, if she was being honest, maybe a little lightheaded but she put that down to skipping breakfast that morning.

“So, I was thinking,” the boy started as he turned on the car.

Mari threw him a look, eyebrow cocked, and said, “I’m still not going to the homecoming dance with you tonight if that’s what you’re thinking. The last thing I wanna do is hang out at a high school dance with my little brother and his friends,”

Trey chuckled. “No, no. I’ve learned my lesson from your multiple rejections,”

By ‘multiple rejections’ he meant exactly three. He had asked once, the first time, in passing as they worked. She had said no, equally as casual. The second time was at the end of a date; after he had walked her to the door and right before he kissed her goodnight. Still no.

So he tried once more, in an attempt that involved the back of his truck filled with tea light candles, and a soft love song playing from the car stereo. It was extravagant and dramatic and Mari was so embarrassed. He had thought she wanted something bigger and better and it wasn’t until she had said no, yet again, that he realized she just had no desire to go.

So he didn’t quite understand her yet, she realized, but surely he would in time.

“I was actually thinking about Halloween,” he said. “It’s coming up soon and my parents will be out of town for work. I was wondering if you wanted to come around? We can marathon the Halloween movies or something,”

Mari offered a weak smile and a nod, resting her head against the car window. It wasn’t that she wasn’t interested because she was (she wouldn’t be with him otherwise, right?) but she was having a hard time focusing. There was ringing somewhere in the back of her mind and things were getting a little blurry like the world wasn’t quite in focus.

“Mari, are you alright?” She heard Trey ask, but he sounded far away and she didn’t quite have the energy to respond. “Mari?”

Her eyelids were heavy, weighed down by some invisible force. Unable to keep her eyes open, she gave up the struggle to stay conscious and let the world around her fade away as it all went black.

 

. : ♱ : .

 

Mari woke to a mechanical, high-pitched beeping. Her eyes were heavy and her lips were dry. Dark curls had fallen in her eyes but she couldn’t brush it away because she couldn’t seem to move her arm. Cold panic filled her veins. Her breaths grew shorter and shorter until she was almost gasping for air.

Somewhere in the background, behind the loud beeping and even louder blood pumping in her ears, she could hear someone calling her name. Closing her eyes, she focused on that voice. Trying to pinpoint its owner, she used that as an anchor to pull her out of the terror that was threatening to swallow her whole.

“Mari, it’s okay,” the voice said. A smooth hand brushed her hair aside. “It’s okay, you’re okay,”

“T-Trey?” She rasped. Her voice was thin as paper, fragile as glass, yet it hurt to speak as though her throat was filled with gravel. The bed dipped beside her.

“Yeah, it’s me,” his hand closed around hers, “I’m here,”

Deep breath in. Deep breath out.

Glancing around the room, she took in her surroundings. To her left was a chair, covered in worn blue fabric, in front of a large window. The beeping was coming from a machine behind her and there was a large needle buried in the crook of her arm, attached to an IV bag full of clear liquid.

Hospital. She hadn’t been in hospital since her mother and her boyfriend were still figuring out how long they could lock her in a room without food.

“Wha-” her voice died in her throat. After a weak attempt to clear her throat, she tried again. “What hap-”

“Don’t try to speak, it’s alright,” he reached over for the glass of water that was sitting on the bedside table, a blue plastic straw sticking out the top. It took all of the strength she could muster, which wasn’t a lot at the moment, to take one sip. “You passed out, Mari. Honestly, you scared the shit out of me. I’m just relieved I was there, that anyone was there to take you to the hospital. I wish I could tell you more but I don’t know anything, the doctors will only speak to your family so I called your mom-”

The color drained from Mari’s face and the world fell away until all that was left was a low buzz in the back of her mind. He called her mother.

He called her mother.

The anxiety she had been feeling before flooded back in, washing over her until she felt as though she were drowning.

“My mom?” She repeated weakly, almost thankful for her broken voice so as not to convey her fear and accusation.

“Oh, yeah, I’m sorry I went through your phone. I didn’t know who to call and your phone was unlocked so-”

A painful lump made its way to her throat. Swallowing it down, she forced out the words: “call Ruben. You need to call Ruben,”

Maybe it was the hard look on her face, or maybe he could see the glint of fear in her brown eyes, but he didn’t ask any more questions.

“Yeah, of course,” he nodded, grabbing her phone from the bedside table and excusing herself to make the call.

When he came back, they sat in silence. Trying to speak only hurt, and Trey didn’t seem to have anything to say, something Mari was secretly happy about. After what he did, she was having trouble even thinking of anything to say to him other than “ _how could you_?”

She had to mentally remind herself that he didn’t know any better. She hadn’t told him anything about her mother or their relationship; that information had been reserved for Oscar and, since he had thrown it back in her face, she’d decided she wouldn’t be opening up that again.

Mari had to remind herself that he was just trying to get her help. She shouldn’t feel this angry or betrayed, but she couldn’t seem to stop it.

She didn’t know how much time had passed by the time Ruben rushed into the room, breathing a sigh of relief to see her awake and, for the most part, okay.

“Mija!” He called as he ran to her and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Warmth ran through her. She felt instantly better, having Ruben here. He made her feel safe like she was finally home.

Mari took in his appearance; his hair was disheveled, his cheeks were flushed, his suit was ruffled and his tie hastily loosened. A pang of guilt shot through her as she realized that he must’ve left work to be here, something she hadn’t considered when she asked Trey to call him.

“I’m sorry, you were at work-” she started, but he cut her off with a shake of his head.

“I only wished you called me sooner,” he said.

Mari mustered a smile that she hoped would convince him she was alright as she told him “I only just woke up. Trey called you as soon as he could,”

“Yes, Trey,” Ruben said with a bemused but tight smile, “I don’t believe we’ve met,”

Jumping to his feet, Trey reached across Mari’s hospital bed to shake her father’s hand.

“Uh, hello, sir,” he stammered over his words, clearly nervous. “I’m Trey, um, I’m your daughter’s boyfriend. I hope that’s okay,”

Mari snickered beneath her breath, only biting her lip to stop herself at the look of terror on the blond’s face. He really was desperate for Ruben’s approval, and though Mari knew she would date him regardless of what her dad thought, it was sweet.

Ruben let out a quick laugh and said, “Mari’s smart, she can make her own decisions; no need for my permission. If she’s happy, I’m happy,”

Shoulders slumping as the tension left his body, Trey nodded with a relieved smile. “Okay, sir,”

Ruben scrunched up his nose and added, “you can stop calling me sir,”

“Yes si- uh, yes,”

Trey was red-faced and, judging by the look on his face, he was mentally kicking himself. First impressions were never his strong point and watching that felt a lot like watching a car crash play out in slow motion.

“Oh, you’re awake!” A new voice came into the room. It was bright and bubbly and just hearing it made Mari want to smile too. Not to mention she was more than grateful for a distraction from the train-wreck happening before her.

Throwing a glance behind Ruben, Mari found the source of the voice. A dark-skinned woman in teal hospital scrubs had entered the room. Unruly curls were wrangled into a ponytail at the base of her neck and she wore a bright smile as she headed over.

“How you feeling?” The woman asked, pressing a hand to Mari’s forehead and then checking the IV drip beside the bed.

“I’m okay,” Mari said, watching the woman work. Every move she made was lightning quick and perfectly practiced, though she moved elegantly, as though she were gliding around the room. “A little thirsty, maybe. Are you my nurse?”

“Sure am, sweetie,” the lady said, smiling down at Mari, flashing her pearly white teeth and dimples. “Name’s Latisha. Mari, right?” Mari nodded. Latisha turned to the boys, adding, “you must be the father and boyfriend?”

“Yes!” Trey confirmed, a little over-eager. Mari blushed a little at his enthusiasm, but Latisha only laughed a little to herself. That boy had it bad.

“So,” Mari spoke again, taking the spotlight off of her relationship and shining it on the matter at hand. “Do you know what’s wrong with me,”

Latisha must’ve picked up on the way that Mari’s voice trembled, as she stopped pressing buttons on the monitor and turned all attention to Mari.

“Right now, the running theory is mild dehydration brought on by overworking yourself this heat. We’re still gonna do some blood tests, just to be sure, but we’ll do that after you get some more fluids in you. It’ll make the blood easier to draw and a lot less painful.

“No food for the next four hours or so, until the blood test is all done. We’ll probably keep you overnight as well, just for observation. We don’t want you heading home and passing out again!”

The last thing Mari wanted was to spend the night in a hospital room, but who was she to argue. She hadn’t even noticed how fatigued her body was, she didn’t trust herself when it came to her health right now.

The nurse reached up and pulled down a bulky plastic remote, with only a few buttons, attached to the bed by a thick cord.

“I have to go,” Latisha said, handing Mari the remote, “but if you need anything at all, you just press this green button here, you got it? I’m here all night,”

Mari thanked her and offered an appreciative smile. Silver lining: at least she got a nice nurse. She waited until Latisha had left the room before she let out a deep sigh. Overnight? Mari hated hospitals and would take a hundred nights on the couch over this any day. It wasn’t negotiable though, she knew that, and she had to look after herself if not for her own sake, then for Ruben’s.

“I suppose you’ll be needing a change of clothes for the night then,” Ruben said. “I’ll head home and grab you some things. Trey, why don’t you come with me?”

Trey blanched, glancing between Ruben and his daughter. He wanted to stay with Mari, but who was he to say no to her father?

“Yeah, sure,” he agreed and made his way to Ruben, stopping only to press a small kiss to the back of Mari’s hand. “We’ll be back soon, babe. Make sure you get the nurse if you need anything,”

“I will,” she nodded in promise and waved to them as they left the room.

Sighing, she let her head fall back onto the stiff pillow. For someone who had done nothing but sleep all day, she sure was exhausted. Mari let her eyes fall shut, eager to get back to that peaceful nothingness, but a knock at the door interrupted her.

Reluctantly, her eyelids fluttered open. Mari almost couldn’t believe her eyes. Was this some sort of hallucination? What was he doing here?

“Oscar?”

He was leaning against the doorframe, shoulders hunched, hands tucked deep in his pockets and seemingly unable to meet her gaze. She had never seen him look so small.

“Hey mami,” he said finally, “mind if I come in?”

Was that even a question?

“Of course you can,” she told him, watching carefully as he crossed the room in three long strides. He made his way to the chair Trey had previously occupied, dragged it closer to her and took a seat.

Mari shifted into a sitting position, careful not to disturb the cannula in her arm. Spooky stayed quiet, head hung low and eyes closed. He was so close Mari could count each one of his long eyelashes, but he was distant too, as though his mind were somewhere else. Mari had never seen him like this; big, strong Spooky looked...weak.

“Spooky,” she said softly, “please say something, you’re scaring me,”

Oscar let out a short, sharp laugh.

“I scared _you_?” His eyes finally, _finally,_ searched out hers and he shook his head incredulously. “Shit Mari, do you know how fucking scared _I_ was? If something happened to you and the last thing I...”

He looked away again as his words trailed off, unable to finish the thought, let alone the sentence.

The last thing he did was what? Yell at her? Break her heart? Make her feel like she couldn’t trust even him with her biggest fears and darkest secrets?

It was easy to see how guilty he felt. It was a sight to behold: Freeridge’s scariest cholo sitting in a hospital room, head in his hands and at a loss for words. If Mari was the kind of person she wished sometimes she could be, she would tell him exactly how he made her feel; lonely and cold and uneasy. She almost wanted to rub salt in the wound, to make him feel worse and worse until somehow, on one cosmic plane or another, they were even.

But she couldn’t.

He had built her up and broken her down so many times until she was a lego house that only he knew how to build. She refused to do the same to him. Oscar had never been this honest with her, this vulnerable. She wanted to reach out and take his hand. She wanted to kiss him.

“Nothing happened, Oscar. I’m okay, really,” she assured him, hoping to bring him even a little comfort.

After a few seconds of silence, he confessed: “I miss having you around,”

She couldn’t help but smile.

“I miss being around. Even with the other Santos,” she told him, and it was true. She’d give a hundred days surrounded by cholos even if it meant only one more night with Spooky. But she was digging herself into a rabbit hole. Mari couldn’t keep thinking about him like that, so she changed the subject. “How did you find out I was here, anyway?”

“Ruben told me,” he ran a hand down his face as though that’d calm him down. “He thought I’d wanna know. Thought there was something goin’ on between us,”

Trying to lighten the mood, she flashed him a small grin; teasing and flirty and only for him. “Wasn’t there?”

He laughed, dimples and all.

“Yeah,” he said. “Yeah, I guess there was,”

There was a brief pause when their eyes met, the kind where the world stops spinning and it’s only them, and then he wrapped her small hand in his own.

“Look, Mari, I know you’re with High School now, and I’m happy for you, but I hope you know how I feel about you,”

Mari’s heart skipped a beat and her breath caught in her throat. He continued before she had a chance to speak.

“I didn’t choose this life. Being with you makes me wish there was a way out. But there ain’t. You were the one good thing I had going, Mariana, and I acted like a dick. I pushed you away because it’s easier if you hate me. When you’re around I just want shit I’m never gonna get,”

“Spooky,” she murmured, unable to muster much more than a breath, “just say the word and I’m yours. Trey, he...he’s nice but he’s not you. He’s not who I want to be with and you know that,”

The hand around hers tightened.

“I wanna be with you, the same way you do, but I’m a cholo and I don’t want you dragged into this the way I was. I may not like him but at least the kid’s normal, safe. He won’t hurt you,”

“I know the risks, Oscar. You talk about your life like I don’t know any better but I do. I’ve known the risks from the moment we met and I don’t care!”

She was expecting him to yell back, to scream and get angry like he always does. But he didn’t. He was calm as he looked her in the eye and told her: “I do. I care about you, Mari. What happens when I get my third strike, huh? Or when I get popped off? What happens to you in the aftermath? I can’t do that to you,”

Mari hated that he had a point, but he was talking in absolutes. Nothing was written in stone; there was no guarantee that he’d get a third strike, no way to know if he’d-

Well, she didn’t like to think about that last one.

“Am I interrupting something?” Trey asked, standing in the threshold of the hospital room. Oscar looked at him for only a minute before looking away as though his eyes burned. Mari couldn’t look at him at all.

“Nah,” Oscar said as he stood, “I was just leaving,”

The warmth of his hand left Mari’s as he reached up to cup her face. His thumb brushed over her cheekbone as he leaned in to press a soft kiss to her forehead.

“Look after yourself, mami,” he whispered, so low only she could hear. Then he left, not even sparing Trey another glance as he shoved past him and out the door.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

“That’s not a very scary costume,” Trey said as he picked Mari up from her house, a smile playing on his lips. “You look beautiful, though,”

Mari looked down at her makeshift costume. With Halloween as an excuse, she wore the dress that Abuelita had made her for her birthday - it was gorgeous, and it made her feel gorgeous too. It wasn’t every day she had that feeling.

She had paired the dress with a tall silver tiara, a bouquet of plastic roses and a sash (which was actually one of those _bride-to-be_ ones that she had turned inside-out) that she had written _MISS UNIVERSE_  on in black sharpie.

“Why thank you,” she said with a curtsy and then looked him up and down. He wore a black and white striped suit with a black button-up, his hair looked like he had stuck his hand in an electrical socket and he had black circles painted messily around his eyes. “You look...sleep-deprived,”

“Oh come on, _Beetlejuice_ is a classic!” He said with so much enthusiasm that Mari almost got excited with him. Almost, but feelings like happiness and excitement and enthusiasm were hard to come by lately.

Her trip to the hospital hadn’t helped much. Latisha was great; she was kind and gentle and did everything she could to make Mari feel comfortable, but she still couldn’t bring herself to smile.

Trey and Ruben had been there the whole time, so she should have felt supported, yet she had still felt alone.

Jamal had been ecstatic when Mari had bought him home a real hospital gown for his costume, but as much as she forced a smile for him, she still couldn’t feel the excitement.

Her blood test results would be back in a few days, and they said they weren’t expecting to find anything unusual, but she was still terrified.

But she wouldn’t tell anyone that, they would only worry and it wasn’t worth it. She would be fine, she reminded herself, she was just being melodramatic.

“Wouldn’t know, haven’t seen it,” Mari shrugged as they walked to Trey’s front door.

“What?” he gasped, feigning shock as he fumbled for his keys

As she waited, Mari took in Trey’s house. It was the first time she’d seen it, but the rundown shack before her was the last place she had expected Trey to live. Smaller than the Martinez house and in worse condition than Oscar’s.

Unlocking the door and throwing it open, Trey gestured inside with a sort of 'after you' motion. When Mari stepped past the threshold, the first thing she noticed was a lack of furniture.

Against the far wall of the living room (that doubled as the entrance to the house, and connected straight to a small kitchen with no dining area) there was a small sofa with fabric tearing at the seams and foam popping out at the corners. There was an old, chunky flatscreen sitting atop a cubed-bookshelf that’d been turned on its side to double as a TV stand. Between the TV and the sofa sat a worn coffee table; the varnish on the wood had started peeling and one of the legs was being held together by duct tape.

This house was not the kind of place that a man in finance and a woman in events lived.

But Mari knew better than to say anything just yet. Instead, she smiled politely and let him usher her inside. As she stepped over the threshold, she remembered the first time she had walked into Spooky’s bedroom. It had been intimate, like he was showing her something that only she could see, it was exciting and scary all at the same time.

Walking into Trey’s house was nothing like that. It was scary, but only because it was unfamiliar. The walls were cold and the room was dark and mostly empty and nothing was _familiar_. Nothing felt safe. The moment she stepped inside she was on edge; her skin crawled and her mind screamed.

Telling herself that it was just her anxiety, reminding herself not to be so dramatic, she set herself down on the sofa. She fidgeted with the cushions on the couch, fidgeted with her dress and her sash. She crossed and uncrossed her legs, trying everything she could to be _comfortable_ , but no matter what she couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off.

“We only have generic brand soda and popcorn,” Trey said as he rushed to the kitchen, putting the popcorn in the microwave and getting two cans labeled _Cola_ from the fridge. “They’re still pretty good, though,”

Mari took the soda with a thank you and set it down on the coffee table, frowning. Even the Martinezes could afford better stuff, and they weren’t exactly rolling in spare change.

“Trey,” Mari called, straightening up as Trey placed _Friday the 13th_ in the DVD player - just another thing that made Mari question how much money his family could really have. “What is your family really doing in Brentwood?”

“Uh...” he scratched at the back of his neck and averted his gaze. The microwave beeped and he breathed a sigh of relief and bolted to the kitchen with a “popcorn’s ready.”

But Mari was persistent and stubborn and he wasn’t going to get out of it that easily. So she waited patiently on the sofa, arms crossed casually as the movie played in the background.

“What’s going on?” She asked the moment he stepped back into sight. Trey almost dropped the bowl of popcorn as he jumped at her voice, but tried to quickly compose himself.

“What do you mean?” He asked, placing the bowl down on the table and then settling down on the couch beside her. It was a little cramped, Mari had to shuffle her legs onto his lap just for the both of them to fit. One hand rested on her thigh, the other was thrown around her shoulder. Mari tried to lean into him, to feel those same sparks she felt when Oscar touched her this way, so pure but so intimate, but there was nothing.

“I mean I feel like I don’t know anything about you. You’ve seen me pass out and go to the hospital, you’ve met my family, and all I know about you is that your dad is in finance, you mom is in events and you moved here from Brentwood. But, Trey, is that even the truth? Because you haven’t said why you moved, to Freeridge, of all places, if your family has so much money?”

He averted her gaze, just for a second, and squeezed her thigh a little as though he needed a moment to build up the courage to speak again.

“It wasn’t really a...lie, you know?” He started, looking up at her like a kicked puppy, “I mean my dad _does_ work in finance, but he left me and my mom a couple of months ago. He got some big promotion that meant he had to move to Seattle. At first, he was gonna just take the commute, y’know? He got an apartment there so he could stay during the week and come home on weekends, but he uh, he liked the bachelor life. So he just stopped coming home, sent a lawyer to the house to serve mom the divorce papers and tell us that we had forty-eight hours to clear out of the house before it was put on the market,”

“So he just left you both with nothing? What about your mom, didn’t she have a job?”

There was a bitter edge to the way Trey laughed in response. “She was a suburban housewife with a rich husband, she never had to work. We were always taken care of, and then we weren’t. One of her old college friends hooked her up with this catering job, that’s where she is now, and this house was the only place we could afford. I got a job to help out, try and save up until we can move somewhere better,”

Mari’s heart hammered in her chest. This boy before her was nothing like the bumbling-but-loveable idiot she knew. Where he was usually bubbly and excitable, he was now solemn and serious. She realized now that he'd been through things too, and he was working harder than she had known to make things work. Maybe they had more in common than she had thought.

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this?” She whispered, searching his face for an answer.

He flashed her a weak smile as he met her gaze. “I’ve seen you with that other guy, I know I’m not very tough, or cool. I’m not a bad boy, I can’t compete with a guy in a gang, but I had to impress you somehow,”

A slow smile spread across Mari’s face at his confession. She hadn’t realized he’d tried so hard for her to notice him. Sitting up on her knees and shuffling closer to him, she decided that it was kind of endearing.

“And you thought that pretending you had money was the way to do that?”

Trey visibly gulped as she moved closer, so close he could smell her cherry lipgloss. “Um, yeah, I- I thought you’d like me more if you thought I could buy you nice things,”

Mari shook her head, dark curls falling over her shoulders.

“I like this better,” she said with a smile, “I like knowing you’re real, like the rest of us,”

Trey smiled back, his hand coming up to cup her face before sliding around to the nape of her neck. Her heart hammered, faster and faster until it hurt. This was the moment, she thought. They were alone and he was opening up and if this were a movie, this would be the moment.

It was bound to happen sooner or later, she knew that much. He had been sweet and patient and he deserved it. And she liked him enough. Truly, she did. The only thing she didn’t know was why it felt like this; why her chest was tight and her hands were shaking and why she wanted to run away screaming.

It shouldn’t feel like this. It never did with Oscar.

 _He isn’t Oscar_ , she told hers. This was Trey and he was her boyfriend and this was inevitable.

It was inevitable.

So she leaned into him and kissed him, trying not to pull away when he kissed her back. It was messy and unpracticed, whether that was because Trey had never kissed someone like this before - so intense and passionate - or because Mari had never kissed _him_ like this, she didn’t know. His tongue slid over her lower lip but he didn’t taste like Corona and cigars.

His free hand gripped at her hips and pulled her closer and closer until she was almost on his lap. He kissed her like he was trying to devour her, gripping her so tightly as though she’d disappear otherwise.

The touch of his skin didn’t make hers burn, but instead made it crawl. Deep in the pit of her stomach, where there should be excitement and desire, there was only fear and a strange, twisted feeling. She felt sick.

That feeling of discomfort that sat in her chest, that’d been there since they arrived, grew until it was about to burst. Tears sprung to her eyes, so she squeezed them shut to keep them from falling and jumped away from the boy beneath her.

“I can’t do this,” she muttered between gasps of breath, “I’m sorry, I’ll call you tomorrow. I have to go,”

Trey didn’t have a chance to chase after her as she grabbed her shoes and her plastic roses and raced out the door. She was halfway down the street by the time he had picked his jaw up off the floor and peeled himself off the couch.

The warm October air whipped against her face, her hair sticking to her tears as she walked. Harsh sobs racked her small body and she shook with every step. Her mind was racing; she had no idea why she had felt like that with him. She had been with Oscar before, why was it so hard with Trey? Wasn’t she over her irrational fear of intimacy?

She dreaded the thought of calling him the next day, but she knew she would have to. This date had been planned, she had known his parents would be gone, she knew the expectation. She knew what she was getting herself into, so why did she feel so panicked during the moment?

“Mariana?” An angry but familiar voice called. With a groan, she wiped desperately at her face but kept walking. Embarrassed and anxious, the last thing she wanted to do was tell Spooky what’d happened. She sped up when she heard Oscar tell the others to go in without him and then the sound of footsteps crossing the road to her.

“Hey, mami!” He called, closer this time. When she didn’t reply a rough hand grabbed at her arm, stopping her in her tracks.

“What?!” She snapped, though her voice broke.

The frustration on his face faded away into pure concern and the grip on her arm loosened just a little. She cursed and turned away, wiping frantically at her face as though that’d stop her tears and as though that would make Spooky forget he had seen it.

Why did he always have to see her like this?

Her body shook as a harsh sob ripped through her. The hand on her arm disappeared, just for a second, and then Oscar was wrapping his arms around her.

Head tucked safely under his chin, she let him hold her as she cried out all of her fear and frustration. His arms were thick and warm and he was holding her so firmly that she couldn’t escape even if she wanted to (and she didn’t want to).

“I’m sorry,” Mari whispered, referring to both the state she was in and the way her tears were staining his white tank. “I’m a mess, I-”

“Don’t do that, Mari,” he cut her off, his arms falling from her sides to take her bouquet of roses. “Don’t blame yourself. Come on, it’s not safe for you to be outside on Halloween. Let’s go inside,”

He took her hand and led her across the road and into the house. Letting him manhandle her, Mari didn’t say a thing as he sat her down on the couch, removed her sash and tiara then placed them with the flowers.

He disappeared into the kitchen for just a second and returned with a glass of water.

“Thank you,” she said with a grateful smile. Worried she might vomit from her whirlwind of emotions, she took only a small sip before putting it aside.

Spooky took the space on the couch beside her. Before Mari could protest, he grabbed her thighs and pulled her onto his lap, taking her back into his arms. Biting her inner cheek to hold back tears, she leaned into his chest and sighed, relishing in the feeling of his hand running through her dark curls.

“You gonna tell me what happened?” He asked, quietly but with a thinly veiled edge to his voice, an edge that told Mari he was pissed. “Because I swear to god, if that kid tried something that you didn’t want, I’m gonna beat his goddamn face in,”

“It’s not...” Mari shook her head, “it wasn’t like that. We were kissing and I just freaked out. It was _me_. There’s something wrong with me, Oscar. Trey, he…he was touching me and I wanted to be okay with it but I wasn’t; I felt disgusting and I felt scared and I just kept wishing it was _you_ ,”

The fingers threading through her hair paused for a second. Mari shuffled into a sitting position on his lap, her knees on either side of his hips and her dress hiked up to her thighs.

“Whenever someone touches me,” she continues, searching his eyes as though they held all the secrets to her mind, “I want to scream and cry and hide. But not you. I don’t feel like that with you. It’s...kinda the opposite. I always want you to touch me because you make me forget that it could ever be scary. How do you do that?”

He didn’t respond immediately, he couldn’t - somehow, this girl had rendered him speechless. There was so much he wanted to say; that he was sorry she felt like that with Trey but that he wasn’t sorry for how she felt with him, that he felt the same about her, that he was sorry he had tried to avoid it for so long.

But for a spelling-bee champ, Oscar was never very good with his words - not when he had to use them to tell another person how he felt. To admit his feelings would mean he had to let down the walls he had spent so long building, remove the mask he had perfected and though he was sure (as sure as he could be, at least) he was ready to let Mari in, it was hard to begin.

So he didn’t say anything. instead, Oscar let out a growl beneath his breath and without a second thought, he swooped up to capture her lips in a hungry kiss. One hand in her hair and the other hiking her dress further up her hips, he ran his tongue across her lips, tasting cherry and something unfamiliar.

And then he remembered.

Trey had kissed her. Something hot burned deep in the pit of his stomach. His insides twisted and he felt sick. Rage fuelled him as his grip on her tightened and his kisses bruised her lips. He hated that someone else got to do this; to touch her skin, even just to hold her. Oscar wanted that all to himself, he wanted her all to himself.

The cholo would be the first to admit that he wasn’t a very good person; he was aggressive and rash and selfish, and this was no excuse. He knew she had a boyfriend, and that she would probably regret this in the morning, but how could he stop himself when she was right here in his arms and telling him she wants him?

It would be a lie if he were to say he didn’t like being the one to make her smile, to make her feel beautiful and to turn her nightmares into daydreams. He wanted all of her. He wanted Mariana Martinez, mind, body and soul, and he would do whatever he had to do to make sure she knew that.

They had tried this before, no strings attached, but now as she let out a whine and kissed him like it would be the last time, Oscar thought that maybe he wouldn’t mind the strings. It shouldn’t have taken this - Mari running away from someone else in tears and finding comfort with him - to realize it. He couldn’t help but be angry at himself for putting her through this, all because he was too scared to admit his feelings - not to her, or even to himself, but to the world. He was Spooky, after all. He had a reputation; he was tough and scary and dangerous and he was falling for a girl from San Jose who looked like she could break at the slightest touch.

But she was so much stronger than she realized, and she had never been afraid.

Oscar refused to be afraid any longer.

“Oscar, please,” Mari breathed, leaning into him as his hands found their way behind her and then slipped beneath her panties.

“Tell me what you want, mami,” he whispered against her lips and squeezing lightly where his hands rested on her behind.

Mari remembered a time not too long ago when she was standing before this man, begging him to tell her what he wanted. He had refused her pleas and broken her heart but she was in no position to do the same. Oscar was what she wanted, in any way she could have him.

“I want you, Oscar,” she told him, a quiver in her voice as she remembered Trey, somewhere in the back of her mind. Guilt started to eat at her insides; she had a boyfriend and he was at home thinking that he was what she wanted when he couldn’t even compare.

Refocusing on the man before her, she pushed all other thoughts aside and ran her hands up his stomach to his chest, pulling his black wife-beater with her. He lifted his arms, allowing her to remove the clothing and throw it aside.

Peppering kisses across his bare chest, Mari rolled her hips slowly as Oscar let his head fall back and his eyes close in pleasure. Feeling him grow beneath her, she rocked her hips again, harder this time and letting a small moan escape her lips at the friction.

“Fuck, Mariana,” Oscar murmured, grabbing her hips and lifting her slightly. Mari stilled, kneeling above him as he reached between them to loosen his shorts, then lifted his hips just enough to push them down past his knees.

He licked his lips, pushing her panties aside and watching her lower herself onto him.

“You know I love you in that dress, mami,” he whispered, leaning in to kiss and nip at her neck as she adjusted to the feeling.

Oscar let her take the lead as she lifted and lowered her hips, fucking him slowly. She needed to take control of something; of Oscar and her sexuality. Mari needed this, he knew that and he would be damned if he wasn’t enjoying it.

His lips found her collarbone and her chest where her breasts were exposed above the neckline of the dress. He made sure to leave his mark; sucking and biting and licking to soothe the skin. He wanted everyone to know that she was taken.

Mari reached her climax quickly, finishing with a cry of Oscar’s name and burying her head into his broad shoulder. Her hips bucked and her movements became erratic as she rode him to climax. She watched with a smile as he came - it was a rush knowing that she could pull him apart and break him down like this. The effect she seemed to have on him made her feel powerful and confident and beautiful and she never wanted to lose that feeling. She never wanted to lose him.

Suddenly tired, as though the night’s events had only just caught up to her, she collapsed in his arms. He held her close, without a word, not sure exactly what to say first; does he apologize for how he’s acted? Does he thank her? Does he kiss her again and tell her that he’s ready to give her what she wants?

Spooky never got the chance to make that decision as his phone started to ring.

“Fuck,” he huffed, furious at the interruption. He wanted to ignore it, but he knew better - he was a leader and he had responsibilities.

Clearing her throat, Mari shuffled off of his lap. She pulled her dress down past her hips as Oscar reached for his phone and put it to his ear.

“What?” He snapped. Though his features softened as the person on the other end spoke, Oscar clearly didn’t like what they had to say as he frowned and pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration. “Yeah, okay. I’ll be there soon,”

Mari said nothing as she watched him, her heart sinking deeper and deeper with each passing second.

With a resigned sigh, he picked his clothes up off the floor.

“I gotta go,” he said, pulling his tank over his head and not holding her gaze for too long. “That was Cesar, they’ve got trouble in Brentwood. I’ll pick them up, make sure Ruby’s okay for you,”

Mari offered a small smile and nodded. “Thanks, Oscar,”

How could she be so naive to think things would be different this time? Of course, he had no problem leaving; this was just a quick fuck to him, it always was between them. Spooky didn’t care that she had a boyfriend, he didn’t care that she had just betrayed someone else to be with him, he only cared about getting what he wanted.

He should’ve left her out there on the street.

“Can you stay?” He asked all of a sudden, crossing the room to her and bringing a hand up to cup her face. This wasn’t how he had wanted the night to end, but he didn’t have time to get into everything he wanted to say right now. “Just wait here until I get back?”

Although she nodded, it was a lie - she would be long gone soon after he left.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

Thinking back on it, Mari realized that she may have overreacted a little by running off on Oscar the other night. There was a certain softness in his eyes when he had looked at her, a genuineness when he had asked her to stay that she had been too ashamed (and maybe a little too scared of rejection) to let herself notice at the time. It hadn’t been for very long, and it hadn’t been anything real, sh had Oscar that night on Halloween; for the time they were together, he had been hers, all of him.

Now she was back where she started, with a head full of _what-ifs_. What if she had never moved to Freeridge? What if Oscar hadn’t come to her rescue when the Prophet$ rolled up on her? What if Geny hadn’t closed the door and Oscar hadn’t had to rescue her then, too? What if she hadn’t snuck out on her birthday? What if Trey hadn’t interrupted them at the hospital? What if she hadn’t fallen in love with someone who seemed intent on not loving her back?

What if she hadn’t left the other night?

Even though she knew it was no use dwelling on things like that, she couldn’t seem to stop it. The thoughts were crashing in like a tidal wave, flooding her mind with every waking moment and she was powerless to stop it.

It was all quickly becoming too much. She was drowning, but up until now, she had been holding her breath, desperate to fight it and get her head above water. Up until now, she hadn’t questioned whether the struggle was worth it. Now she wondered if maybe it would be easier to just let go and take a breath.

It certainly didn’t help that time seemed to be mocking her. Each second that ticked by added a little more weight to her chest until she felt like she couldn’t breathe like she was inching closer and closer to a bomb that would go off at any second. She had been waiting in the reception room of the medical clinic for almost an hour - she had even arrived early so not to miss her appointment but they had yet to call her name.

The waiting was the worst part. All she wanted was to know what was wrong with her (though she’d bet they needed more than just a blood test to figure that out). She wanted to know why she had passed out and why she was constantly feeling so rundown, even when things were looking up.

She didn’t want to come off as impatient but her nerves were getting the better of her as her fingers tapped against the arm of the small plastic chair. The place wasn’t even busy. Aside from her, there were only three other people in the waiting room; an older man with greying hair who was leaning on his walker, and a young mother with dark curls that resembled Mari’s who was bouncing a fussing baby on her knee.

The baby was crying, screaming like he had it worse than Mari. The young woman offered a bottle that the baby didn’t want and shushed him under her breath but it went unnoticed as the baby continued to cry. She was so young yet she had so much responsibility - Mari wondered how she did it, how she coped with it all. She definitely didn’t envy her.

She almost envied the baby though. A part of her wished she could just open her mouth and scream, but she knew it wouldn’t do any good. She had to be positive and every single day she had to do her best with the life she was given.

“Mariana Martinez?” The doctor finally called.

“Uh, yeah,” Mari responded as she fumbled out of her seat, “that’s me,”

The doctor was a middle-aged white lady - a lady who looked a little too like her mother for comfort. Although they looked eerily alike, the subtle differences were striking; where her mother’s hair was dark blonde and matted, the doctor’s hair was light and neatly styled, her cheekbones were high but her face was less sunken and she had sharp lips that were pulled into a kind smile instead of an unamused pout. This woman was happy, healthy.

The woman smiled and nodded her head in a “follow me” sort of gesture. The clipboard in her hand was setting Mari even further on edge. A clipboard meant bad news, right? If it were good news they would have told her over the phone.

Despite the desperate need for something to ease her tension, they didn’t say anything until they had reached the office.

“Sorry about the wait,” the doctor said as she closed the door behind them. Mari sank into the armchair across from the desk, relishing in the way the cushions felt against her exhausted muscles. She had a feeling that this moment of comfort would be the last one she’d get to have for a while, so she was going to enjoy it while she could. “I’m doctor Judy O’Connor. I’m sorry it took so long to get your labs back, unfortunately, we don’t have a pathologist here in Freeridge,”

“That’s okay,” Mari responded, sinking into the chair as doctor O’Connor sat on the other side of the desk.

“How are you feeling?”

The tightness in Mari’s chest vanished as she let out a quick laugh. How was she feeling? That was a loaded question, so she settled on the simplest answer.

“I mean, I’m a little scared,” she admitted, “there’s obviously something wrong for me to be sitting here right now,”

Doctor O’Connor shook her head, looking down at the clipboard that held Mari’s test results.

“I don’t believe there’s anything to be scared of, however, I did notice something in the results that wasn’t mentioned to me by the nurse, or in any of the hospital reports,” she set the clipboard down on her desk and folded her hands. The way she leaned in ever so slightly set Mari on edge, like she was gauging the younger girl’s reaction, ready to jump in if things went south. “I don’t think there’s an easy way to say this, so I apologize. Mariana, do you know that you’re pregnant?”

 _No_.

No, she wasn’t.

She had taken a test and it was negative, right? She hadn’t had her period for a few months, and she had been feeling a little bloated lately, but those were just side effects of the pill. She wasn’t pregnant, she couldn’t be.

“It’s possible the test was a false negative,” the doctor told her. Mari hadn’t even realized she’d said those things aloud. Clenching her hands into fists until her nails pierced the skin of her palms, Mari tried to focus on the woman before her. “And you’re right, those are side effects of the pill, but judging by these test results I’d say you’re almost six months along,”

It couldn’t be true, she told herself. It couldn’t be true because if it were, that would mean that she was pregnant the whole time she was drinking and getting high. It would mean she was pregnant the whole time she wasn’t sleeping or eating.

If it were true it would mean she was already a bad mother, before she ever got the chance to try and be a good one. Maybe things like this were genetic.

“But I’m not- I don’t even look pregnant!” Mari stammered, grasping at straws for any shred of doubt, any hope that the results could be wrong.

“That’s actually more common than it seems. There are several reasons that you may not show during pregnancy, but it’s most likely the baby is in a posterior position, meaning their spine is against yours. We’ll need an ultrasound to know any more,”

Sure, it was the kind of thing that was common enough to have a reality show about it but sure as hell not so common that you ever plan for it to happen. It had happened though, and she had to move on and live with it, but how? She was sure she couldn’t keep working, god forbid she tell Geny and Ruben, they surely wouldn’t allow her to bring something like this into her home. She had enough money for a motel for a few nights but beyond that would be touch and go.

Not to mention she didn’t even know what she wanted to do. Would she keep it? The alternative was terrifying. Either way, she knew she had to choose, and either way, she knew she would never be the same.

Mari wished she had any delusions about who the father was, but if she really was almost six months along then there was only one person who it could be.

“Now, Mariana,” Doctor O’Connor continued, saving Mari the pain of having to even think his name, “I think we need to discuss your options,”

 

. : ♱ : .

 

Two lines.

Two small, pink lines. That’s all it took for the crushing weight of reality to squander what little doubt, what little hope, Mari had left. Doctor O’Connor had given Mari a pregnancy test, along with letting her keep a copy of the official blood test results, hoping that it would help Mari come to accept the truth.

The truth was that none of this was her fault; the whole situation was outside of her control, but she was the one who had to live with the consequences. The truth was that she was pregnant and stuck in Freeridge, the baby’s father completely out of the picture. Mari saw the truth for what it was; she was just like her mother at this age.

Panic tightened around her like an invisible corset, squeezing and squeezing until she couldn’t breathe. Discarding the god-forsaken stick in the trashcan beside her, Mari dropped to her knees and let all her pain and anger leave her body as she retched into the toilet bowl. Bile burned the back of her throat, sweat covered her forehead catching strands of hair like a spider’s web and she held the test results in her clenched fist. She held on so tight her knuckles started to pale. It was as though she just couldn’t let go, as if letting go would mean acceptance and she just wasn’t ready for that quite yet.

Mari didn’t pick herself up off the floor until she heard the others come home. As noiselessly as possible, she washed her face as Olivia, Monse and Jasmine headed to hers and Olivia’s shared room. Desperate not to make a sound, she rinsed the foul taste from her mouth as Ruby pitched his new business idea to Jamal.

As an avid reader of magazines (although she usually skipped right to the horoscopes) it was hard not to see all the pregnancy horror stories; how people never quite lost the weight, their bodies were never quite the same, the way the post-natal depression brought them down despite their months of excitement. No matter what she chose, to keep it or not, she would be irrevocably changed, mind and body.

Maybe it was shallow to even think it, but she was just eighteen and she was only starting to feel confident in her body. She thanked Oscar for that, but now that confidence was being taken from her, too.

She wasn’t ready for this, any of this. Here she was, hiding in a bathroom too afraid to step outside and face her friends and family just in case they figured it out. If other people knew then she had to face it and she couldn’t do that, so she sat and she waited and she didn’t even care if she looked ridiculous later on when everyone was home and wondering where she had been. She just needed more time to be alone.

Well, as alone as she could be right now.

Before she had any time to process, a few things happened in rapid succession. First, only separated by a few walls, Mari heard the front door slam. The sound made her jump, but when she heard police sirens blaring, followed by Jasmine screaming, her heart began to race. Had something happened to someone while she was in here wallowing in self-pity?

And then, lastly, she heard it. The deep, rough voice that she knew too well, the voice that haunted all of her favorite daydreams. The voice that, right now, made her want to disappear. What was Oscar doing here?

Instinctively, her body stilled. If he knew she was here…she wasn’t ready to face him, not like this. Her eyes were red from crying all morning, she still felt nauseous (and she was sure her breath was terrible), and her shoulders were slumped like she just didn’t have the energy to _try_ anymore.

This wasn’t how she wanted to see him. He was sure to see the test results, if not he definitely couldn’t miss the pregnancy test. He would know in an instant. Not to mention she would have to explain why she didn’t wait for him on Halloween. She would have to tell him, again, that she just couldn’t take the rejection, that she wanted more. And then she would have to stand there and take the rejection anyway and she just couldn’t do that.

What she hadn’t realized was that while she was here, hoping to any god that would listen that she wouldn’t have to see him, she had stopped trying to listen to what was going on outside. But by the time she had realized it, it was already too late.

She heard that gruff voice ask “where can I take this?”

“There’s no one in the bathroom,” Ruby responded.

 _Shit,_ she thought, wondering if there was any possible way for her to get out of this.

But there wasn’t, and the gods were not on her side as the bathroom door opened and Oscar stepped inside.

Mari’s heart caught in her throat as she pushed back against the anxiety that was flooding her veins and held her breath. Her heard was hammering so hard and fast against her ribcage she wondered if he could hear it, but he didn’t seem to notice her immediately.

“Sí, sí, me ocuparé de eso. Estaré allí,” he said into the phone. Mari used his brief moment of distraction as an opportunity to just…look at him. Thick, tanned arms glistened with sweat, his brow furrowed and his dimples were still visible, even when he wasn’t smiling. This man was beautiful and, like the naive girl she had always been, Mari was falling in love with him.

And then, like he could sense her thoughts, he turned around and he saw her. He kept the phone pressed to his ear but the way his features softened as he saw her said he was no longer listening. All Oscar cared about right now was the state that she was in; her eyes were red from crying, her hair was a mess and she looked far too pale. Still, he was happy to see her.

“Let me call you back,” he said to whoever was on the other line and promptly hung up the phone, not bothering to wait for a response. Turning his body to fully face her, he took a couple of tentative steps toward her; enough to be closer, but not enough to penetrate her personal space, just in case she didn’t want him there.

A beat passed between them, as though the universe was giving them a moment to breathe before the whirlwind started again.

Breaking the silence, Oscar murmured a small “hey,”

Mari looked up at him beneath her thick, tear-dampened lashes and uttered a small “hi,” in response. She cursed the way her voice broke, she hated looking weak in front of Oscar. But she wasn’t ready for him to talk yet - if he talked he was going to ask questions and she would have to answer them, so she asked first. “What are you doing here?”

Oscar gestured to the door and said, as though it was supposed to answer anything, “lockdown,”

“And you just ended up locked in my house?”

“One of the homies was shot. Cesar wasn’t answering his phone, thought he might be here,” he glanced down at the floor and added, “and I hoped I’d run into you,”

Her heart stopped beating for just a moment. Did he just say that? Did Oscar Diaz, feared Santo, just admit that he came here, at least partially, to see her? What on earth was this man trying to do to her?

“You weren’t there” he continued, “the other night, when I got back,”

She sighed, “I…”

She what? She was scared of her feelings, ashamed that she had cheated on Trey, guilty that she didn’t feel guilty about it. There was nothing she could say that would make the situation any better, so she did what she was best at and deflected the question.

“What would you have said if I had stayed?” She asked, her voice growing louder as she feigned defense while desperately hoping he would be honest and just tell her.

He took another step closer.

“I’ll tell you when you answer me,” he countered. It was times like these that Mari wished he didn’t know her so well.

She slumped and ran a hand through her hair, avoiding his gaze. “I was scared, okay? Shocking, I know. But I had just cheated on a really, really good guy with someone who has made it clear he doesn’t want anything more and I…Oscar, I still want more, okay? I was in a bad place and I just couldn’t deal with you telling me no again,”

“What if I wasn’t gonna say no this time?” He said it so soft she thought she was hearing things, but when she looked up into those sparkling brown eyes she knew he was telling the truth. “I was gonna say that I want you. That I hated seeing you cry over some douchebag who doesn’t deserve to touch you and that I liked being the one to make you feel good again. I don’t care what your family or the cholos have to say about it; I want the same thing you do, mami,”

She couldn’t believe her ears. Any other day she would’ve been over the moon to hear this but today…today it felt like one more thing she couldn’t have. It wouldn’t be fair to bring him into this, so she couldn’t accept what he was telling her. For one, she had to be the one to break his heart.

“I can’t,” she didn’t look at him as she stood, “I’m sorry but I can’t be with you,”

Oscar’s fist clenched at his side and he squeezed his eyes shut as though wishing it away would undo the words she had just said. He couldn’t be hearing this, not when he just let her in for the first time.

“Mariana,” he breathed, his voice almost pleading, “if this is because of how I-”

“Trust me, Oscar, this isn’t about you,” she made for the door but a pair of hands on her waist stopped her. He pulled her into him and wrapped his arms around her, holding her there even if it was only for one last time.

Mari couldn’t do it. She couldn’t stand here and let him hold her like everything was the same because it wasn’t. Her life was about to change and she wasn’t the same girl she was yesterday. So, mustering all of her strength and willpower, she placed her fists on his chest and pushed - forgetting all about the test results that were still in her hand.

Oscar frowned at the paper she was holding, noting the name of a medical clinic on the header.

“What’s that?” He asked with a nod. Mari shot away from him and hid the results behind her back, like that would erase them from his mind.

It didn’t, and Oscar wasn’t having it. He lunged forward and reached behind her, snatching the paper from her hands before she could even think to stop him.

“Oscar!” She cried, reaching out for him, but it was no use. The moment his soft features contorted into a look of shock and hurt and anger, Mari knew it was too late.

And then the lights went out.

She was almost grateful that she couldn’t see the look on his face because that look had cut deep into her soul and she felt like she was bleeding out. He was angry. Her life was being flipped upside down, and he was angry.

“Fuck, Mari,” he hissed in the darkness, “were you even going to tell me about this?”

Oh, _that's_ why he was angry. Of course, he thought he got her pregnant and then had the nerve to be pissed about it.

Why did things like this keep happening to her? Why was it that she was always having to bear the consequences of other people’s actions? Anxiety at the hands of her mother’s abuse, starvation due to her mother’s addiction, and now this. She was sick of it.

With a bitter laugh, Mari fought back tears.

“Well you don’t have to worry, Spooky,” she spat, “the baby isn’t yours,”

All of a sudden he was standing barely an inch from her, she felt the warmth of his body, could smell the cigar on his breath. Mari didn’t need to see his face to know how it looked, she could tell from the way his shoulders tensed and his breath came out in short puffs. If she could see him, she’d say that his brow was probably knitted together, his nostrils flared and his lips pressed together in a tight line.

“See that don’t make no sense to me, Mariana, because I know you didn’t fuck Trey,” his voice was deep and thick with refrained anger. Her body shook; not because she was scared of him but because she knew was going to be forced to tell the truth, to face her past and let someone else in on it. “And you said I was the first guy that...”

He looked away, his words trailing off as though the mere thought of someone else touching her rendered him unable to speak.

And then, with as much strength and bravado, as she could muster despite her hammering heart and icy veins, Mari spoke for him.

“My mother’s boyfriend,” she said, her voice much smaller than she had hoped it would be, “He raped me. That’s why I left, why I came here. I’m sorry if I wanted to convince myself that that didn’t count,”

Once again she found herself glad that he couldn’t see her because her chest constricted and tears sprung to her eyes. She said it.

She said it.

It was real.

It happened and she couldn’t repress those memories anymore.

Her lungs burned as she gasped for air. A small light came from somewhere beside her but she barely registered it as her vision blurred. And then she was in Oscar’s arms again, but this time she didn’t fight it. This time, she let her arms wind around his middle and she sobbed into his chest.

Oscar’s hand gently ran through her hair. He wanted to say something, anything to make her hurting stop, but he knew there was nothing he could say. All he could do was hold her, and he was more than happy to do that.

They stood like that for a while, silently wrapped up in each other with only the light of the flashlight from Oscar’s phone. Eventually, Mari stopped crying. When she had calmed down a little more, she sat atop the closed toilet lid, Oscar only leaving the bathroom to get her a glass of water.

“You gonna keep it?” He asked, well aware that it was none of his business, but wanting to be there for her regardless. He knew her better than she thought he did, better than anyone knew her, and she wouldn’t tell anyone if she wasn’t pushed to it. And if she didn’t tell anyone, it would destroy her.

Mari shrugged. “I don’t know. I made an appointment anyway, for two weeks. Doc said that’s as much time as I have to decide,”

“You know,” he said, resting his hands atop hers as he crouched to her level. The last thing he wanted to do was intimidate her, and though she wasn’t usually scared of him, she was vulnerable right now and he didn’t want to trigger any alarms that may be lying dormant in the back of her mind. “I’m still in this, Mari,”

Lifting her chin, Mari looked up to meet his deep brown eyes. Her gaze trained on his, she searched for the lie she had convinced herself he was telling. He couldn’t mean it, could he? And if he did, she couldn’t let him. Just because her own life was ruined didn’t mean she had to drag him down with her.

Releasing a shaky breath and a shake of her head, she said “I never wanted any of this. I never wanted you caught up in my mess,”

The corner of his lips twitched up into a smirk (the kind that was teasing yet genuine and never failed to make her insides melt) and he gave a half-shrug.

“Too bad, I’m caught. I’m gonna be here for you every step of the way, okay? I’m not about to let you deal with this alone,”

No, she refused to burden him with this. “Oscar, as much as I appreciate it, I can take care of myself,”

“No doubt, mami, I know you can,” his smirk grew to a wide, exuberant grin. “But you aren’t just looking out for yourself anymore; now you gotta take care of someone else. I have a little experience with that. And I meant what I said before, I want in, nena. It’s gonna take more than a kid to scare me off, Mariana,”

And he meant every word.

Oscar had spent so long being afraid of the things she made him feel. He wasn’t about to waste any more time that he could be spending with her; Mariana Martinez was the one thing in this damned world that made him feel truly happy, he wasn’t willing to lose that feeling.

Slowly, Mari broke into a smile as his words sunk in - Oscar wanted this, wanted _her_. Without a second thought, she leaned in and captured his lips. Her hands found the back of his neck while his arms snaked around her waist. He pulled her closer into him and allowed her legs to wind around his torso as he grabbed her by the thighs.

Oscar stood, lips still on hers, Mari still wrapped around him without even an inch of space between them. _This_. This was that happy feeling he was thinking about earlier - the taste of cherry lipgloss and the weight of being a Santo lifted from his shoulders and her curls falling around his face and just, for once, he wasn’t Spooky. With her, he was just Oscar.

And then the lights came back on.

Breaking the kiss, Mari smiled up at him. Oscar smiled back and ran the tip of his nose softly against the bridge of hers.

And then his phone buzzed and it was back to reality, but the dream wasn’t over - they both knew this was far from the end.

With an almost inaudible sigh, Oscar checked his phone.

“It’s Santos stuff,” he said, “I gotta head out,”

Mari nodded. She understood that she couldn’t always be his priority, but it still felt good to know she was one.

“Go,” she offered a smile as she gestured to the door. Oscar couldn’t seem to control his smile as he pressed another kiss to her cheek. It wasn’t often that Mari had the chance to see this side of him, the side that was pure joy, but she loved it.

As she watched him turn his back to leave, all her old insecurities crept back up to the surface. They had been in this position before - happy and kissing and seemingly on the same page, and then he leaves and all of a sudden they’re in completely different books. She couldn’t let this end the same.

“Wait, Oscar,” she called. Without hesitation, Oscar turned back at the sound of her voice. “We’re together, right? I mean, I…it sounds stupid, I know, I just kinda gotta hear it,”

Oscar smiled once more, that deep, dimpled smile, and he nodded. “Yeah, mami. You my girl,”

Her face lit up in a smile that rivaled his own and she crossed the room to kiss him just one more time.

“Just do me one favor; don’t mention it yet. I want the Martinezes to hear it from me first,”

“You got it, nena,”

With one last kiss to her forehead, he was gone. But Mari didn’t mind, because he was hers, and he would be back.

Mari snickered as she heard Spooky yell “y’all messed up!” There was a certain amusement in his tone, a light to his voice that Mari loved being the cause of.

She waited a few more minutes until all the commotion died down before she finally left the bathroom. As she did, she felt like some of the fog that’d been blurring her mind finally cleared. In all honesty, she didn’t know exactly where she was going from here but she wasn’t feeling as lost as she was before.

Maybe it was the rose-colored glasses she was seeing the world from at the moment, maybe he was just always on her mind, but for whatever reason, when a knock sounded at the front door Mari was _sure_ that it would be Oscar. After all, who else could it be?

Boy, was she wrong.

Because standing there, on the other side of the door, was her mother and the man that haunted all of her nightmares.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

Mari didn’t know how long she stood there, paralyzed with fear, feet rooted to the floor, but it was long enough for Mallory to force the door open at the exact moment Mari tried to slam it shut. She stumbled back a little from the force but recovered in time to take two large steps back away from them.

“Now,” Mallory growled as she stepped over the threshold and into the Martinez house, “is that any way to treat your mother?”

Mallory was in better condition than when Mari last saw her, though that wasn’t saying much. Her blonde hair had been washed, her clothes too. Her bangs, usually choppy and uneven as she had cut them herself, were straight and fell almost gracefully over her blue eyes.

To the untrained eye, Mallory looked healthy. So did Doyle, with an evenly trimmed five-o’clock shadow and a crisp blue button-down. To an outsider, they looked like a normal family, and that scared Mari more than anything; their ability to blend, to lie, so well.

Mari glanced around, past Mallory’s cold blue eyes and thin but towering frame, desperately searching for some way to escape. There was no way out though, she knew better than that. The only way to go from here was deeper into the house and she wasn’t about to corner herself, nor was she about to lead these people further into her last safe space.

“What are you doing here?” Mari asked weakly, though she was barely able to hear herself over the pounding of her heart and the blood rushing in her ears.

Mallory’s boyfriend, Doyle, pushed past her as he made his way to Mari.

“We missed you,” he smiled the kind of smile that, to someone who didn’t know better, looked genuine and kind. But Mari knew better, and his lecherous gaze betrayed any innocence his words may have held. “But this game of yours has gone on long enough. Your mother and I think it’s time you come home,”

He lunged forward and reached out for Mari but she jumped back before she could be caught in his grasp. The thought of his skin on hers was enough to bring the bile back up to her throat. He would never touch her again, she wouldn’t let him.

A sharp pain shot through her as she collided with a table in her attempt to evade his grip. The framed photos on the table clattered and fell. A crystal vase filled with red and orange flowers toppled over the edge and hit the floor, shattering upon impact.

“I’m not coming back,” she said, remembering she wasn’t alone and feeling a little bolder (as though Ruby or Olivia would be able to stop either of them were they to try anything). “You need to leave,”

They couldn’t hurt her here. This was her territory, her home, her family. They didn’t belong here but she did. She wouldn’t let them make her think otherwise.

“Mari?” Ruby’s voice called. She glanced over her shoulder toward the source of his voice, only to find him stopped at the end of the hall, eyes wide and hands balled into fists at his sides. He was scared.

This was his home and he was _scared_ , because of her. What had she been thinking? Of course, she didn’t belong here. The Martinezes were a family, hell, Freeridge was a family; dysfunctional at times but ultimately ready to protect its own.

Ruben and Geny were amazing parents, protective and caring and Ruby got those traits from them. This home was safe for him, had always been safe for him. Now Mari had let these people invade that safe space, not just her own but Ruby’s too. She had put them all in danger just by coming here, and she had been stupid to think they wouldn’t follow.

“What was that noise?” Ruby asked, not daring take another step forward. “Who are these people?”

“It’s nothing, Ruby,” she said, shooting him a desperate look. Doyle took a step closer to her. “Please just go back to your room,”

Ruby shook his head.

“I’ll call the cops,” Ruby glanced at Mari, and then at the man making his way slowly but surely towards her. Despite being four years younger than his sister, Ruby felt some sort of instinct to protect her rise up inside him - though he was barely five-foot, what could he do? Nothing. But he knew who could. “I’ll call Spooky!”

“Ruby, no!” Mari shot back. She didn’t want to involve Oscar, not yet. When all was said and done (and Mallory and Doyle were gone) she would tell him, but if he knew what was happening right now, well...Mari didn’t think it would end well for Doyle or Oscar, and he couldn’t afford a third strike.

“Mallory?” Another voice chimed in.

Doyle stopped in his tracks.

Mari breathed a sigh of relief; shad never been so happy to hear Geny’s voice.

“What are you doing here?” Geny continued, her words filled with a genuine concern that made Mari feel just a little bit safer, a little bit more at home.

“I’m here for my daughter,” Mallory spat with a bitterness that Mari was sure had been festering for almost twenty years. “She’s been here long enough. It’s time she comes home,”

Like a lioness protecting its cub, brow furrowed, lips pursed, Geny stepped to Mallory. For the first time in maybe forever, Mari thought that Mallory looked small. For the first time, she didn’t look indestructible; she looked human.

“Was that Mari’s choice, or yours?”

“I’m her mother; all her choices are mine to make,”

Geny’s eyebrows shot up to her hairline. “Oh, no they aren’t. Mari is eighteen; she doesn’t need a legal guardian. I understand that you are her mother and I can’t stop you from being in her life, but I can stop you from being in this house. Now, get out before I call the police,”

With visible reluctance, Mallory huffed and grabbed at Doyle.

“Come on,” she said to him before her piercing gaze landed on Mari, “we’ll come back when she’s alone,”

Doyle shot her an almost amused smirk, his beady eyes darkening as he whispered, “You got lucky today, but I’ll be seeing you again soon, sweetheart,”

Dread filled her entire being. Her blood turned to ice as she watched them leave, knowing that this wasn’t the end. After all this time, they had found her; she doubted they would leave without a fight.

The door shut with a slam and the invisible hand that had been wrapped around her throat loosened just enough to let her gasp for air. And then, Geny rushed forward and took Mari into her arms.

It was the first time Geny had held Mari like this; like they were family. It was a good, warm feeling that Mari didn’t want to let go of just yet so she let herself be held, let herself be small and protected.

“Mija,” Geny said with the softest tone as she pulled away, “are you alright?”

To her surprise, Mari nodded, despite her racing heart. Maybe she was still in shock, or maybe her mind was just taking its time catching up to her body, but she felt okay; her eyes burned but no tears fell, her chest heaved but breathing came easy. Right now, Mari was in a blissful state of comfortably numb, and that’s what scared her most.

Shouldn’t she be terrified? Shouldn’t she feel violated and fear for her safety? Probably, but she felt none of that, only tired. Nothing they did could be worse than anything they’d already done to her; there was no point being afraid and there was nowhere left to run.

All she knew was that she was desperate to feel something, to remember that she was alive and she wasn’t alone, but she also knew she wouldn’t find that here. There was only one person who had ever made her feel like that.

Itching to at least speak to Oscar, Mari did her best to pacify Geny’s worries.

“I’m okay,” she said, offering as much of a smile as she could muster, “I mean, I knew Trey called them when I was in hospital. When they turned up, it...it just caught me off guard, that’s all,”

Geny’s face hardened, almost as though she didn’t quite believe her. “I’m calling the police,”

“And tell them what?” She asked, part curiosity and part cynicism, “That my mother is here to get me because I ran away when I was seventeen and came to live with people I’d never met?”

Geny said nothing and Mari almost felt bad for discouraging her. Still, she continued. “They won’t help me, Geny,”

It was a waste of time, Mari knew that better than anyone. She had called the cops on Mallory more times than she could count, for worse things than this, and yet here they were. Her mother and Doyle, they were smart - never left visible bruises, always made sure there was food in the house (even if Mari was never allowed to eat any of it), always had an alibi.

It scared Mari every time she saw it, but Mallory knew exactly how to turn it on, knew exactly how to play the caring parent as easy as flipping a switch in her brain. To the adults of the outside world, Mari was nothing but a delusional kid.

“We’ll talk about this more when your father gets home,” Geny conceded and Mari knew the conversation was over.

As Geny marched past into the kitchen, Mari shuffled on shaky legs over to the sofa. Pulling her phone out of her pocket as she collapsed into the welcoming cushions, she opened her contacts and immediately settled on one; _Oscar_.

Her thumb hovered over the message icon, but somehow she couldn’t bring herself to tap it. He had just been here, surely it was too soon to ask him to come back and see her. She didn’t want to be desperate and she didn’t want to be annoying, but she didn’t really want to be here right now either, and she definitely didn’t want to be with anyone but him.

Stopping her from overthinking it any longer, the couch dipped beside her as Ruby took a seat.

“Hey,” he said, “I know you told mom you’re okay but…I mean, are you? That guy didn’t look like he was playing around, Mari,”

“I am,” Mari smiled at him and offered a small shake of her head, “I’m sorry you had to see that, but Ruby, please, if they ever come here again don’t try to protect me. They’re dangerous. I won’t risk this family getting hurt,”

This time, Ruby shook his head. “You know we all want you to be safe; that includes mom. This family is your family, Mari. Don’t forget that,”

And then, as if that unlocked whatever it was inside of her that’d been closed off, tears flooded her eyes and she swooped down to wrap her arms around her little brother. He was right; this is her family and Freeridge is where she belonged, where she always should’ve been.

When tears slowly started to fall, that’s when Mari let go. If she started crying now she knew she wouldn’t stop, not for a while, and she wasn’t ready to deal with that emotional tidal wave just yet. So instead, she let go of Ruby, wiped her eyes and leaned back as she toyed with the idea of texting Oscar.

“And,” Ruby suddenly continued, glancing between the phone in her hand and the conflicted look in her eye, “as your family, you know I only want the best for you, so I gotta ask; is there something going on between you and Spooky?”

The phone tumbled out of Mari’s grip and fell to the floor as she gaped at his words.

“I- what?” She stammered; hadn’t they been careful? Hadn’t she been sure not to let anything slip since Mario found out? Though she supposed it didn’t matter now, not since they had agreed that they were together.

Ruby picked the phone up off the floor and gestured to the screen. “I mean, it’s kinda obvious. You’re always with him and when you aren’t with him, you’re texting him,”

“Spooky and I are…” her sentence trailed off. What were they? A couple? An item? There was something about calling Oscar her _boyfriend_ that seemed so juvenile and so basic when Mari knew that their relationship was much more than that. Besides, she didn’t want the lecture she was sure to get when she told him, so instead, she settled on something a little less definitive. “We’re a…thing, it’s still pretty new. I’d really appreciate it if you could keep this between us, at least for now. I want Ruben and Geny to hear it from me when the time is right,”

Ruby nodded, but Mari could tell that wasn’t the end of it.

“As bad as I’m sure your mom is, Mari you gotta remember that Spooky’s a cholo, okay? He runs a gang, that shits dangerous too. You have to be careful or this thing is only gonna end in blood and heartbreak. For now,” Ruby looked down at the phone and tapped the little green icon beneath Oscar’s name before handing it back to Mari, “you should just talk to him,”

Mari went to protest, but it was already dialing so she sucked in a deep breath and pressed the phone to her ear.

He answered on the second ring. “ _Yo mami, qué pasa?_ “

A shaky breath escaped Mari’s lips at the sound of his voice.

“Oscar, hi. I’m sorry, this is gonna sound so stupid,” on the other end of the phone, Oscar shook his head to himself - he wanted to say that she was never stupid for calling him, but he couldn’t will the words to come out so he stayed silent as she continued. “I know you were just here, and I know you’re busy, but do you think you could give me a call when you’re free?”

His brow furrowed a little in concern. “ _I’m almost done here. Are you good_?”

“Yeah,” she lied through her teeth, “I just kinda need you right now,"

For just a second, although he’d never admit it, Oscar’s heart stopped at the sound of Mari’s small, pleading voice. It was a dangerous thought to have, but if she asked, he would drop everything and go to her.

Over the past few months, they had spent a lot of time together; he had not only watched her grow but encouraged her to do so. Despite what anyone may have thought about them, Oscar knew her better than, well, anyone; she was strong and she was resilient, almost to a fault. That girl would bottle up all the trauma in the world if it meant she wouldn’t have to bother someone else - so if she was calling to say that she needed him, then Oscar knew something was wrong.

“ _I’ll be there as soon as I’m done here_ ,” he said, “ _give me thirty_ ,”

“Oh, no, you don’t have to-”

“ _Mariana_ ,” his deep voice boomed, soft but firm. “ _I’ll be there_ ,”

The line disconnected before she could protest further.

 

. : ♱ : .

 

He arrived in twenty, pulling up in his red Impala, the sound of the car door creaking open and slamming shut alerting Mari to his presence.

Ruben hadn’t come home yet, but she made sure to let Geny know that she was going out and would be home late. Geny wanted to argue, wanted her to stay home, but she didn’t. Maybe she decided that Mari deserved a bit of a break, just this once.

Unable to resist the smile that spread across her face as she saw Spooky, leaning against the hood of his car, arms crossed, she ran to him and let him take her in his arms. All of the tension she had been feeling, all of the pain and fear and anger all dissipated as his strong arms squeezed just that little bit tighter around her waist. She could do this all day.

But the sound of Ruby’s voice wouldn’t let her.

“Hey!” He called and Mari turned to see him storming out of the house, she hadn’t even noticed him follow her out. Oscar dropped his hold on her. Mari stepped forward, folding her arms across her chest.

“Ruby?”

“I won’t be long, I just have something to say to Spooky,” there was a determination in Ruby’s eye that was only diluted by the sheer terror that was there as well. Still, he marched to the cholo until he was just before Mari, smartly keeping some distance between them. “I may be scared of you, but Mario isn’t, and I know you got some respect for him. She’s his sister too, so you treat her right. You gotta be ride or die, okay?”

Although she was touched at the sentiment, Mari’s face burned bright red at his words. She spared a glance over her shoulder at Spooky; his eyebrow was raised and he wore a tight-lipped smirk as though he was trying not to laugh (something Mari appreciated). Though he may not have been taking Ruby very seriously, Spooky got the message: _don’t fuck this up_.

The teen stood before them, chest heaving (from fear, the heat or just talking so much, Mari wasn’t sure of) and waiting for a response.

So Mari nodded and answered for both of them with a quick, “Okay,”

That seemed to appease Ruby as he nodded once and then away, back into the security of the house and away from the gangbanger. The moment he was gone, Spooky threw his head back with a barking laugh.

Mari spun on her heel and stood on her toes so she was just tall enough to throw her arms around his neck. Hands settled on her hips and she leaned into him, her lips spreading into a wide smile as she teased, “Ride or die, right baby?”

Spooky rolled his eyes and he shook his head, but his hand came to rest on the nape of her neck and he pulled her in for a kiss. It was quick, over far too soon for both of them, but they’d have plenty of time to make up for it.

"Just get in the car, mami,” he opened up the door for her and she stepped into the passenger’s seat (and pretended she didn’t notice the light smack on her ass as she passed him).

Mari didn’t say much as they drove, and Oscar knew better than to push her to speak. Instead, he turned up the stereo and rolled down the windows, letting the warm November air run through her hair and carry her voice in the dust behind them as she sang, wildly out of tune but happy, or as close to it as she had been in a while.

The car slowed when they hit a straight stretch of road, just enough so that he could look at her a second longer every now and then. Oscar loved seeing her like this; wild and carefree, exactly how she belonged. Dark curls whipped around her face, occasionally catching on her cherry lip gloss, and she was singing, loud and beautiful, in broken Spanish - a language, she had told him, she’d only learned in high school (and that he had been helping her perfect ever since).

The girl in question didn’t know how long they had been driving, and she didn’t know where they were going but she trusted Oscar enough to get them there. All she focused on was the autumn wind whipping past her face as she leaned out of the car window, watching as the scenery changed with each passing mile. Freeridge’s rundown houses turned into tall buildings; tall buildings dwindled to grass and trees and, if she looked far enough ahead, the ocean, as far as the eye could see.

Oscar parked the car between a small diner and the vast shores of the beach. Mari hadn’t been to the beach in years. As she got out of the car, the smell of saltwater filled her with a certain longing for a time when she was younger, much younger, and the world felt so much kinder. But she knew the truth now, she knew that the world was a dark and cruel place and so she pushed that nostalgia deep, deep down.

“Come on,” Spooky’s voice pulled her from her thoughts as he came up beside her and grabbed her hand, pulling her along before she had a chance to oppose, “let’s eat,”

They sat at a booth by the window and Spooky didn’t comment when Mari would start to disassociate and stare blankly at the expanse of sand and water before them. She had a lot going on, he knew that, but there was more that she hadn’t told him so he would give her some space before asking.

Although it took some time, Mari managed to convince Oscar that she wasn’t very hungry (she argued it was the pregnancy, he argued that’s exactly why she should be eating) and they settled on sharing a boat of fries, though Spooky got a burger and onion rings on the side.

It wasn’t until Spooky left to go to the bathroom and Mari was once more alone with her thoughts that everything came crashing down on her.

How did she get to this point? Matter of fact, how had this day even been real - from finding out she was pregnant, to Oscar finally confessing his feelings and then to Mallory and Doyle showing up? It was all too much. She couldn’t keep going like this, something had to give.

“Hey, ma,” a soft, smooth voice called. Her heart sank. She couldn’t deal with this right now and she silently pleaded for Oscar to come back soon, “What’s a pretty girl like you doin’ here all alone, huh?”

From the corner of her eye, Mari glanced up at him. If he wasn’t coming onto her like this, she may have thought him pretty; dark skin, perfectly groomed beard and short hair in tight curls atop his head. But if his line wasn’t enough to give her bad vibes, then the shade of green on his hoody sure was.

“I’m not alone,” she said, refusing to make eye contact or speak any louder than necessary.

The guy looked around the otherwise deserted diner. “You sure? ‘Cause I ain’t see anyone else here but you and me,”

“And me,” Mari breathed a sigh of relief as Oscar approached the man, ever her savior. “You wanna back off my girl, Easy?”

“Alright, my bad,” the guy, Easy, said (despite the smirk on his face saying he didn’t at all think it was his bad). He shot Mari a wink and stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Hit me up when you’re single, or when you get bored with this fool,”

And then the Prophet turned his back and he left, without a fight. Oscar slid back into the booth, reclaiming his seat before Mari, but he didn’t say anything. His nostrils flared and his lips pressed into a tight frown, Mari could see he was pissed.

All of a sudden he raised his fist and slammed it hard onto the tabletop and, although it wasn’t the first time Mari had experienced one of his outbursts, this one seemed to be the thing that shocked her out of the stupor she had been in all afternoon. Everything she had been feeling - and everything she had been desperate not to - came crashing into her like a tidal wave.

The tears started almost immediately, hot and heavy and too fast for her to stop it. Across from her, Oscar’s face softened and he rushed around to sit beside her. Without any hesitation, he scooped her up into his arms and cradled her to his chest. This may not be what she wanted, but she needed it.

“I can’t,” she sobbed into his chest. It hurt him to hear her like this, her voice so small and broken, each breath sounding like it hurt to take as she gasped in air and struggled to exhale. “I can’t, Oscar, I can’t breathe!”

Winding an arm around her waist, he hoisted her from the seat and let her use him as a crutch for her shaking body as he led them outside.

“I can’t do this,” she whispered, more to herself, as they reached the edge of the sand. “I can’t be a mother, I can’t even be a daughter!”

“Whatever you need to do Mariana, you know I’ll be there with you,” he offered, hoping to soothe at least some of her worries.

Mari shook her head. “They’re here, Oscar. Mallory and Doyle, they just came into the house,”

Oscar was seeing red as he asked, “when?”

“Right after you left,”

“I’m gonna fucking kill him,” he was marching back toward his car before Mari could even respond. She chased after him, reaching out to catch his arm.

“Oscar, wait!” She cried, “I don’t even know where they are now!”

He stopped and turned, a deep scowl tarnishing his features. He shook his head. “I won’t let him get away with what he did to you. Either of them, you know that,”

Heaving a sigh, she toed at the ground and wiped her face, gathering her strength before looking at him again.

“I just don’t want any more violence in my life,” she confessed, and when she looked so beaten down and helpless, who was Oscar to argue with her?

Oscar took a step closer and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. He leaned into her, close enough that she could kiss him if she were to stand on the tips of her toes and reach just that extra bit further. And then, as the smell of Corona hit her face, he whispered against her lips, “You know I just wanna keep you safe, mami,”

Mari nodded but she found herself unable to formulate a response. He wanted to keep her safe, Ruby wanted to keep her safe - she couldn’t keep putting everyone at risk just to save her own ass. One of these days she was going to have to figure out how to save herself.

With a heavy sigh and one final whimper, Mari dropped to her knees, falling into the sand as though her body no longer knew how to support itself. Oscar followed, pulling her in so that her legs were crossed over his and she was leaning into him once again.

Mari said softly, "I never asked for any of this. I never wanted you caught up in my mess.”

“I don’t mind being caught,”

She turned to look at him and offered the most genuine smile she could muster.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” she said, and then looked back out into the ocean. “I haven’t been to the beach since I was a kid, before things got really bad with my mom,”

“When did things get really bad?” He asked and maybe it was none of his business (and she had every right to tell him that) but he wanted to know her, every bit.

Mari hummed in thought, a quirk Spooky just discovered but definitely loved. “Around when I was fourteen. I mean she was never great, but that’s when she started using the hard stuff, you know? I remember getting on the bus and waiting...I think hours, for her to pick me up from the bus stop. When she didn’t come, I walked.

“It took even longer than it should’ve because I got lost a few times, but I finally made it back. And so I walked into the living room and there was Mallory, getting rawed by our neighbor while he injected something into her arm, right in front of me. That was the lowest point in our relationship, until she let her boyfriend rape me,”

“Mari, I’m sorry,” Oscar whispered, his hatred for that woman only growing but he controlled his rage; he asked, after all.

She shrugged. “It is what it is, and it just solidified in my mind exactly how much I never want to be like her,”

Eyes trained on Mari, Oscar couldn’t help but notice how beautiful she looked basking in the orange and pink sky as the sun set over the horizon - her skin glowed, her cheeks held a rosier tint and the dim sunlight reflected brightly in her dark hair.

His hands came up to cup her face before tangling in the back of her hair as he pulled her closer to capture her lips in a languid kiss. She kissed him back without hesitation, so he closed his eyes and sighed contentedly into her mouth. His muscles relaxed as he let her take over him; the way her hair felt as it fell between his fingers, the way her lips always tasted like cherries, even without the gloss, the way the curves of her body felt as she pressed against him. This woman was his escape, his savior as much as he was hers and as she moaned into his mouth and kissed him a little harder, he only thought one thing: he never wanted to lose this.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: this whole story was revised so I recommend going back and re-reading for continuity's sake.

When Mari woke up the next morning, sunlight streaming in from the curtains and hitting her face, Oscar’s arm thrown haphazardly around her waist, the first thing she did was smile (and that was pretty much a first for her). She hadn’t gone home after the beach last night, she couldn’t - not when she experienced what it was like to truly feel safe when she was away with Spooky; not when it meant that Mallory and Doyle knew exactly where to find her.

When the sun had set and it became time to return to Freeridge, Oscar dropped her off a few houses down from Martinez household and waited for her to let Ruben know she was okay and tell them that she would be spending the night at Angelica’s. It was an outright lie, one that Geny could probably see right through, but the Martinezes knew Angelica and the girl was as close to Mari’s age as she was going to get and considering how close Mari was with Mario, it wasn’t a _huge_ leap to believe they’d know each other. Besides, with everything else she had going on at the moment, Mari couldn’t bring herself to worry about one little white lie, not when it meant she got to keep some of her sanity.

Ruben and Geny didn’t argue, though she could tell they both wanted to. She couldn’t help but feel that they were loosening the reigns a little, indulging her just enough to keep her from going off the deep end. If anything, Mari supposed she could thank Mallory for this little piece of freedom. Either way, she had taken the extra rope they were offering and spent the night with Spooky.

Now, Mari didn’t believe anything could truly be perfect because to expect perfection would only end in disappointment, but if she had to measure it, last night would come pretty damn close.

Most of the night was spent tangled up in each other as if it were both the first time and the last - every kiss was gentle and yearning, every touch had Oscar clinging to her like she might disappear. With his hands and his tongue and every word he whispered so desperately in her ear and against her skin, Oscar made her feel beautiful, sexy. He made her forget all about the man who had taken away her confidence and her agency and her choices. That night, her body was her own and she happily gave it to him.

So here she was now, barely clothed in only her panties (and last night’s confidence quickly fading, so she’d probably scrounge up one of Oscar’s too-big t-shirts soon), legs tangled in the sheets, and under no obligation to leave as soon as possible (another first).

Determined to enjoy this moment at least a few minutes longer, Mari closed her eyes and cuddled further into Oscar’s side. The arm that was previously draped over her waist fell a little lower as she moved closer and she tried to ignore the way his hand now rested on her lower stomach.

She couldn't ignore it.

Her fingers itched to move his hand, but she didn’t want to wake him. Insecurities crept up her skin like insects but there was nothing she could do to shake them off. Almost as if on instinct, Mari’s hand joined Oscar’s where it rested on her stomach. She still had no idea what she wanted to do, had no idea if she could cope with any of her options. There was no way she was strong enough to make this choice, she was only just starting to get a grip on her own life, how was she expected to handle someone else’s?

And then there was her vainest concern; which would have the least impact to her body? Either way, she would never be the same, but would Oscar still want her afterward? Would she still like herself? Somewhere in the back of her mind, Mari knew these weren’t the things she should get caught up on, but she seemed unable to make the intrusive thoughts stop.

Trying not to dwell and her insecurities finally having got the best of her, Mari tugged the sheet up and held it tight over her chest as she sat up and leaned over the side of the bed, searching the floor for one of Oscar’s discarded tops.

There was a small movement behind her as she slid the shirt over her head and then reached up to stretch her muscles that’d tightened exponentially within the last few minutes.

“Why you moving so much, mami? Come back to bed,” Oscar’s voice came, still thick from sleep. Mari ignored the way heat pooled in her core at the sound of that deep voice and the way the arm around her tightened.

“Sorry. Woke up and I couldn’t get back to sleep,” she said, her words came off shorter than intended, but she put that down to the self-doubt clouding the better part of her thoughts.

Oscar didn’t get to ask what was on her mind - and he knew something was - because his thought process was interrupted by the chime of Mari’s phone. Worried it might be Ruben or Geny and not looking to get grounded again, she scrambled to her phone. Oscar heaved himself into a sitting position and leaned forward, peeking over her shoulder to see if this was her queue to leave. (He hoped it wasn’t, he wanted all the time with her he could get.)

He leaned back against the headboard with a scowl as he saw Trey’s name appear on the screen.

“What does he want?” He bit, trying his best to repress the anger that bubbled within him at just the sight of his name.

He knew he shouldn’t feel like this, so jealous and possessive - Mari was his girl and there was no way he was letting her go without a fight - but he couldn’t help it. Not when he remembered the way he found Mari in tears on Halloween, not when he thought of that kid trying to touch her and not when a devil was sitting on Oscar’s shoulder and whispering that he wasn’t good enough, that Trey would be better for her.

“He wants me to meet him at the store tonight, after the game,” she said, setting her phone back down on the side table before leaning back against the headboard as well, “he needs to pick up his pay early,”

The man beside her made a noise of acknowledgment, somewhere between a huff and a grunt.

Oscar wanted to shake himself; here he was, sitting in his bed with someone who could very well be the girl of his dreams, and he was wasting his energy being bitter that her co-worker texted her. He needed to get his shit together, he couldn’t keep letting the devil win.

Pushing aside all the voices telling him he wasn’t good enough for her, Oscar reached out for Mari. Slipping his hands under the oversized tee she was wearing (his oversized tee, he couldn’t help but notice) he gripped her hips and lifted her with onto his lap.

Mari couldn’t help but crack a small smile - a look Oscar loved on her - as she let her knees settle on either side of his thighs.

“Oscar, what are you doing? It’s midday; we have to go the game soon,” she said, well aware that they had a good few hours before they had to be at the school but still not quite able to get past the feeling that she wasn’t right for him (at least not when she was like this). And then, as if to remind him why it’s so important to her that they go, she added, “Jamal’s playing, remember,”

Hands grabbed the underneath of her thighs. Oscar used that leverage to bring her just a few inches closer; so close he could smell her shampoo, feel her breath ghosting across his face. Close enough to kiss her if he wanted to - and he always wanted to.

“We got time,” he reasoned. And then he leaned in that extra inch and he kissed her.

It was a little rushed at first, he’ll admit. Hungry, like he was being held underwater and she was the air that he desperately needed, but when it became clear to him that she wasn’t going anywhere, he slowed down, took his time to explore every inch of her mouth, each curve of her lips and swipe of her tongue.

Mari started to writhe in his lap as he slowly but surely kissed away any doubt she had been feeling. When his hands were on her and holding on for dear life, and when his tongue danced with hers so softly, and when his lips were so gentle but firm against her own, how could she ever question that he wanted her?

A moan escaped her lips and he swallowed it with a gasp of his own. Wanting, needing, to taste more of her, his lips ventured down, down, trailing wet kisses along her jaw and down the expanse of her neck until he reached the spot just above her collarbone, the spot that he knew drove her crazy. He sucked at the skin, nipped it gently, then ran his tongue over the abused patch of skin, hoping to soothe any discomfort he may have caused in his efforts to leave his mark.

With a blissed-out sigh that bordered on a moan, Mari let her head loll back and rolled her hips, aching for just a little more friction between them. Soft hands found his calloused ones and squeezed ever so slightly before she ran her palms up the hot skin of his thick arms, taking her time to feel every bruise, every scar, every swell of muscle along the way.

Nimble fingers traced the thick and thin lines of the Santos cross that adorned the side of his neck. Spooky closed his eyes and let out a small sigh at the feeling of her fingertips gliding along his neck, the way her short nails raked over the skin just a little.

“Where did you get this?” She asked softly, barely a whisper as though speaking any louder would break the invisible barrier that shielded them from the outside world.

“Uncle Tito's backyard,” he confessed, equally quiet, and his eyes fluttered open to look at her. “When I was thirteen,"

Though his eyelids were heavy, his vision was clear and Mari was more gorgeous than ever; lips swollen, skin glowing, cheeks rosy and a look of pure intrigue in her eyes as she studied every inch of him.

Slight hands came to rest on either side of his head as she leaned in and pressed a kiss to the cross on his neck, and then she lifted herself on her knees and reached up to kiss him once more.

“And this one?” She asked when they parted, her thumb grazing over his cheekbone where the small, black teardrop decorated his face. She didn’t know what exactly it was that compelled her to ask, or where she found the confidence, but she had always been intrigued, always been curious, and it had occurred to her at some point that Oscar knew almost everything about her life, the good and the bad (and she would be the first to admit that it was mostly bad), and she wanted to know about his. But when he didn’t respond immediately, when he averted his gaze, she worried that she had overstepped. “Tell me if I’m crossing a line,”

Oscar offered a slight shake of his head. His eyes met hers again and they swam with emotion that Mari couldn’t quite place; hopelessness mixed with something that looked awful close to regret.

“Nah mami, it ain't that,” He searched her eyes, a hand coming up to brush a lock of dark curls from her face and tuck it behind her ear. “You look at me with this, like, light. Like I can be something, you know? And I like it, and I don’t want that to change, but I’m also gonna be real with you. So if you wanna know something, I’m gonna tell you,”

Her voice was small as she said, “I wanna know about you, Oscar,”

His tongue flicked out to wet his lips before he spoke again.

“I got it at Corcoran, the first time I went in,” his eyes left hers again, almost like he was ashamed, “It got pretty crowded in there, crime makes a pretty penny here in Freeridge, so there was two to a cell at all times. When I went in, my cellmate was a Prophet. He was there longer than me, kept running his mouth about all the Santos he’d smoked from inside. Cuchillos told me to take care of it, so I did. And I didn’t get caught,”

Something foreign filled Mari’s veins; not anger or disgust, but something close to pity. The first time he went in, how young must he have been? Barely a child, at that point - he was barely an adult now.

Mari closed her eyes at the thought of Oscar, young and locked up and doing someone else’s bidding because he had no other choice; it broke her heart.

“Oscar, I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine what that must have been like,”

Oscar’s brow furrowed into a deep frown. His hands ran up and down her sides gently, as though she were his only comfort.

“I can't explain what it's like…watching the life drain from someone’s eyes, to be the reason,” his hands tighten their grip, just hard enough not to bruise, “But it doesn’t get easier. That guilt never really goes away,”

And honestly, Mari didn’t really know what to say to that. But she wanted to dull his pain, soften his frown, ease his mind, as much as she was able to, so she did the only thing she knew would at the very least distract him; she kissed him.

At first, she pressed a soft kiss to his cheek, right on that teardrop tattoo. Maybe it was risky, but she wanted him to know she wasn’t scared, she wasn’t repulsed; she was here and she was in it.

And then, she swooped in and captured his lips in a kiss that she hoped would convey everything she was feeling, everything she didn’t know how to say. He kissed her back hard, all clashing teeth and biting lips as he channeled so many years of pent up resentment through her. It didn’t hurt, she wasn’t scared, and if she was being honest, the way his hand came up to grip the back of her hair while the other grabbed at her thighs kind of turned her on.

The hands only left long enough for Oscar to grab the hem of the shirt she was wearing and pull it over her head in one swift motion, leaving her bare. Only this time, she didn’t rush to cover herself. This time, she relished in the way he peppered her chest with kisses, the way his hands ran down her back and dipped under the elastic of her panties.

Mari rocked her hips, feeling him beneath her and needing more. Oscar moaned against her skin and-

Her phone began to ring.

With a groan and without moving from her place in his lap, Mari reached over and pressed decline.

Not missing a beat, she pressed her bare torso against Oscar’s, wrapped her arms tight around his neck and kissed him once more, her skin on fire as he-

“Fuck,” she hissed as her phone began to ring again. She checked the caller ID and on any other day, she would’ve been happy to see Mario’s name flash on the screen. “I’m sorry, I don’t think he’s gonna stop calling. One minute,”

Trying to catch her breath, she tapped the green button and pressed the phone to her ear.

“Mario, hey,” she greeted, throwing an arm across her exposed chest and trying to ignore the way Oscar’s large hands ran up and down her inner thighs. “What’s up?”

“ _Put Oscar on the phone_ ,”

Mari frowned, both at his attitude and his (albeit correct) assumption.

Trying to play it cool (and get him off the phone as soon as possible), she responded, “What? I'm not-”

“ _Then why’d you end the call?_ ”

Well, she couldn’t argue with that.

“Fine, wait a sec,” Mari held the phone out to Oscar. “He wants to talk to you; I don’t know why he didn’t just call you,”

Oscar raised a single eyebrow. “It’s off, didn’t want any interruptions,”

Mari blushed deep red - she knew his life could pull him away at any second, so she knew what it meant for his phone to be off. She wished she could do the same, but she had to be ready for Ruben and Geny to call at any moment if she wanted to keep seeing Oscar - or leaving the house at all.

Oscar took the phone, but Mario was speaking again before Oscar could get a word in.

“ _Dude, how could you not tell me you’re dating my sister_?”

“Wasn’t my news to tell,”

“ _I knew you were fucking but, like, dating_?” Oscar didn’t bother asking how he knew that; Mario was always smarter, more observant than he seemed. “ _You’re a good dude, Oscar and you know I have mad respect for you, but Mari’s my family. I don’t want her getting messed up in Santo bullshit_ ,”

Oscar sighed, though he supposed he shouldn’t be surprised - he’s a cholo, it’s only natural that everyone would be waiting around for him to break this girl’s heart, or worse. “I don’t want that either, mano,”

“ _Don’t fuck around with her, Spooky, I mean it. She’s vulnerable, alright? She’s got a lot of shit to work through so you gotta be serious about her_ ,”

Oscar wanted to scoff, wanted to roll his eyes because he knew better than anyone what she’s got going on. But he didn’t do either of those things as he responded, “Yeah, man, I know. I’ll take care of her, don’t worry,”

And then Oscar is sick of talking, so he doesn’t say anything as he passes the phone back to Mari.

“What was that about?” She shot, wanting to know why Oscar now had a deep scowl on his face.

“ _Why didn’t you tell me about you and Oscar_?”

“How do you even know?”

There was a brief pause, a hesitation, and then, “ _I may have made a comment to Ruby and he may have assumed I knew about this sitch_ ,”

“So you _both_ let it slip and now you wanna lecture me for not telling you?”

“ _Look you know I don’t mind, but you gotta be smart. He’s a cholo; don’t let him break your heart_ ,”

“Thanks for the advice,” she deadpanned.

“ _I just don’t wanna see you hurt. Besides, I gotta do the big brother thing_ ,”

However reluctantly, Mari smiled, “Yeah, okay,”

“ _So we good_?”

Mari couldn’t help but roll her eyes, as if they wouldn’t be, “Yeah, we’re good,”

“ _Cool, so, I’m gonna go, and I’ll call you another time when you’re alone and fully clothed_ ,”

She wanted to argue, though he wasn’t wrong, but the line disconnected before she could.

Huffing a sigh, she threw her phone back down on the bed and leaned back on her knees, her hand coming to rest on Oscar’s shoulder.

“All that talk of getting my heart broken really killed the mood, huh?”

Oscar’s grip on her waist tightened just a little, but it was enough for Mari to know he was bothered by it, what people were saying (and what he knew they would continue to say).

“You know that ain’t what I wanna do,”

Of course, she knew, but that didn’t mean it would never happen and as much as she hated it, as much as it terrified her, she had to prepare herself for the possibility.

She shrugged and said, “I don’t think anyone goes into a relationship wanting to break the other person’s heart; shit like that just happens, you know,”

But Oscar wasn’t taking that. He wasn’t going to sit here and let her wait for the day he hurts her, so he leaned in and he kissed her again, slower this time and softer than before.

“Well, I want you to know I’m trying my best to make sure that shit doesn’t happen, not with us,”

She gave him a small smile, that was all she had to offer right now, and took his hand.

“We need to start getting ready for the game,” she said, lips spreading into a sultry grin, “so come shower with me. Let’s see if we can get that mood back,”

 

. : ♱ : .

 

It wasn’t until they had reached the school and settled into their seats in the stands that Mari confessed she had never seen a single game of football. Oscar laughed, head thrown back, dimples and canines bared, but promised to explain the game.

Oscar was surprisingly in his element; cheering and booing at all the right moments, happy. She barely watched the game, too busy watching the way his face lit up whenever Freeridge scored a touchdown.

That was how she found out he had been a wide receiver for Freeridge High - yet another thing she never would’ve guessed, but loved, about him. It made her smile, made her stomach flutter and her heart giddy whenever he let her in on these little things about his life, made her feel like maybe she would be a permanent fixture in his. She hoped she would.

In turn, she told him that she was once a cheerleader, back when she was almost sixteen and desperate to fit in, to make friends, to be a part of something. But she was never very good, she didn’t quite have the coordination, so her career was short-lived. (Oscar, of course, didn’t seem to care all that much about her skill level as he said, “I think we should get you one of those uniforms, mami. I wanna see that ‘lil skirt bounce while you sit on me,”. Mari could only flush deep red in response.)

Their almost-perfect time together came to an end far too soon, because once the game was over and Freeridge took the win (thanks to Jamal, of all people), Mari had to go. Oscar didn’t like it - didn’t trust that Trey had no ulterior motive, but he knew he had to relinquish control.

They parted with a kiss and a promise to call later tonight, and Oscar watched as she walked away, a sinking feeling that he couldn’t explain in the pit of his stomach.

Trey was already waiting outside the store when Mari arrived. Tingles of deja vu shot up her spine and she swallowed the lump of guilt lodged in her throat.

They waved in greeting as she approached. This was the first time they’d seen each other since she broke up with him; they had texted to coordinate shifts and he had even handled a few nights on his own. Having an ex was a first for her, and she had no idea how to act around someone whose heart she broke.

Trey didn’t seem all too eager to talk either, so he watched on in silence as Mari unlocked the store and led them to the cash safe out back.

“You need last week and this week’s early, right?” She confused, pulling the elastic off a stack and starting to count.

“Yeah,” Trey nodded, and then, “And I’d also like to resign, effective, uh, now,”

Mari almost dropped the cash in her hand. She gaped up at him.

“Trey, I know things didn’t end well between us, and don’t get me wrong, that’s on me, but you don’t have to _leave_ ,”

“Actually, I do,” he scratched at the back of his head, shrugging. “My mom and I are leaving town; Freeridge...well it wasn’t really working out for either of us,”

Mari glanced away and continued counting, trying not to focus on the fact that she had run someone out of town.

“Where are you gonna go?”

“We got a place a few miles out. Mom got a new job as a receptionist, it’s not much but we can afford it,”

“I’m sorry,” Mari said with a sharp sigh, “for the way things ended between us,”

Trey waved a hand, as though to say _it’s nothing_.

“I kinda put myself in that situation, you know? I saw you with that guy, I knew there was some unresolved stuff going on but I kept pushing. I can’t blame you for going back to him,”

She would be lying if she didn’t say that made her feel a little better, but only a little. She handed him the money.

“Take care of yourself, okay?” She said.

As serious as Mari had ever seen him, he said, “You too, Mari,”

He didn’t need to say what Mari already knew he meant, the same thing that Ruby and Mario had said; _take care of yourself and don’t let him hurt you_. And honestly, she was a little sick of hearing that so she was almost thankful when he left without another word and the doorbell rung, signaling his exit.

With a huff, she started to pack the safe again, but the doorbell buzzed a second time. Realizing she must not have locked the door after her, Mari made her way to the front.

Sure enough, there was someone inside, strolling through the confectionary aisle, though Mari couldn’t see them properly under their black hoodie.

“Hey, uh, I’m sorry, we’re actually closed,” she called out.

The person must’ve heard, because they put their head down and turned, slow and eerie, and walked to where Mari stood at the front counter. She tried to fight the rising panic in her veins, the way the walls started to close in on her, as she held her head high. It was nothing. This was nothing. She would be fine.

That’s what she told herself, repeated it in her head like a mantra, but then the person’s head snapped up and there was a gun to her forehead.

Dark eyes, almost black, met her own, the lower half of his face concealed by a dark green bandana. A whimper escaped her lips. She tried not to tremble at the feel of the cool metal biting her skin.

“Take me to the safe,” he ordered. His voice was small, young. He couldn’t be much older than Ruby, but he was the one with the gun so she did as he said.

She led him to where the safe was closed but not locked, gun pressed to her spine the whole time. That could work in her favor, buy her some time to think of something.

“Open it,” he shoved her and she dropped to her knees, wincing as her bones hit the floor and pain shot through her.

One hand fiddling with the combination lock, she slowly dug the other into her pocket in hopes of calling nine-one-one. She made a mental note to put Oscar on speed-dial.

And then, from behind her, the man swung and the butt of the gun smacked the side of her face. She cried out in pain, her cheek and jaw already throbbing and tears springing to her eyes. The phone flew out of her hand. There goes that idea.

“Don’t try it, bitch! Just give me the money and you won’t get hurt,” his voice shook, like he didn’t really mean what he was saying, like it was his first time.

Mari’s fight or flight instincts kicked in at full throttle. Maybe she had been spending too much time with Oscar, or maybe she just didn’t see a reason to care about her own wellbeing, but her mind said: _fight_.

So she opened the safe and she shuffled through stacks of cash until she found it. Her grip on the taser tightened, tightened and she waited, waited until he set the gun aside and started toward the money.

She swung, aiming for anywhere on his body, but he was faster despite his nerves and size and apparent age, and he caught her arm.

“Fucking bitch,” he hissed under his breath as he snatched the taser out of her hand and dug it into her side.

Mari cried out as her body spasmed and she dropped to the floor with a harsh thud, her shoulder cracking as it collided with the linoleum-covered concrete.

“Tyrone!” A third voice called. It was familiar, though Mari couldn’t place it as she fought against the darkness threatening to pull her in. “What’s taking so long-oh, shit,”

The kid stepped away. The familiar voice continued, “ _Fuck_! That’s Spooky’s girl, man. Come on, we gotta go,”

One pair of feet moved. The other pair didn’t.

“But, the money-”

“I said go!”

And then she was alone, struggling to stay conscious, unable to control the way her muscles were contracting and her entire body on fire. With a groan, she used her good arm to flip herself so that she could crawl, not trusting her legs to stand just yet.

She sobbed and screamed as she moved, her shoulder most definitely dislocated. She reached for her phone, desperate to call Oscar, to call anyone, but when she finally clasped her fingers around it, all she saw was a loading screen.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

With a cry that bordered on a scream, Mari threw her phone to the side, pressed the palm of her non-injured arm to the floor and, using all the strength she could muster, she pushed herself up. It took everything she had just to stand; her legs shook and her left arm fell limp at her side and she could feel the side of her face starting to swell.

She didn't _want_ to move. She wanted to stay here, to curl up on the cold floor and hug her knees to her chest and she wanted to _sob_.

She didn't want to move, but there was more than her own health at stake; something she's ashamed to admit she hadn't considered when she decided to take out all her anger at the world and, for once, fight back. Her phone was all but dead, and she needed to get to a hospital. Help wasn't on its way, so this was just another thing on the long list of things she had to do herself, no matter how much it hurt.

Her legs buckled with every step she took, but she pushed through the pain shooting through her bones and the burning sensation in her side and the dizziness threatening to take her out. Though it took everything she had, every last ounce of will, she made it outside where she collapsed against the building and opened her mouth to gasp in the fresh air, as though it were her first time being able to breathe.

And to Mari, it was; it was breathing again for the first time. It was the rush of adrenaline coursing through her veins as she realized she was grateful to be alive.

Actively attempting to slow her breathing, she crouched and cradled her dislocated arm, leaning her right shoulder against the wall. She needed a moment. She needed to catch her breath and find what remained of her willpower before she forced herself back up again.

Somewhere in the distance, there was a voice; the same familiar voice she had heard inside. Her breath caught in her throat, slow breathing now coming out in sharp ragged puffs. She couldn't see them, not in the dark with only the moon and the headlights of a metallic green muscle car, but she could make out the shapes well enough.

First, she saw a man, a little taller than her, if she had to wager a guess, in what looked like a denim jacket. One hand on his hip, the other resting against the roof of the car as he propped himself up and talked animatedly at the boy sitting in the back seat of the car.

The boy in the black hoodie and green bandana.

The boy who had held a gun to her head.

She swallowed the bitter fear on her tongue. Sweet rage filled her bones and warmed her blood.

The boy in the hoodie brought a hand up and the bandana came off in one swift motion. She wished she could see his face. She wished she could burn it into her memory, remember every detail, so she would have someone to hate, someone to blame for the way she felt; powerless and weak. But she knew she had been feeling like that long before tonight, and she couldn't see anything beyond the dreadlocks that fell past his face.

The boy shuffled into the back of the car and the man was closing the car door and smacking his hand against the roof and then, the green low-rider was speeding away. Mari was stuck; unable to escape if caught and definitely not strong enough to fight back. The man had turned and was heading towards her before she could think up her next move.

And, as he swaggered steadily closer, he was illuminated by a dim street light. Mari released a shuddering breath, feeling almost relieved yet there was something, a nagging feeling at the back of her mind, reminding her she wasn't out of the woods. She wasn't safe yet.

He seemed to notice her too as he frowned a little, glanced around and broke into a jog.

"What are you still doing here?" He hissed, sounding a little more incredulous than angry.

Her hands shook, goosebumps prickled her skin as Easy headed closer, closer. Was this it; the end? She didn't see much, she definitely didn't see the boy, but could she convince him that? Would she get the chance to try before he put a bullet in her head?

Did she care?

She would miss Oscar, she knew that much. (Well, as much as you can miss someone from beyond the grave.) And she would miss the Martinezes, even Geny.

But they would all move on.

Ruben wasn't around enough to miss her. Geny barely liked her and Abuelita was rarely around when she was. The twins wouldn't understand, Mari was off at college, Ruby had his friends and Oscar...

It wasn't serious, Mari told herself. He would find someone else; someone tall and pretty and emotionally available. Someone who could treat him the way he deserved to be treated, someone who could make him smile that dimpled smile, the one she loved so much, without even trying.

And then there was the baby. She had barely even thought of what she was going to do with it, though in her defense, she thought, she had found out a mere twenty-four hours ago. But she had to decide; she had to get a handle on the situation before it blew up - before anyone else found out.

Mari couldn't help but think, maybe it would be better if it all just...stopped. At least it would be easier that way.

It would be a lie to say she hadn't thought about it before, that the thoughts didn't crawl out of the shadows in the darkest parts of her mind and torment her late at night when she was all alone, or when Oscar was snoring beside her.

But she was weak. She had always been weak and she couldn't do it; guilt swallowed her whole each time she even considered It. What would they say if she failed? What would they say if she _succeeded_?

Yet, as she sat beaten and bruised before someone who had not only the means but the motive to end it all now, she wondered if it was all still worth fighting for.

Despite her entire body screaming in protest, she pushed herself up, meeting him eye to eye.

"What?" She asked, and then as if daring him, "Here to finish the job?"

Mari swore he rolled his eyes, but maybe she was a little delusional from getting a gun to the face.

"Here to make sure you're okay," her eyes narrowed in wary questioning. He continued, "Let me take you to the hospital,"

"What do you want?"

"Come on, ma, I told you. I just wanna make sure you're alright,"

"Why do you ca-" her words broke into a wail as pain shot through her side and she doubled over, hand tightening on her dislocated arm to hold it in place.

This time he definitely rolled his eyes.

He walked to a shiny black car that was parked in the shadows and held the door open, "Just get in the car,"

But Mari was stubborn, and she was sick of always needing to be saved.

"I'm fine," she said, "I can do it myself,"

"You sure about that?" He asked, thick eyebrows shooting up to his hairline, "because it looks like you just pissed yourself,"

Her breath caught in her throat, her heart hammered as fear caught her in a vice grip. Trying not to choke on the lump in her throat, she spared a glance down. Bile rose in her throat when she saw the dark patch between her thighs.

"That's not-" she rasped, but she wasn't able to say any more. To admit what was happening would mean acceptance and she just wasn't ready for that yet. "I need to get to a hospital,"

 

. : ♱ : .

 

Easy ran at least three red lights to get her to the hospital. He said it was because he didn't want her to ruin his leather seats, despite the crease in his brow hinting at genuine concern. Hitting the brakes hard enough to leave tire marks when they finally reached the hospital, Easy wasted no time in getting her into a wheelchair and through the doors to the ER.

Mari was already sobbing, by this point. In part due to the aching feeling that started at her thighs and had spread quickly to the rest of the body, but for the most part due to the sheer fact that it wasn't supposed to happen like _this_.

Shit, she couldn't help but think this wasn't supposed to happen at all. But it was happening, and it was happening _now_ ; three months earlier than anticipated.

Easy rang the reception bell more times than necessary to "get some damn help over here!"

In the back of her mind, she vaguely registered a nurse rushing through the doors and taking her from Easy, but it was hard to focus on anything beyond the faint buzzing that the world had become. Her mind had tuned out until everything was white noise; everything except her thoughts, screaming in high definition _I can't do this_!

Everything had been taken from her; her body by Doyle, her freedom by this baby and her choice whether or not to have it by an unnamed, irresponsible kid who wanted to prove he was tough enough to be a Prophet.

She was supposed to have time. If anything, she was at least supposed to have two weeks left to decide if she wanted to keep it and now that choice, like every other one she foolishly believed she had, was taken from her too.

Her body ached as the nurse took her hand and gently guided her to her feet. The moment her weight shifted a sharp, stabbing pain shot through her, from her thighs to her back and she doubled over with a pained cry.

The nurse laid a tender hand on her shoulder and guided her slowly aside.

"I know it hurts, sweetie, I just need you on this bed," she said, her soft and nurturing voice helping to calm Mari if only a little. "Can you do that for me?"

Through tears, Mari nodded and shuffled until the back of her thighs hit the edge of the hospital bed. One hand found purchase on the edge of the bed as the other hung limply at her side. Easy stepped forward to help as it took all her strength to push herself up onto the bed.

The back of the bed started to raise and Mari tried not to yell out at the pain in her lower abdomen as she was moved into a sitting position.

"Look," Easy said, coming to her side so he was in her line of vision, "you're in good hands now, ma. I think I should head off,"

In a panic at the mere prospect of being here alone, Mari's hands shot out and grabbed at his arm.

"No, please don't go!" she begged.

Easy let out a heavy, borderline-resigned sigh, "I shouldn't be here,"

Mari knew he shouldn't, knew he wasn't who she wanted here. _Oscar_ was supposed to be there, by her side, when this happened (or didn't happen, not that she had much of a choice now).

She had asked him just last night, as they lay tangled in his sheets. He had asked what she thought she was going to do and Mari told him in all honesty that she had no idea, but either way she had wanted him there. Of course, he agreed; he would do anything for her.

The nurse moved further to the end of the bed and, despite Mari's tear-blurred vision, she let out a sigh of relief when she saw that it was Latisha. At least there was another, more familiar face here. For just a second Mari didn't feel quite so helpless.

"Is he family?" Latisha asked. Mari shook her head. "Baby daddy?"

"No! Uh-uh," Easy shook his head ferociously and glanced around as though Oscar would appear at the mere suggestion of the Prophet touching her.

"Then I'm afraid he can't come any further," she said, speaking solely to Mari before turning to the man, one brow raised in suspicion, "you can wait here until she's allowed visitors. We might have some questions for you about how you found her,"

And then Latisha was pushing her through the large double doors and Easy was out of sight, out of mind.

"Mari?" Doctor O'Connor called as she rushed forward, tying a mask to her face in her haste, "What happened? I was just with her yesterday!"

"I- _ah_!" whatever Mari was about to say was cut off as she howled out, throwing her head back and giving a choked sob.

"Alright, Mari," Doctor O'Connor's voice was calmer now, steadier, "I need you to lift your knees up, can you do that for me?"

She only sobbed harder, but she nodded and although she did her best to obey, Latisha came around to help as Mari's whole body had stiffened in pain.

"That's it," Latisha smiled and wasted no time pushing Mari further down the hall and into a private room at the end of a ward labeled **MATERNITY**.

All at once, the wind was knocked out of her and Mari only had one thought: _I can't do this_.

"This baby is very premature," Doctor O'Connor said, "almost three months, so your body is under a lot of pressure right now, okay? It's rushing this labor; you're at stage two already so Mari, I'm gonna need you to push for me. Can you do that?"

She couldn't.

She _couldn't_.

She couldn't do this.

She couldn't be a _mother_.

Where would the kid live? What would she do with her life? She may not have known exactly what her aspirations were but she knew they were more than raising a kid.

And what about Oscar? How would he react to this? Right now he was the only thing grounding her, making her feel like she was normal. Like she wasn't so horribly fucked up. There was no way she could cope with losing him. He said he was okay with this but he was supposed to have time, too.

He wouldn't want her after this, she was sure of it. Finally, she had found someone who didn't repulse her when they touched; someone who made a tantalizing fire burn in her core with just a look. Someone who made her feel brand new. She wouldn't be the same after this; she was already battered and bruised and now she was about to give _birth_. He wouldn't want her.

She was going to lose him.

Frantically, she shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut, as though she could stop this all happening through sheer force of will.

"No! No, I can't! I can't do it! I can't, please don't make me!" Sobs racked her body, her voice was hoarse, her face swollen and her shoulder still dislocated. She just wanted it to end; that boy should've done her a favor and killed her when he'd had the chance.

As if it would make a difference, she continued to plead, "Please, please don't make me! I was supposed to have _time_ \- I was supposed to _choose_! This isn't fair!"

A soft hand landed on hers. It squeezed just a little, just enough so that Mari felt she was safe to take a breath, and then, voice thick with sympathy (though Mari would argue it bordered on pity) Latisha said, "Honey, none of this is fair. And I know it's hard, and you don't think you're strong enough, but you are."

Red-rimmed, tear-stung eyes glanced up at the nurse, then across at the doctor who was standing between her legs like something out of a horror movie and despite her fear and the aching that throbbed down to her _bones_ and the knowledge that she would never be the same, that Oscar would never look at her again with such unrestrained _want_ , Mari nodded.

She had expected it to hurt more, but when she started to push the pain in her abdomen eased, as though her body was thanking her.

But it was _taxing_. Latisha still had hold of her hand, but Mari had to do this part herself and her body had already been through so much trauma, it was hard to muster the strength.

"That's it," Doctor O'Connor encouraged, "you're doing great,"

And then her mind drifted to Oscar, the way it did every time life was becoming too much, every time she needed an escape.

Desperate for a distraction, something to soothe her racing heart and frantic nerves, her mind traced every detail of him. She remembered dark chocolate eyes gazing into her own and the way his violent hands felt against her palm, or gliding over her back or sliding up her thighs. She thought of the weight of him on top of her, the way his body — strong, hardened — felt beneath her own.

He should be here. He should be holding her hand and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. He should be running a hand through her hair and reminding how strong she is. He should be here, telling her proud he is and how much he lo-

"Stop!" Doctor O'Connor called suddenly, "Stop! Something's wrong. I can't get a good enough look...Latisha, put her under; I'm going to have to do an emergency C-section,"

Before Mari even had the chance to protest, to be scared, Latisha was hovering over her with a gas mask.

The last thing she thought of before everything went black was a pair of dark chocolate eyes gazing into her own.

. : ♱ : .

There was a throbbing in her shoulder when she finally came to.

Although she felt far from relaxed, she kept her eyes closed just a little longer, yearning for a few minutes more where she didn't have to think about what'd happened, didn't have to worry about where to go from here. But she couldn't ignore reality forever, as much as she wished otherwise, and regretfully, her eyes fluttered open.

"Hey, you're awake," Easy's soft voice sounded from her bedside. She thought he had left.

Her voice was thick with sleep as she asked: "What are you still doing here?"

"I left for a while; then I came back. Wanted to make sure you're okay,"

"But why?"

Easy shrugged and offered an almost-smile.

"I'm a lover, not a fighter, y'know?" He glanced around, eyes sweeping the room before he added, "I ain't sticking around; I don't want no beef with Oscar, so I plan to be gone when he turns up,"

"I don't- " she cut herself off and glanced down at her hands in her lap. She didn't want to admit it, because it _hurt_ , but it was the truth. "I don't even know if he'll be here,"

The words came out in a whisper. It was hard to think about, let alone voice, the fact that she may have to go through this entire ordeal alone. Her family didn't know, and she wasn't ready for them to find out, but Oscar knew. Oscar already _knew_ and he supported her and he wasn't here and she couldn't _tell him_.

"Why not?" His brow furrowed, "I saw the way he looked at you, ma. He wouldn't miss this,"

She knew that. Deep down somewhere, she knew the way he looked at her, but it filled her body with warmth to hear it from someone else.

Still, the situation hadn't changed.

"My phone's dead," she explained, "I can't tell him what's happened,"

Easy didn't say anything for a minute, he just shoved his hand in his pocket. Mari thought he was getting ready to leave, and she was preparing herself for isolation once more, and then he pulled out a smartphone and was handing it to her.

"So call him. Just don't mention me or my boy and we're good,"

What other choice did she have but to agree to those terms? She needed to speak to Oscar, needed him to be _here_.

Oscar had made her memorize his number early on in their friendship, just in case of emergencies. Her hands shook as she dialed the number and pressed the phone to her ear and she waited for him to pick up.

Usually, she didn't have to wait long. Usually, he picked up at the sight of her name, before the first ring. This time, it rang once and then-

" _I'm busy; leave a message, hombre_ ,"

Straight to voicemail.

Mari frowned at the phone, unable to shake her thoughts that: _this isn't normal, something is wrong_. But maybe he was just busy, Santos business that he didn't want to involve her in. After only a brief pause where she considered trying again, she handed the phone back to the Prophet.

"He's busy," she said, "I'll use a hospital phone or something to call him later,"

Easy pocketed the phone and gave her a nod.

"Look after yourself," he said, turning on his heel to leave. He paused and shot a look back at her only to say, "Oscar's a lucky man,"

And then he was gone.

The moment she was alone, Mari felt the tears sting in her eyes. She was tired of crying; the skin around her eyes was red and tender and the thought alone of crying any more was enough to make her hurt. She just wanted to sleep, to not be awake and forced to deal with this. To not feel so alone.

Eyelids heavy, she let them close and felt something close to peace. And then there was a knock on the door.

It was hard to open her eyes again, and even harder for her vision to adjust again to the light, but she was grateful that it was only Latisha.

"Hey," she said with a warm smile, "it's good to see you awake,"

If she had the energy, Mari would've rolled her eyes. "Wish I could say the same,"

Latisha said nothing else as she walked over to her bedside and started changing the IV fluid that was attached to the inner crook of her elbow. If Mari could go the rest of her life without another needle in her arm, she could die happy.

Mari had thought that she couldn't feel any worse; she really did. But then she noticed another tube, one that was thin and yellow and started somewhere between her legs and ran all the way down the side of the bed to a drainage bag filled with-

She felt sick, helpless. She felt her stomach turn and her face grow hot.

"How long does that have to stay in?" She asked, her voice paper-thin, as the nurse exchanged the full bag for an empty one.

"The catheter is usually removed after a day or two, though everyone is different. It's going to take some time for your body to adjust to the changes after the surgery,"

The next few minutes passed in silence as Latisha made note of her vitals and Mari wished once again that this would all be over.

When Latisha spoke again, Mari almost jumped at the sudden noise.

"It's a boy," she said. Mari's heart clenched and her stomach twisted. "You can't hold him yet; he was born far too early so he's in the NICU on life support. But I can bring you to him if you want?"

"No," the reply was instant, but Mari didn't have to think about it. All she could think about, all she could feel, was the dull ache in her muscles and the sting from the needle that was stopping the use of her arm and the tube that reminded her she had _no_ control of her body. She had no space in her mind or her heart for that baby; not when she needed someone to blame and he was the easiest target. "I don't want to see him,"

Latisha didn't push, something Mari appreciated. The two shared a short, understanding silence, and then the nurse asked: "What about your family?"

Mari blinked and looked at her for the first time since she arrived.

"What?"

"The hospital called your dad, Ruben," she explained.

Latisha was soft and sweet and so _nurturing_ ; she only meant well. Mari didn't want to be upset with her, not when Latisha was the only familiar face she had, but she couldn't seem to stop the venom seeping out of her heart and into her words as she snapped, " _Why_?"

The woman brushed a strand of tight curls away from her face and behind her ear before placing one hand on a cocked hip.

"Because you just had emergency an emergency c-section, Mari, a procedure that's dangerous to both you _and_ the baby," she let out a deep sigh. Her eyes lost their sternness and the corners of her lips twitched into a pitiful smile. A soft hand came to rest on Mari's forearm as she continued, "The hospital has a duty of care, and _no one_ should be alone in this,"

Despite her kind words and the even kinder intention behind them, Mari yanked her arm out of the nurse's grip as a tear slid down her cheek. Before any more could fall, Mari turned her head away; she wanted to roll to her side but her body refused to follow, muscles weak and attached to far too many machines.

"Send them home," she said.

"Mari-"

"I'm not ready. Send them home,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The holiday-hiatus is over and the writer's block is gone!!! Please drop a kudos and/or a comment and tell me your thoughts! I love hearing what you think, it really keeps me motivated.


	17. Chapter Seventeen

The chicken tasted like cardboard, the pudding tasted like sawdust. Mari stopped trying to eat after the first couple of days. The upside to this was that the lack of food made it a lot easier to spend most of her days in blissful unconsciousness.

The downside was that it also meant she wasn't healing as she should be.

Mari ended up being kept in that hospital room going on two weeks. Doctor O'Connor said it was to allow her to heal, but the way Latisha looked at Mari said otherwise. The way Latisha looked at Mari said she was worried about what the girl might do if she _weren't_ there.

So every day for almost two weeks, Mari spent hours with Latisha relearning how to walk, how to eat, how to go to the bathroom.

And every day for almost two weeks, she tried to call Oscar.

And every day for almost two weeks, he didn't answer.

The radio silence was killing her, and it was getting harder and harder to even pick up the phone and _try_ every day. But she couldn't do this without _someone_ , and she wanted that _someone_ to be him. She didn't know if he was even listening to the messages she was leaving, and part of her hoped he wasn't because she was well aware of how desperate she sounded in the vast majority of them.

Although she hadn't truly expected him to stick around, not for the long-term anyway, this wasn't how she had anticipated it ending between them. At least, she thought, it would be a clean break. _This way,_ she thought, _it'll be so much easier to get over him_. (Or that's what she told herself, every night for almost two weeks, as she lay in bed and tried not to cry.)

And every day for almost two weeks, Ruben and Geny came to visit, but Mari turned them away each time. She couldn't let them see her like this; weak and bruised and beaten down, barely able to stand on her own.

After everything she had survived with Mallory, she was strong enough to get out; to run away and save herself. But she wasn't strong enough to deal with _this_. How could she face the people she had run to?

Mari _hated_ the thought of disappointing Ruben. She hated the thought of proving Geny right about her and of being a bad role model for Olivia and Monse (and even Ruby, Cesar and Jamal, to some extent).

She hated that she had probably lost whatever good thing she had going on with Oscar.

She hated that she couldn't even bring herself to see the baby; the baby, who was still in critical condition, and who Mari still hadn't given a name. The deadline coming up on that, too. Just another thing on the list of things that were suffocating her, she supposed.

Doctor O'Connor had come to see her, birth certificate in hand, sometime around the first few days. She hadn't pushed anything, remained neutral and unbiased as she had given Mari all the information she needed.

"By California law," she had said, "you have two weeks from the date of birth to complete the birth certificate. Given that this baby was so premature and we weren't sure if he would even survive out of the womb, I didn't want to bother you with this but he _is_ stable now. It's looking good for him, so I do think you need to decide what you're going to do,"

Mari could only shake her head and shrug in response.

"I don't know. I haven't even seen him, I don't _want_ to. The other women in the ward," (Mari refused to label herself a mother,) "they keep telling me: _he's beautiful and strong, just like you, dear_. They say I can't choose until I meet him,"

She hadn't been expecting Doctor O'Connor to turn around and say: "No. You have to do it for you, forget what everyone else is saying and ask yourself; what do _you_ need?"

But that was part of the problem; almost two weeks later and Mari was still a jumbled mess of hurt and sad and _confused_. She didn't _know_ what she needed.

Well, she did know one thing: she needed to face her family.

 

. : ♱ : .

 

It was like clockwork at this point, really. Every morning, right before nine a.m. when visiting hours started, Latisha would come to her room and tell her that her family was waiting. And every morning, Mari turned them away.

But not today.

Today, she was sitting up in bed, had been up for _hours_ trying to prepare herself. She had forced herself to finish her toast-with-jam breakfast, had changed into a new hospital gown and brushed her hair for a solid thirty minutes all in an attempt to look a little more alive.

The roughly three minutes it took for Latisha to leave the room and bring back a handful of Martinezes felt like far longer to Mari. Time slowed down the moment the nurse left the room and Mari's throat immediately closed up.

Her palms were clammy, her breath short as she gasped for air and tried not to think about the disappointment that will paint Ruben's face when he sees her, or the way Geny will shake her head, or the way Ruben and Olivia will judge her.

She was trying not to think about it too much, but she expected it.

What she didn't expect was for Ruben to look at her and break into a wide smile, tears shining in his eyes. She wasn't expecting the small but relieved smile Abuelita shot her way, or for Ruby and Olivia to run to her bedside and wrap their arms around her, or for Geny to rush forward with a cry of "Mija! Your father and I were so worried about you!"

Four pairs of arms were around her and suddenly that seemed to be the only thing suffocating her (but she didn't mind). Almost two weeks (though probably longer, if she thought too hard on it) worth of tension left her shoulders as she breathed out a sigh of relief. A painful lump made its way to her throat and no matter how hard she tried, she wasn't able to swallow it down. Tears stung at her eyes and she blinked hard, trying to make the tears stop to no avail.

They didn't let go of her until her body began to shake and she let out a loud sob.

The family immediately shot back, afraid they'd hurt her, and Mari, for the first time in almost two weeks, let out a laugh. Head thrown back, a mess of curls falling over shoulders as her body shook with every giggle that bubbled out of her chest, Mari didn't realize until this moment just how much she had missed them, how lonely and isolated she had been.

All of that isolation, the loneliness went away as she was engulfed by lightness and a sense of freedom. Freedom from the pain and the darkness and the shadows she kept as company. And some part of her, a part she tried to keep hidden away in the depths of her mind, wanted it to _stop_. It was too unfamiliar, the brightness, the liberation, the weight that had lifted from her shoulders and her chest and throat.

The darkness, the pain, the weight on her shoulders and the invisible hands that tightened around her throat; they were familiar, they were safe. She knew what that felt like and how to deal with it but this...

It'd been so long since she felt truly happy, truly free, and she had no idea what to do with it.

"Did we hurt you?" Ruben asked, eyes wide with fear that they had somehow made her worse.

Mari only huffed another laugh at that. They had always been careful with her, hesitant like she was a deer caught in the headlights, a rabbit ready to run at the slightest movement.

But she wasn't a rabbit. She wasn't going to run and right now, more than ever, she was desperate not to be treated like fine china; she had been through far too much to break now.

(Somewhere in the back of her mind, a voice told her _Oscar doesn't treat me like that_ , but she pushed it away. She didn't want to miss him and she didn't need him here. And even if she did, well...)

Finally calm enough to speak, Mari took a deep breath and plastered on the most genuine smile she could muster. It'd been so long since she'd smiled that the action almost felt like a grimace. Lips spread wide and teeth bared, she hoped it at least reached her eyes.

When no one moved to say anything, Mari asked, "So, what have I missed?"

There was only a brief pause, and then Abuelita dove straight into a recap of everything Mari had missed in their favorite telenovela. Mari welcomed the ease in tension, it was as though the whole room let out a collective sigh of relief.

And Mari relaxed as she spoke. Laughing and gasping in shock as she was drawn into the story Abuelita was so passionately retelling. Abuelita's face lit up each time Mari laughed, grabbed her hand each time she gasped and asked: "What happened next?".

She was having fun. But, maybe she jinxed herself by admitting it because soon enough Abuelita's retelling was over, and Olivia was announcing: "I'm dating Cesar,"

And maybe it was selfish, maybe Mari really was a bad person, but her first thought wasn't _wow, Olivia, I'm so happy for you_! or _damn, how must Ruby feel?_ Her first thought was _have you seen Oscar?_

But she didn't ask. Instead, she swallowed the lump that was rising in her throat and she bit her lip and she smiled and nodded like a good friend, a good sister, as Olivia recounted their time together.

She smiled and she nodded and she pretended her heart wasn't breaking because all she could think about was _Oscar Oscar Oscar_ and the fact that he wasn't _here_.

And he should be because he said he was _in this_. He said he would be there for her and he promised that she wouldn't be alone. She _trusted_ him. She had cracked open her chest and let him see every scar on her heart, every negative word she had breathed in and was etched into her lungs. She had handed him all of her fears and all of her demons and he had promised that he would take care of them, but he wasn't there to fulfill that promise.

Ruby's voice - strained, desperate to change the subject - cut through her distress.

"It's Olivia's quince tomorrow!"

"Oh my god, Olivia, that's so exciting!" Mari responded, flashing the girl a wide smile, and this time, that was her first thought.

Olivia smiled, almost bashfully, and said, "I wanted you to be one of my damas, but..."

Mari glanced down, feeling like she had just let everyone down, again. Like she had messed up, _again_.

"We had to ask Jasmine to fill in," Ruby said, "'cause, you know, the dance,"

And no, in all honesty, Mari didn't know. Growing up, Mari didn't get to explore the Latino side of herself; she didn't speak any Spanish beyond the few phrases Oscar had been teaching her, she never celebrated Grito de Dolores, and she never had a quinceañera. Until recently, until coming into the Martinez household, she didn't mind, didn't know any better. Now she was mourning all the tradition, the culture, the family she missed out on.

But she didn't say that. She wasn't about to play the pity card, not when they were already staring at her with enough sympathy to fill one hundred Hallmark cards.

"Of course," she said instead, smiling and nodding like she knew anything about quince traditions. "No hard feelings,"

"Your doctor," Olivia started, wringing her hands and biting her lower lip before continuing, "she said you were getting discharged tomorrow,"

She had been trying not to think about it, trying not to think about having to reenter society and accept reality and figure out what the fuck she was going to do with the kid, but she couldn't deny it.

"Uh, yeah, I am,"

"I know you've been through a lot, but it would really mean a lot to me if you would come. I mean, the reception is going to be at home anyway, but like, the ceremony. I'd love for you to be there,"

Mari opened her mouth to say:  _of course, I'll be there_ but a sob escaped her lips instead. A sob that she didn't even know was coming, though the way her chest had been slowly growing tighter and tighter and tighter should've been warning enough.

"Oh no, Mari I'm sorry! You don't have to, I was being selfish!" Olivia cried, reaching out like she wanted to hug the older girl but her arm just hovered.

Mari shook her head.

"No, you weren't," she uttered between weak gasps, "I just...I love all of you and I'm so, so sorry!"

"Mari, sweetie," Geny's voice reached Mari's ears, softer than Mari had ever heard her, "you have nothing to be sorry for,"

"No I do," she said, nodding hysterically and bringing her knees up to her chest like armor, "I do. I just came into your life, into your home, then I don't-

"I just work and then I go out and do whatever I can to not be home and it's not...it's not because I don't _want_ to be there; I do! I love you and I appreciate everything you've done for me I just...I don't feel like I belong.

"I wasn't raised like you all were. I don't speak Spanish, I don't know anything about your culture or what it's been like to grow up in this neighborhood, I'm not religious and now I've had a _fucking baby_ and I-I have _none_ of my shit together and I'm just..." her sentence trailed off as she wiped her eyes with the heels of her palms and sucked in a shaky breath. "You must be so disappointed in me,"

Sheer heartbreak painted Ruben's face and he didn't say a word as he lowered himself onto Mari's bed, but the moment he wrapped his arms around her she knew. She never should've expected anything but acceptance from the man who had only ever tried to show her love.

"Mija, how could you even think that?"

Mari sniffled and buried her face further into his shoulder.

"You didn't sign up for this!" Mari could feel her voice getting tighter, a little higher. She tried to slow her breathing but she was already too worked up, both mind and body on edge and cowering from something no one else could see.

Ruben held her steady, his arms tightening around her like a shield, ready to defend against any invisible enemies.

"Neither did you," he replied, his voice calm and steady, anchoring her down.

No matter how good his intentions were, Mari realized that he wasn't going to get it. He loved her and he accepted her, but she had seen what happened to someone who was stuck raising a baby they didn't want, and Mari was terrified of turning out like her mother.

But she had brought them all down long enough. Taking in a deep breath, Mari forced a smile back onto her face and tried to ignore the way her cheeks were already hurting and her heart was racing at a million miles an hour. She tried to ignore the intense, knowing stare Geny had trained on her.

Mari shook her head. "You're right. I'm being ridiculous,"

"You know," Geny cut in, "I'm getting hungry. Ruben, why don't you take Abuelita and the kids to get us some lunch, I'll wait here with Mari,"

Ruben released Mari from his grip, looked at his watch and frowned a little. "It's just gone ten a.m.,"

Geny's hands flew to her hips and her eyes narrowed as she ordered: "Go get us some coffee, then,"

And then she cocked her head toward the door; subtlety had never really been her strongest trait. Ruben's face contorted as understanding hit him, and he quickly ushered Ruby, Olivia and Abuelita out of the room, stopping only to press a soft kiss to the crown of Mari's head and tell her they'll be back soon.

The moment they were out of the room Geny moved in closer, taking the now-empty seat beside her bed that Abuelita had occupied. Her hand came to rest on Mari's and for the first time, Mari felt like Geny truly cared.

Geny grabbed Mari's hand and tugged lightly as she said: "come with me,"

Mari followed, standing from the bed on shaky legs, holding on tight to Geny's hand for stability and let the older woman lead the way.

"Tell me, Mija; how are you really?" Geny asked as she led Mari down the almost-empty halls of the hospital. "Because you gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, who is so strong, just like you are, but childbirth is _hard_ , even when you're ready for it,"

The lump in her throat was back. So were the invisible hands which seemed to be squeezing her neck even tighter than before.

"You've seen him?" Was all she could bear to ask, the words quiet over the sound of her heart pounding in her ears.

"Of course!" Geny's said, almost as if to say _why wouldn't we_? "Ruben and I wanted to see our first grandchild! And Ruby is _so excited_ to be an uncle!"

Her voice was innocent, light, unaware of just how much fear her words were drilling into Mari. If they've seen him, been visiting him as much as they had tried to visit her, then that made it real. The kid, her circumstances, the decisions she still had to make; it was all real and it wasn't just her own life she would be affecting.

"But I want to talk about you right now," Geny brought her back to reality.

Mari sighed, swallowed hard and looked away. It was easier to speak when she didn't have to make eye contact, and she wanted to speak; to confess the fears that'd been haunting her for almost two weeks.

"You told me once that, after Mario, you were depressed. I don't know if the way I'm feeling has anything to do with the baby, or if it's always kinda been there, but I...I don't remember what it feels like to be happy,"

Geny's hand gave hers a small squeeze as they rounded a corner.

"I know I have been," Mari continued, throat aching and eyes stinging as tears pooled. She was tired of crying, but she didn't have the energy to fight it. "I know I was happy just ten minutes ago but it's like...I don't remember how it feels. I can't imagine it ever happening again. All I remember is all the bad stuff that's happening; I shouldn't have a _baby_ , I shouldn't be hiding from my own mother, and Oscar-"

She cut herself off, not wanting to bring him into this, not wanting Geny to get the wrong idea and blame him for the mess that Mari is in.

"How did you deal with it?" Mari asked.

Geny offered a small smile and they came to a halt outside a light wooden door. A door that was adorned only by a small, black cross.

"I prayed," she answered and pushed the door open.

The room was small; one small, stained glass window to the left, four plain wooden chairs before an altar. The lights were dim, the room illuminated by only a standing lamp in the far corner of the room and the scattering of tea light candles surrounding the statue of Jesus on the cross that stood in the middle of the altar.

Mari was glad that no one else was here, because her skin was crawling like there were bugs under her skin itching to get out.

"I'm not really religious," she confessed. If there was a God, he hadn't done her any favors.

"Neither was I," Geny said, leading Mari forward to one of the chairs, "but it's not about believing, not really. It's about having someone to talk to, accepting that whatever's happened is out of your hands now, and it's about having faith that things will work out in the end,"

And maybe she had a point. Maybe Mari did just need to put everything in someone else's hands, let the universe take the wheel for a bit.

So she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply and...

 _God, or Jesus, or whoever,_ she thought, _I_...

Her mind was blank.

But she sat for a few more minutes, trying to no avail.

With a huff, she opened her eyes. "I don't know how to do this,"

"There's no right or wrong way, Mija," Geny said, "just...talk,"

Warm breath ghosted over her lips as she let out a tentative breath. She licked her lips before speaking.

"I'm...so _angry_ , all the time," she confessed, the words leaving her lips and hanging in the air between them, "and I've never been an angry person. No matter how bad Mallory treated me, I was never angry, but I'm angry now. I wake up every damn day and I'm angry, and that scares me. I don't wanna live like that.

"And now I have a whole other person's life to think about. I need to decide what's best for him when I can't even give him a _name_. I haven't even seen him, do you know that? I can't bring myself to see him because I'm afraid that if I do I'll fall in love and I'll keep him. And there's a part of me that _wants_ to keep him, to raise him right and prove I'm nothing like my mother. But spite is no reason to have a kid.

"But what if I give him away and I regret it? I'm too young to be making these decisions! I'm too young to have to worry about this! Why the _fuck_ did this happen to me? If there is a God, why did he let this happen? Because I just don't understand!"

Maybe it was wrong to scream and curse and _cry_ in a place of worship, but Mari didn't care. She didn't care that she was sobbing or that her voice was raw from shouting or that she had just let Geny into the deepest parts of her soul. She didn't care when Geny wrapped her arms around her and pulled her into a hug.

Mari cried, sobbing into Geny's shoulder as the woman ran her hands through her hair. Mari felt small, like a child herself, but she felt safe and she felt accepted and right now, that was all she could ask for.

Geny didn't say anything as they walked back to the hospital room, but she didn't let go of Mari's hand the entire time.

"You're not welcome here," Ruben's voice boomed as they approached the room, deeper than Mari had heard it before. "You need to leave,"

"She's my daughter too," Mallory's voice chimed. Mari's stomach churned.

"Oh, no she-" Geny hissed under her breath, then stormed towards the room and hissed, "get out, now,"

"Excuse you? I am Mari's _mother_ and I need to speak to my daughter, so I think you're the one who needs to get out,"

The girl in question felt like she was about to vomit, but she swallowed it down as she stepped into the room.

The sight of Mallory made her stomach flip. The sight of Doyle beside her made her head scream. She fought the urge to run.

Ruben and Abuelita were standing before them, faces twisted into uncharacteristic frowns. Olivia and Ruby were hiding behind them.

"There you are, sweetheart!" Doyle smiled, his dark eyes gleaming and a wicked grin slowly spreading across his face. The pet name made her shiver, her mind replaying the night he had crept into her room, the way he had whispered _sweetheart_ with so much sugar in his voice as he violated her. "Your mother and I need a word,"

Mari closed her hands into fists, desperate for them to stop shaking, desperate to stop being terrified.

"No," she said, though she didn't sound very sure, "you both need to go,"

"You heard her," Geny said, holding Mari by the arm and all but guarding her as they crossed the room. Mari took a seat on the hospital bed and closed her eyes as though that would will them away.

Mallory scoffed. "You spent the better part of eighteen years with me, yet you're siding with them?"

Mari shook her head, angry that Mallory would dare play the victim.

"Because I know _they_ love me,"

"Yeah?" Mallory inched forward, her smile not quite meeting her eyes. "Do they know who the father of that baby is?"

Mari froze. Mallory knew?

"Do you think they'll still love you when they find out who that baby belongs to, huh? When they find out who you let fuck you,"

She flinched as her mother spat the words, but she couldn't respond. She was right; Mari was dirty and disgusting and she was tainted. She wasn't the innocent daughter they thought she was.

"Mari, ignore her," Ruben cut in, "you don't have to tell us anything,"

But Mari could barely hear him; he was just another noise in the background behind Mallory's taunts.

"Go on," Mallory urged, "tell them who your baby daddy is,"

"I am,"

Mari's eyes snapped up and for a minute she thought she was hallucinating because there, in the doorway was Oscar.

Her heart stopped as she drank him in; white socks and dirty converse, dark cargo shorts and a white tee under a plaid shirt only buttoned at the top. He looked good, if a little sleep deprived, judging by the deep bags under his eyes. One hand clenched into a fist, the other was grasping a small bunch of limp flowers; deep red and pink carnations with small white flowers peppered throughout.

His brow was furrowed, nostrils flared and his eyes were hard on her as he crossed the threshold and made his way to Mari.

It took him less than a second to cross the room. He pushed past Mallory and Doyle and he pushed past Ruben and Geny and he dropped the flowers on the bed beside Mari. Then, in front of everyone Mari cared about, everyone Oscar knew would never approve of him, he held Mari's face between harsh, brutal hands that'd learned to be soft only for her, and he kissed her.

He kissed her in a way that he hoped made up for all the times he wasn't there to kiss her in almost two weeks.

 


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tensions are high in this chapter and Oscar swears a lot - sorry about that.

Kissing Oscar was that dose of serotonin Mari felt she’d been waiting so long for. Kissing Oscar was the puzzle piece that’d finally fallen into place and although the picture was far from complete, things seemed clearer.

Still, a part of her wanted to push him away. He couldn’t do this to her again, play these stupid games. Her fingers itched for it, to grab him and shake him and ask _why_. But all she could do was lean into him as she let him hook a finger under her chin, tilt her head upwards to deepen the kiss.

She was more confused than ever. Over the last two weeks, she had convinced herself that Oscar didn’t care, that he had decided he didn’t want any part of the mess she was in. And she had come to terms with that, for the most part. And then all of a sudden he was _here_ and he didn’t seem to mind the mess; not when he was holding her so delicately and kissing her like she was the only thing tethering him to this earth.

He didn’t stop kissing her like that. Not until their lungs were burning and they were panting for breath. But even when his mouth left hers, he didn’t let go.

Forehead pressed against hers, his breath hot across her face. Mari didn’t know she could miss something the way she missed the taste of corona and cigars.

And then, low enough for only Mari to hear, he whispered against her lips: “I am so fucking sorry,”

Mari closed her eyes, breathed him in, stayed silent. What could she say to that? He was sorry and that was great, but what was going to stop it from happening again? Why had it happened in the first place?

Luckily, Ruby spoke before she had to. “Does this mean we have to leave the room again?”

“Come on,” Olivia replied. Mari could practically hear the eye roll. “Let’s give them some privacy. Besides, I still have to decide on a makeup look for tomorrow and I need a guinea pig,”

“Mija,” Ruben said, his voice soft but growing louder. Oscar took a step back, cleared his throat, offered her some space and couldn’t find it within himself to look her father in the eye, despite the respect he held for the man.

Mari, on the other hand, couldn’t bring herself to look at Oscar. She turned her whole body away from him to face Ruben.

“Yeah?”

“You’ll be okay here?” He asked, eyes glancing across to the cholo standing not two feet away as if to say _with him_. His tone was caring, concerned, but there wasn’t an ounce of judgment in his words. That alone was enough to make her eyes sting with tears.

Every time Mari thought she couldn’t be more grateful that _this man_ was her father, that she was, at least in part, created with his DNA, he did something that only made her appreciate him more. She didn’t deserve him. Mallory sure as hell never deserved him.

She could only nod.

“Yeah,” her voice was small, broken, “I’ll be fine,”

And she would be, she knew that even if she didn’t believe it herself. Not quite.

There was no hesitance, a sign of trust that Mari so desperately needed as he nodded and said: “Vamos, familia,”

He herded the rest of the Martinezes, Geny passing Mari with a soft touch to the shoulder and a small smile from Abuelita, and led them to the door.

“That means you, too,” he said, words directed at Mallory and Doyle and thick with a venom that Mari had never heard in his voice before, “time to leave,”

Doyle licked his teeth, puffed out his chest and took a step forward in challenge.

“I think you’ll find that’s for Mari to decide,” he said, leaning just slightly to look past Ruben’s shoulder and catching Mari’s eye. She didn’t miss the way his leering gaze made her skin crawl. She didn’t miss the way Oscar’s hand curled into a fist, his knuckles going white. “What do you say, sweetheart?”

Oscar was on him in an instant. Forearm to Doyle’s throat, Oscar shoved him against the drywall. There was an audible crack as his head collided with the plaster.

Mari’s heart thumped in her chest.

“You talk to her again, you _look_ at her again, and I’m going to fucking kill you,” Oscar’s voice was deep, thicker than usual. Gravelly, as though he hadn’t used it in a while. Mari should be scared; would be, if she didn’t like it so much.

It warmed her, maybe more than it should’ve, to see him get like this, feral and angry, over her; in protection of her. Made her feel like maybe he meant it.

“Oscar,” it was just above a whisper so not to startle him, but he heard it loud and clear, her voice ringing out in his head like a song.

The moment didn’t last long, he wasn’t able to live in the softness of her voice because then Doyle was talking over the memory of his name falling from her lips.

“I built my empire on the ghetto; on _street rats_ like you. You don’t scare me. When I go it won’t be by the likes of you,”

Anger flashed across Oscar’s face. He pressed further into the softest part of Doyle’s throat until the man started to gasp.

Mari rushed forward, her own breath seemingly gone.

“Oscar, let go,” she said, reaching a hand out for him but hesitating before it touched her shoulder.

Doyle's hands clenched like he was fighting the urge to try and claw at Oscar’s arm.

A lump caught in her throat. She needed to stop him. In just a few minutes Doyle would be out of breath, his body slack and slumping to the ground in a hospital full of doctors, in front of her whole family. The police would be here within a few minutes of that. Oscar would go away for life. Third strike.

“Oscar, please,” she pleaded, voice thick with tears as she reached for him again and this time let her hand fall gently onto his shoulder. “Please let him go. You can’t risk this, okay? You can’t. You’ll go away for good and you _can’t_ do that Cesar. Or to me,”

Her voice was trembling. She wanted to yell and she wanted to scream and she wanted to _beg_ him, but she knew that one of them needed to be calm. She knew that wouldn’t be him.

But the sound of her voice settled the anger stirring deep in his gut; at least enough for him to push off of Doyle and take a step back, running a hand down his face.

Doyle said nothing more as he rubbed at his neck, straightened his jacket and then grabbed Mallory by the arm, dragging her out of there without so much as a look back at Oscar.

Ruben, however, couldn’t seem to help but spare a glance back at her. His brow raised in silent question and she gave an almost indiscernible nod.

It wasn’t until everyone had finally left the room - everyone except for Oscar - that she released a shuddering breath.

Heavy footsteps made their way to her. Rough hands trapped her face once more, tilting her head up so chapped lips could find hers once more.

Mari closed her eyes tight shut and leaned into him. Letting herself kiss back for just a moment, she relished in the feel of his solid body against hers; the way he held her so tenderly, held her as though she was made of porcelain. She could tell he was holding back, like he did their first time and usually she didn’t mind when he was firmer, more demanding, but right now she liked this. She had _missed_ this.

And then the moment was over. She remembered how she had felt every day she had tried to call him and heard _nothing_. Remembered every message she had left and how she only sounded more and more desperate each time. Remembered wondering if he had ever cared, or if it had all been one big game, only in it for the chase.

Mari pressed her hands to his chest and pushed, not hard but enough for him to get the picture and pull away.

“What is it, mami?” He asked, his eyes scanning her body, “You hurt?”

She looked up at him and heaved a sigh, running her hands through her dark curls in frustration.

“Where were you?” She tried to speak from the gut; to hide how broken her voice really was. It didn’t help.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, and then, “how did you get to the hospital? Ruben told me the basics but couldn’t gimme details. I gotta know who to thank,”

Mari wanted to laugh at the irony. She was sure that if Oscar were to run into Easy he _would not_ be thanking him. But she bit her tongue, ignoring that mean streak in the back of her mind, the one that wanted to make him hurt for hurting her. Easy had helped her; Prophet or not, she wasn’t about to hand him to Oscar on a silver platter.

“Just some guy,” she said, “he was passing by, saw I was beat up, offered me a ride,”

“Why didn’t you _call me_? You know I would’ve dropped everything, Mari, this shit is important,”

Once again, Mari bit back a laugh. As if she hadn’t been trying to do that for two damn weeks.

“My phone crashed. Finally died,”

Oscar shook his head. “I said you needed a new one,”

“Oscar, please,” she sighed and suddenly his name didn’t sound like a song but a burden, like it was heavy on her tongue, like a chore. “Don’t change the subject, just be real with me. Two fucking weeks! I was starting to think that you were dead; wouldn’t exactly be a stretch,”

Regret flooded her as soon as she spat the words, leaving a metallic tang on her tongue. She hated that the voice in the back of her mind, the one that was always telling her to _hurt, hurt, hurt_ , finally won out.

Oscar licked his lips, swallowed thickly, looked away as though he couldn’t look at her any longer, like staring at the sun.

“I’m sorry, Oscar,” she took a step closer but kept her distance, “I didn’t mean that,”

“No, no,” he shook his head, dragging his gaze back to hers. Mari’s breath caught as their eyes did; he’d never looked at her like that before, like her blunt words had still managed to pierce that thick skin of his. “You meant it. Always knew you had a backbone,”

“I just…did you even listen to them? The voicemails I left. Every _single_ day, Oscar. I begged you to be here.”

Oscar raised a single brow, glanced around the room as though to check they were alone, wiped his face with the back of his hand before finally digging into the pockets of his cargo shorts. Mari frowned. That frown only deepened when he pulled out an old, grey Nokia and held it up before her.

“It’s a burner,” he said, and then he pulled out a second phone - another Nokia, except this one was small, compact, the kind that flipped, and was a soft shade of bubblegum pink. “And this one’s for you,”

“I don’t get it,” she confessed. Oscar nodded toward the bed, urging her to take a seat. She wasn’t one to disobey, settling on the edge of the bed.

“Eddie had a barbecue, the day of the game,” he started, eyes down, “a few Santos, their novias, niñas, niños. Wanted to let the kids party one last time before school went back, y’know?

“Eddie was out front. Ten Prophets against one Santo; easy, right? So they started shooting. Weren’t expecting four other guys to be there. Weren’t expecting Eddie’s little girl to run outside and see what was happening.

“What looked like an easy hit turned into a shootout. Eddie was caught in the crossfire, so was his girl, his kid, _four other fucking Santos_. They needed backup, Mari. I’m their _fucking_ leader. But I wasn’t there, no one could reach me because I turned my phone off to be with you,”

Mari’s heart was in her stomach. There was anger bleeding through his voice as he spoke, rage inside him that was itching to get out, but none of it seemed directed at her. Rationally, she knew it wasn’t her fault; knew Oscar made that choice himself, but she couldn’t quell the guilt gnawing at her insides.

She wanted to say _I’m sorry_ , wanted to say he didn’t need to be here, that the Santos came first. She wanted to say anything that would ease even a little of the pain he must be feeling right now, but there was nothing.

“I fucked up, Mari. That’s on me, but Cuchillos wasn’t happy. Blamed you for getting in my head, broke my fucking phone and told me cut contact or they’d cut it for me,”

His eyes fluttered up to look at her beneath dark lashes. His eyes were clouded, mouth downturned in a grim frown, eyebrows knotted as he closed the distance between them. He settled between her thighs, hands on her knees.

“That day, with you, was one of the best days of my life. But I need to be there for the Santos when they need me. I gotta be alert and that means- _fuck_ , Mari, that means I can’t always be around. And yeah, you’re right, I could be fuckin’ dead. But Prophets are dangerous, mami, and I’ll die before I let them lay a hand on you or Cesar,”

His hands clasped ever so slightly before he let them trail further up her thighs. His skin was hot on hers. The heat traveled up and up until his fingers were brushing the edge of her hospital gown.

“I know that’s not…it’s not what signed up for. Mariana, you deserve someone who can be there for you, completely, so if you want out, I-”

“Oscar,” her voice was thin, strained, but she wasn’t about to let him finish that sentence. Her hands found his and she ran her palms up his arms, feeling the way his muscles contracted, reacting to her soft touch. Her fingertips ghosted the lines of his neck, his jaw, coming to rest on either side of his face. “I _know_ what I signed up for. And I’m in this, baby, for as long as you’ll have me,”

His lips stretched into a smile, his eyes brightened and he let out a low chuckle, the kind that brought out his dimples and sent heat pooling in the pit of her stomach.

“Shit, mami,” his voice was low, almost like he was about to tell her some deep secret, “if it were up to me, I’d have you for good,”

And then her mouth was on his, kissing him hard, borrowing his breath because she couldn’t seem to find her own right now.

The hands on her thighs tightened, gripping her harder and harder and no longer seeming to mind if he left a few bruises. Mari whined into his mouth and he swallowed the sound easily as he pried her lips apart with his tongue, deepening the kiss and tasting her for the first time in what felt like forever.

Her hands slid back down his chest, finding purchase on his flannel and using that leverage to pull him closer, closer, closer until he was flush against her. Oscar couldn’t help the soft groan that escaped his lips at the contact. Mari smiled against his mouth.

His hands curled further around her, slipping under her gown and settling on the expanse of skin of her lower back, just above her rear.

Mari’s hands roamed his body, his solid chest, the hard lines of his hips; anywhere she could reach. It felt good, to not be alone. To be wanted again.

She let out a small whine when his lips left hers, a moan when they reconnected with the smooth skin of her neck. He sucked at the skin, nipping at it and following with a hot stripe to soothe the irritated skin. Closing her eyes, she let her head fall aside, allowing him _more, more, more_.

Calloused hands squeezed at her behind, dragged her forward and glided back down soft thighs to wrap her legs around his waist. She felt him hum against her neck as he continued kissing down, down, getting closer to the still-bruised and slightly swollen area of her previously-dislocated shoulder.

And then his hands were on her back, fiddling with one of the ties on her gown. And all in a flash, cold fear filled her body the warmth of his hands - his lips, _him_ \- it all disappeared as she slowly filled with dread. For the first time, she didn’t want Oscar to touch her, to see her. For the first time, she was scared.

She was _never_ scared with him and that’s what scared her the most.

Her heart pounded in her chest, slamming against her ribcage like a wild animal, trapped and desperate to escape. Thin, shaking hands caught his forearms and though he was more than strong enough to overpower her, he stilled immediately.

Breathing heavily, cheeks still a little flushed, those thick eyebrows knitted together as he searched her face.

Her breathing picked up, gasping in and out in short bursts like she couldn’t get enough air in her lungs. She couldn’t look at him. She looked anywhere else, eyes darting all around the room.

“Mari?” He spoke softly. Full of affection, free of judgment. “Mari, mami, I need you to talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong,”

She swallowed the thick lump in her throat. Shook her head. “I can’t- I don’t- Oscar, my-”

He pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. “Take a breath, nena. Take your time,”

Closing her eyes, she let herself slump forward, forehead pressed to the crevice of his chest. Her hands stayed on his arms. Deep breath in, deep breath out.

She stayed like that for a few moments, trying to slow her breathing to match the _thump, thump, thump_ of Oscar’s heart. (And, admittedly, was still a little fast, at first, but it slowed to a steady pace as he ran his fingers through soft curls and rubbed soothing circles on her back.)

When she finally felt she had stopped shaking enough to speak, she lifted her head to face him and said: “I don’t look the same, Oscar. My body _isn’t_ the same. I mean, my shoulder doesn’t move the same yet, I’ve just learned how to pee on my own and I have a scar and-”

He cut her off with his lips on hers, soft and fleeting.

“Mami, you know I don’t care about that,”

His words were sincere, his voice low. Her hands held their grip on his arms, although he made no move to reach for the bow at her back.

“I...do,”

The confession winded her, but she needed to hear it, needed to come to terms with these new feelings she had for her body. And it was hard and it hurt and she felt so damn vulnerable, but she needed to say it.

“Oscar, I can barely look at myself; I’m not ready for you to see me like this. I’m not ready to accept that this is _me_ , now. That I’ve been through this. For a little bit longer, I wanna be that beautiful, innocent girl that snuck out of her birthday party to be with a boy,”

Those hands left the bow at her back and came to wrap around her, pulling her back to him and holding her firmly in place.

Oscar pressed a kiss to the crown of her head, lingering there as he whispered into her dark curls: “You’re still so beautiful, Mariana. But I get it. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want. I never want you to be uncomfortable with me,”

She wanted to say _I’m not_ , wanted to say _I’m uncomfortable with me_ , but she didn’t; she just let him hold her a little while longer.


End file.
